Weekly Stoner Horoscope for October 2- 8, 2017

horoscope heroARIES (March 21 – April 19)

Have you ever listened, I mean really listened, to a Carpenter’s song? Kinda corny, I know, and this may be a stretch for you, but allow yourself to fall into any one of the timeless melodies created by this brother, sister duo. Try, ‘We’ve Only Just Begun’, if you don’t have a favorite. Listen to Karen’s vocals and hear her strength and optimism. This is what I want for you this week. Tap into the strength and optimism of Karen Carpenter’s voice and use it to make beautiful music together with anyone or anything that tickles your imagination.

TAURUS (April 20 – May 20)

Ernest Hemingway once wrote, “The only kind of writing is rewriting.” Harry Shaw, in Errors in English and Ways to Correct Them, says, “There is no such thing as good writing. There is only good rewriting.” Science fiction novelist Michael Crichton agrees: “Books are not written–they’re rewritten.” What does this mean to you this week? Right now you are in a phase of your astrological cycle when you’ll flourish as you make spiritual rewrites and revisions. Revel in this time and use it to the best of your abilities. Consume some heavy CBD concentrates and relax into a rhythm of productivity. Use, Elton’s, ‘Your Song’, for your background music.

GEMINI (May 21- June 20)

Holy Moly Gemini, you have the astrological equivalent to a double barrel love gun pointed at your heart and soul right now. For inspiration, read this excerpt of a poem by Caitlyn Siehl. “My love is honey tongue. Thirsty love. My love is peach juice dripping down the neck. Too much sugar love. Sticky sweet, sticky sweat love. My love can’t ride a bike. My love walks everywhere. Wanders through the river. Feeds the fish, skips the stones. Barefoot love. My love stretches itself out on the grass, kisses a nectarine. My love is never waiting. My love is a traveler.” That’s the kinda of love ready for the taking right now. Keep things light and airy with much sativa in the morning and indica in the evening. In addition to Caitlyn’s inspirational words use a little, Kiss and ‘Love Gun’ to help balance the very estrogen filled message above.



CANCER (June 21 – July 22)

You are a beacon for the past right now. Don’t fight any past memories and energies that might be calling to you more than usual this week. The old days and old ways sometimes have secrets to reveal and stories to teach. Listen with alert discernment and keep your mind and heart open to what you see and feel. Take note, and remember the lessons taught. You will be richer and wiser beyond your years. It’s okay to take a giant leap from time to time. Everybody else will eventually catch up and enjoy the space you create and thrive in. Inhale lots of indica and don’t sweat the small shit. It really isn’t that important. Take a listen to the Kinks, ‘Look Through Any Doorway’, for a little inspiration.

LEO (July 23- August 22)

Victory. I see all things victorious for you this week. Keep in mind the definition of the word victory, “an act of defeating an enemy or opponent in a battle, game, or other competition”.

“an election victory”. Synonyms: success, triumph, conquest, win. In other words, you are “winning” this week no matter where you go. Embrace this whirlwind streak of all things favorable and don’t worry about when it will end. It will and there is nothing you can do about it. So, again, don’t worry. Inhale (3) large indica j’s a day and keep things lively with McFadden & Whitehead’s “Ain’t No Stopping Us Now.” You are on the move Leo.

VIRGO (August 23 – September 22)

Focus on the low hanging fruit this week and conserve your energy for future more intense battles. This is not the week to start any 30 day challenges or begin a new medication regime. Think status quo, treading water, keeping a low level, consistent level of activity without any sudden and/or intense moments. Inhale all that soothes and helps balance your shit. Try tea instead of coffee, if you can, and reduce all levels of stress. Keep Seals and Crofts in your head to aid in bringing the beach to your soul. Sounds crazy, but it works. Try, ‘We May Never Pass This Way Again”. Deep breath, all will be well.

queen-fat-bottomed-girls-live-LIBRA (September 23 – October 22)

Hey Libra, wake the fuck up and cease the day. Life is short my balanced friend and it is time for you to carpe diem the shit out of your week, out of your month actually. The astrological planets are screaming your name, and chanting your song. Queen is blaring in my head right now, ‘Fat Bottom Girls’. Turn it up to 11 and inhale lots of indica. Fat Bottom Girls you make the rocking world go around. Learn it, live it, know it.

SCORPIO (October 23- November 21)

Now is the time for enlightenment and light bulb moments. Think Christmas time lights with endless twinkle and transmission. And don’t you dare apologize or feel guilty for being such a connoisseur of self-respect and self-healing. I want you to indulge and drown in self love and appreciation. The planets are aligned for healing and rejuvenation. It’s okay for things to be about you and what you want. You are an integral part of this machine we call life and without you and those like you the experience would not be the same. So, inhale lots of indica and relax your worried soul. All will be well, listen to Pink’s, ‘Fuckin Perfect.” And know you are fuckin perfect.

SAGITTARIUS (November 22 – December 21)

Think green sea turtles and imagine them moving majestically through the crystal clear Hawaiian ocean. Become the turtle in your head and let your mind wander. Inhale a heavy indica joint and ruminate on this little nugget about the symbolism of the hawaiian green sea turtle, “Honu” to the islanders. Honu’s represent good luck, endurance, fertility and long life. When lost, turtles are excellent navigators and often find their way home. Legend states that a green sea turtle guided the first Polynesian settlers to the islands. You are a green sea turtle this week, guiding those around you to find their home and heart. Don’t forget the Honu never focus on the destination, it’s only about the journey. Listen to the Who’s, ‘Magic Bus’, and use it to transport to the ocean to find your inner turtle.

CAPRICORN (December 22 – January 19)

Madonna once said, “I went to New York. I had a dream. I wanted to be a big star. I didn’t know anybody. I wanted to dance. I wanted to sing. I wanted to do all those things. I wanted to make people happy. I wanted to be famous. I wanted everybody to love me. I wanted to be a star. I worked really hard and my dream came true.” I want you to come up with a similar simple list of wants and desires and write them down. It’s ok to embody Madonna and allow yourself to dream the best life you can imagine. This ain’t no dress rehearsal…inhale heavy indica and allow yourself to relax. And, yes, listen to some Madonna, ‘Dress You Up’, you gotta dance too. Look at how cute she was and how much fun she had. We can all be that happy everyday if we try.

AQUARIUS (January 20 – February 18)

Wow, Aquarius the positions of the planets suggest you have been working your soul like John Cena works his biceps. Lot’s of emotional shit and baggage has been processed and I am happy to report it is all ready for final evacuation. Now is the time to seriously relax all that is tense and strained in your body and your life. Inhale at least (3) indica dominant joints a day to help maintain an even state of mind and enjoy this down time. Take some advice from Frankie Goes to Hollywood, and ‘Relax’.

PISCES (February 19 – March 20)

So many of us have a negative audio track inside our mind that repeats and reminds us of our inadequacies and insecurities.Turn off this destructive track for the next couple of weeks and then throw it away. Make a concerted effort to not allow negative thoughts into your headspace. Focus on rising up and rejecting anybody or anything that tries to shame and/or criticize you in anyway. Shield yourself by imagining superhero powers of positivity transforming all that is negative into positive. Inhale indica in the morning and indica in the evening and keep the mood lively with much reggae, Bob’s, ‘Small Axe’, use it as your tool to cut the negativity down.

PUFF, PUFF, PASS and be kind.



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