According to one of his classmates, Jeff Spicoli has been stoned since the third grade. That alone makes the dude legendary. Surfing, smoking weed, carrying a bagel in his pants around high school…we mean around school while high. Jeff Spicoli, played by Sean Penn in the classic film Fast Times at Ridgemeont High, is the epitome of stoner cool.
“Why do you continually waste my time?” Barks that asshole U.S. History teachin’ Mr. Hand on the first day of school to which Spicoli replies with his stoner mantra, “I don’t know.” But what we do know is Spicoli ordered a pizza in Mr. Hand’s class one time and that dick Mr. Hand took Spicoli’s pizza and shared it with the the class. We also know that Mick Jagger thinks Spicoli is cool because Mick gave him a guitar pick after a Rolling Stones gig in Anaheim, California once.
“Why don’t you get a job, Spicoli,” asks that asshole Brad. You know what Spicoli tells him? “What for…all I need are some tasty waves, a cool buzzz and I’m fine.” What stoner can argue with that shit? Who needs money when you’ve got a cool buzz, anyhow? Besides, Spicoli has plenty of money nowadays. He’s got serious cash flow from when he saved Brooke Shields from drowning, man. Spicoli’s pro’lly smoking a joint while ridding some tasty waves right now, dude. And you…you’re probably sitting in a cubicle reading this shit about him…wishing you were him. Or at least wishing you were smoking a joint.
Who doesn’t think Spicoli is cool? Dude had Van Halen play at his birthday party, man. Imagine watching Eddie Van Halen play Eruption in your backyard. How cool would that be? Of course Van Halen played in the backyard, man…you think Alex Van Halen’s ridiculous drum kit with those 4 bass drums and 50 thousand rototoms or whatever the fuck he had back then…would fit in Spicoli’s living room, dude? Of course not.
Sure, lots of people think Spicoli is stupid. Case in point… Spicoli’s little brother, Curtis, thinks that he’s stupid, but he’s really just jealous because he ain’t got his own weed. Your average stupid high school kid who wrecks his friend’s brother’s 1978 Camero is due for an ass-kickin’…but not Jeff Spicoli, man…he’s smart enough to outsmart the car’s owner, Mr. Charles Jefferson the star quarterback at Ridgemont High. Spicoli blamed the destruction of Jefferson’s beautiful automobile on an entire school, man; those motherfuckers over at Lincoln High got the blame. And they got their ass beat at the big football game the next night.
Anyhow, some call Jeff Spicoli a legend. Some call him the hero of our time. But we’re just going to call him STUFF STONERS LIKE.