There’s absolutely no way to NOT look like an asshole while playing a keytar. What the fuck is a keytar you ask? Well we’ll tell ya…it’s an instrument that’ll make you look like an asshole just by looking at it. It’s the lamest instrument of all time. It’s more lame than the oboe, the tuba and the fucking kazoo combined. It’s the worst invention ever to be conceived by humans, gods, and apes alike. In fact the keytar disgraces the human race, the guitar, and the piano all at the same time.
Stoners don’t like keytars, or players of keytars, and now that we think about it…nobody else likes keytars and keytarists either. With that being said, man, the keytar’s distant relative, the piano, is cool, however. Remember the Wild West and all those cowboys and spaghetti westerns and shit? Well, it seemed like every bar fight that ever took place in a wild west saloon happened near a guy playing the shit out of a piano. And, that pianist motherfucker didn’t even miss a single note during one of those brawls. There’d be bullets whizzing by and bottles breaking everywhere…the horribly traumatic sight of beer being wasted as it’s spilled all over the floor…Well, continuously playing the piano through that shit is punk rock, man. PUNK ROCK!
Mash some electronics into some plastic and you’ve got the keyboard–the closest relative to the keytar. Keyboards are lame, man. They’re the opposite of punk rock like Green Day or something. Case in point; Eddie Van Halen was once known as one of the greatest guitarist of his (very finite) time but as soon as that racist decided to ditch the geetar and crank up the keyboard everyone realized that watching Van Halen play “Jump” on the keyboard was like watching Michael Jordan strike out at baseball over and over and over. Because keyboards and any of their derivatives are meant for losers, man. Keyboards ain’t rock and roll, man, they’re something you’re cheap ass parents get you from the Radio Shack down the street right before it closes on Christmas Eve. Back to keytars, though, even Van Halen with his horrible taste in mullets and keyboard driven-rock was too cool for the keytar.
True, only someone high as fuck could even conceive of marrying the tool of the gods with something barely a step above an accordion. Actually, the asshole who invented the keytar was probably on coke NOT weed because that keytar shit is a product of the 80′s. And, much like keytars, Reaganomics, fucked-up Cocateau Twins haircuts, and coke…NOTHING GOOD CAME OUT OF THE 80′s. So you know who that coked-up asshole who plagued the world with keytars actually was, don’t you? It was probably that dude who wrote the theme song to Miami Vice! Wasn’t Miami Vice all about coke and narcs and coked-up chicks without clothes and coked-up dudes without socks and shit? Well, all that stuff seems pretty inherently anti-weed if you ask us. So therefore Jan Hammer is anti-weed and anti-cool. So what if the dude played in the Mahavishnu Orchestra? Yeah, exactly, you’ve NEVER heard of ‘em have you? He glued a handle to a fucking keyboard so he could duck walk and show off his shoulder pads and glitter on stage while playing it. Other notable keytarist are: NOBODY. You can’t call someone notable if they play a keytar, man, so instead we’ll mention a few idionts who should have their asses kicked because they’ve been known to play one: Howard Jones, the members of the Moog Cookbook, Don Henley, that chick who played Penny on Good Times and flashed her fried egg-shaped boob during the Superbowl, some asshole named John Parr, and some other asshole who’s name rhymes with John Parr; Jean Michel Jarre, etc.
We could go on and on, but we just realized that keytars not only make you look like an asshole if you play ‘em or even if you stand next to ‘em or look at ‘em, but they make you look like an asshole even by blogging about them…so we’re done with this shit. And, fuck keytars.