Weekly Stoner Horoscope for September 25-October 1, 2017

STONER HOROSCOPEARIES (March 21 – April 19)

Ever hear the psychological term “projection”? If not, or if you need a refresher of PSYCH 101, it’s a theory in psychology in which humans defend themselves against their own unconscious impulses or qualities (both positive and negative) by denying their existence in themselves while attributing them to others.[1] It’s kinda like when your best friend criticizes the bountiful, crystallized weed you just harvested, but couldn’t grow a budding plant to save his life. Your friend is projecting his or her growing inadequacies by criticizing you and your grow. Typical weed envy behavior. My point is, don’t you get sucked into projecting your shit onto other people. Inhale lots of indica to keep it cloudy and listen to, “Behind Blue Eyes”, by the Who. Classic example of how envy and projection can mess things up.

TAURUS (April 20 – May 20)

Taurus, you and your tribe have been blessed this week with a cloud of impervious protection against all negativity. Wait, it gets better, your cloud is not only providing protection it is also equipped to transform negative to positive energy. For example, this week you might come home to a broken water pipe and a flooded kitchen. You may find your kitchen in ruins from the flooding and in need of complete demolition. Don’t freak out, something good should kick in right away. Something like your insurance company will cover all the damages and you get a new floor and cabinetry for free. Well, sort of free, after your deductible of course. Keep things really light and energetic this week and smoke 3 hybrid, sativa dominant, joints a day. And, listen to lots of reggae and Bob to keep things positive, start with “No Woman, No Cry”. Everything’s gonna be alright!

GEMINI (May 21- June 20)

Psychotherapist Dick Olney said that what a good therapist does is help her clients wake up from the delusion that they are the image they have of themselves. This is what I want you to ruminate on this week. Think and wonder what you would be like if you could wake up with a temporary form of amnesia that allows you to forget who you think you are. What would you do? How would you feel if you couldn’t remember the persona that went to sleep the night before? Where would you go? Inhale (3) indica dominant joints a day and play along with the recommended exercise. Also, use David Bowie’s, ‘Changes’ to inspire you. The second verse changed my life once.



I watch the ripples change their size
But never leave the stream
Of warm impermanence and
So the days float through my eyes
But still the days seem the same
And these children that you spit on
As they try to change their worlds
Are immune to your consultations
They’re quite aware of what they’re going through

CANCER (June 21 – July 22)

Lots of tumultuous waves of activity are crashing on your world right now. Take a break from the storm and ask yourself what does the word “home” mean to you? What experiences make you love yourself best? What situations bring out your most natural exuberance? What influences feel like gifts and blessings? Where do you want to be at the end of the day? Answers to all those question will give clues helping you to answer the question, “What is home?” Inhale lots of purps and ruminate on these little nuggets of knowledge. Now is the time for you to find resolution and clarity. Remember the universe is not designed to make your life a nightmare. The universe, and all that it contains, is here for you to be the best being you can be. Rock on my cannabis loving crab and tune into some Motley Crue, ‘Home Sweet Home’. I love this fucking video and I am not even a huge Crue fan. Vince Neil’s pain and passion hit me in the gut everytime.

devoLEO (July 23- August 22)

Ok, Leo, my bold and ferocious lion or lioness, it’s time for a critical lesson in life that will catapult you to success. Ready? It’s not often I quote Homer Simpson, but sometimes the man spouts wisdom. The great and powerful dad from Springfield, once said, “Every time I learn something new, it pushes out something old.” Where is the wisdom you may ask? Let me put it another way, from another Homer, “As we learn, we must daily unlearn something which it has cost us no small labor and anxiety to acquire.” Here comes the lesson, you’re most likely to thrive if you weave together a variety of styles and methods to get through the ups and downs of existence. Inhale sativa, and eat some indica to keep yourself relaxed and ready for the week. Use this classic video, ‘Whip It’ from Devo as your mantra. Devo used a variety of styles and methods to create their sound and look. You could learn from them…

VIRGO (August 23 – September 22)

Your birthday month is over and the time is ripe for a big dose of constructive criticism. Keep in mind, nobody is trying to hurt you and/or your craft when they give you a much needed check. The goal is to evaluate and assess where you are right now. And, then a path will be revealed showing you where to direct all energies. Make sure you reach out to those you respect and trust and don’t take the easy out by asking your mom or best friend. Keep things light and energetic with some sativa dominant hybrid and listen to Marvin Gaye’s, “What’s Going on”.

