What is marijuana? It’s the dried flowers of the Cannabis sativa plant of course. It has no known natural enemy other than—ignorance. And haters. It’s the healing of the nations. It’s the best way to forget that it’s Monday. It’s green like the color of Kermit the frog and Skittles, which taste like frog, and mint chocolate chip ice cream. Mmmm. Ice cream. And it’s probably the exact same color as the shit you forgot about in the work refrigerator last month. Marijuana is safer than alcohol, piping hot oatmeal, riding in Ted Kennedy’s car, wearing a hoodie in a gated community or being around a woman scored.
If you’re bored with just getting HIGH off nothing other than life, there’s always weed. If you’re not smarter than a 5th grader, weed is for you. If you are smarter than a 5th grader… weed is for you. If you are a 5th grader, then weed is not for you—so if you have any, you should mail it to us (here’s our address). Make sure to scribble the words FRAGILE across the envelope, that way the postman will carelessly toss it in the back of his truck and give it no special attention.
Unlike daytime TV judges, marijuana is not temperamental, nor judgmental. It doesn’t think you’re fat, guilty, ugly or that you should get a fuckin’ real job. Unlike dogs, weed isn’t sexist, its man’s best friend and also women’s best friend too. It’s what your mom really wants for her birthday. (And about the most expensive flower out there.) It makes food not only taste awesome, but transforms it into a party. Weed is the bacon of plants. It doesn’t alter awareness, weed creates awareness. It won’t kill you, unless you bail it up into a thousand pound block and drop it on yourself from the roof of the empire state building. It won’t give you bad breath, heartburn or a hangover. Actually smoking weed is one of the best ways to deal with a hangover, that and a greasy breakfast with lots of bacon. Mmmm bacon. In fact, marijuana’s great for a lot of things, man, but it’s probably not going to help with that rash your girlfriend gave ya.
Marijuana is as beautiful as a rock to Bono’s face. It’s the gateway to pancakes, marshmallows, french fries and Pink Floyd. Marijuana will take you places your education can’t. It’s nowhere near as expensive as ignorance or venti-sized mocha-frappa-whippa-choco lattes from Starbucks. It’s the best reaction to overreactions. It’s even the best cure for boredom, next to masturbation…or watching hockey.
Unlike Twitter or Krispy Kreme donuts, weed isn’t addictive, but smoking it is contagious. Whip out a joint in a crowded room and you’ll make a lot of new friends. Weed is renewable, it’s 100% natural, it’s solar powered, biodegradable and makes the inside of our car smell like we lit a skunk on fire. Like stoners, marijuana defies authority. It’s the new black, the cat’s meow and makes watching cat videos on YouTube a great way to spend a day at work.
Marijuana was around before money was invented, before the wheel and before Wheel of Fortune. It’s better than 80’s pop music (but then again, what isn’t?). It’s great for cultivating awareness because you can’t smoke weed with your head all up in your ass. It makes the rockin’ world go ‘round. No wait that’s fat-bottomed girls. Marijuana will fix whatever duct tape or ice cream can’t. AND no matter what city, state, country or planet you’re on…it’s 100% legal (until you get caught). It turns grocery shopping into adventures, makes vegetables taster better and is what keeps Snoop Dogg and Willie Nelson relevant these days. It’s the best way to maintain a positive attitude. It makes a great gift for your friend or foe. It repels idiots, conformists and people with bad hair and bad taste in music. It increases your attractiveness while decreasing your stress levels. Marijuana will help you learn the metric system. If you vote for it, it will make all your dreams come true. It always makes procrastination worthwhile and the smell of burnt weed is the best way to cover up the stench of sex in a hotel room.
Tommy Chong once said, “people rarely succeed unless they’re having fun in what they’re doing,” or maybe it was our high school guidance counselor. Anyhow, smoking WEED is not only fun it leads to fun, so you do the math. So to bring this shit on home, to roll this all up and answer the key question, what is marijuana? It’s no big deal. No wait…it’s a very big deal…aww fuck it…marijuana is what you should be smoking eryday.