At first when we got an email from Amazon.com touting their Playmobil–Security Check Point we couldn’t believe it. Then we couldn’t stop laughing as we thought…these motherfuckers have lost their mind! Why the hell would STUFF STONERS LIKE want a playset to practicing infringing on people’s civil liberties for the sake of “safety and security?”
Then it struck us like a jet hitting a building! Al-Qaeda must be utilizing this enlightening toy to train their next generation of terrorist on how to bypass security with contraband.
Wha? Smuggling shit past security? Maybe, just maybe…we’d have a use for this ingenious li’l playset after all. Finally, a toy that would actually allow us to practice smuggling WEED!
So we went ahead and ordered the Playmobil Security Check Point, because c’mon, who wants to ruin a perfectly good vacation getting arrested at the airport or trying to score some bud when all you have to do is buy this ridiculously expensive toy and work out all your various smuggling methods until you’ve realized a fool-proof plan.
This perennial airport security checkpoint is nearly perfect in its realism, although it could use 4 or 5 additional security screeners standing around not doing shit to make it 100% authentic…about 3 or 4-HUNDRED more weary, beaten-down passengers who’ve given up their Essential Liberty to purchase a little Temporary Safety. But, we can’t complain too much since the conveyor belt, x-ray machine and lazy, fat-ass security dude starring at a broken screen did not work at all. Awesome, since this faithfully represents actual TSA employees and systems which fail to catch anything from bombs to liquid explosives to box cutters to volatile directors like Kevin Smith.
Unfortunately, our testing didn’t go well since the included worthless li’l plastic dude had no pockets, no hat and no place to stash weed. So we decided to wedge a freshly-smoked roach underneath his cute little blue scarf and put him back in line. Lo-and-behold he was able to walk right through security with impunity!
Breezing through security that easily could only mean one thing…this li’l Playmobil motherfucker must be a narc! We decided to teach this narc a lesson and snagged his little brown suitcase when he wasn’t looking. We thought we’d fill his li’l carry-on with as much weed as we could shove in it, probably about a gram, maybe two…stand back and watch the expletives fly! Much to our chagrin, the damn suitcase did not actually open, of course. What good is a suit case that doesn’t open? How do you put your weed in it?
Right as we realized we could have picked up 3/4 of an ounce instead of this stupid, useless toy…the li’l baggage inspector with the li’l yellow wand started looking at us all funny. Yeah, we’ve seen that look before…even if this time it was cast in plastic…because this profiling shit usually happens to us whenever we enter an airport. Then all of a sudden li’l miss Playmobil Security Nazi motions for security and we scram.
To make a long story short…okay, we’ll be honest…we don’t remember what happened next. Well, because the special brownies we chowed down on about an hour before we began playing started to kick in and, uh…we can’t actually remember what happened next. But we do remember shouting “Wait! Wha? Body cavity search?” and something about STUFF STOENRS LIKE being on the “No Fly List”. Yep…we can get HIGH, but we can’t fly. Luckily for us, however, the Playmobil–Body Cavity Search Expansion Pack isn’t available yet or we’d be really screwed.