LIBRA (September 23 – October 22)

Henry David Thoreau wrote, “We are constantly invited to be who we are,” to become “something worthy and noble.” You need to ingest, digest and then marinate on this little whisper of wisdom. Now is your time to become something totally worthy and totally noble. Think big picture, and try and expand your mind to focus on how to incorporate Thoreau into your daily life. Think things Thoreau or the Dalai Lama might think. Inhale much indica, granddaddy purple, and listen to Tears for Fears, “Everybody Wants to Rule the World”.  Welcome to your life, Libra…

Jimi Hendrix marijuanaSCORPIO (October 23- November 21)

Do you know who Mike Nichols was? He was a pretty famous scorpio director, producer, known for his ability to work across a range of genres. He had an aptitude for getting the best out of actors regardless of their acting experience. Nichols once said, “When you do your best, you’re depending to a large extent on your unconscious, because you’re waiting for the thing you can’t think of.” This week I want you to focus on what bubbles up from your unconscious. Pay attention to your dreams and any Freudian slips that may occur. According to Freud, the unconscious mind is the primary source of human behavior. Like an iceberg, the most important part of the mind is the part you cannot see. Delve into the messages sent to you from this metaphorical iceberg and allow them to tell the story waiting to be told. Gotta keep it real cloudy with indica to maintain the channels and keep them clear for all your upcoming epiphanies. Also, keep it funky and wicked with some Jimi, ‘Machine Gun’. Jimi will help release all the endorphins necessary to get your unconscious rolling.

SAGITTARIUS (November 22 – December 21)

Did you know seventeenth-century Spaniards celebrated festivals five months of each year. According to author Barbara Ehrenreich, in 16th-century France, peasants devoted an average of one day out of every four to “carnival revelry.” In accordance to the planetary positions, you Sagittarians need to embrace the traditions of the past and create your own “carnival revelry”. Inhale lots of indica hybrids and listen to lots of Madonna. Yes, Madonna, nobody and I mean nobody, knows more about carnival revelry than Madonna. Start with ‘Holiday’, and then work your way up to ‘Express Yourself’.

CAPRICORN (December 22 – January 19)

Capricorn, my mountain climbing goat, this week is all about courage. You are going to be showered with unprecedented amounts of courage. The kind of courage the lion in ‘The Wizard of Oz’, would kill Dorothy for. What are you going to do with all this courage? Focus on all things that scare the shit out of you and allow this time and space to work through some deep embedded anxiety. Inhale lots of indica, purps preferably, and use Aretha Franklin’s version of ‘Bridge Over Troubled Water’ for some inspiration. Aretha is the physical embodiment of courage.

AQUARIUS (January 20 – February 18)

You need your imagination this week like a fish needs water. That’s right, you will die without it. No, you won’t die, that is not what the astrological omens are saying. But, you will definitely ease through this week like a hot knife through butter if you can tap into the power your imagination wields. Think big, real fucking big, bigger than you have ever thought before. Really let yourself dream of what life could be like and write everything down that comes to mind. Then start to pave the way for taking steps closer to all that brings you joy and happiness. Use your imagination to help conquer all obstacles in your way. Inhale some sativa in the morning a little indica in the evening and listen to Johnny Nash’s, ‘I can see clearly Now’.

PISCES (February 19 – March 20)

Did you know Rihanna is a Pisces? If you do, then you probably know she is or was a pretty heavy pot smoker. She smokes in the same circle with Snoop Dogg and Warren G. Ri Ri has been photographed with weed more often than most celebrities and has made smoking look sexier than Sophia Loren back in the day. How is this information pertinent to your horoscope? Well, I will tell you, inhabit Rihanna’s love for the herb and for herself. Rihanna is unapologetic about her marijuana use and I want you to feel the same way. The woman knows about self love, as we all should, and can be used as a great role model for embracing and loving oneself. Inhale lots of your favorite strain and immerse yourself in some of Ri Ri’s finest, ‘Rock Star 101’.

PUFF, PUFF, PASS and be kind.



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