Weekly Stoner Horoscope for October 30 – November 5, 2017

GEMINI (May 21- June 20)

We live in a time when the term “fake news” is used often and some of us are having difficulty navigating the waters between what is a truth and what is a lie. Mostly because of one Gemini in particular, Donald Trump. Don’t know if you knew this but, Trump was born under your birthsign. And, I am pretty sure his energy is messing with the universe and adding to the reason why you are having a hard time seeing what is true this week. So here is your astrological homework to help balance your world. Vow to speak the whole truth and nothing but the truth, and ask to receive the whole truth and nothing but the truth for the whole week. You gotta be diligent and committed if you want to do some work on your character. Plus, inhale lots and lots of herb and don’t worry about being in the same tribe as Trump. Prince and Morgan Freeman are Gemini’s too. Which leads me to your song for the week, Club Nouveau’s, ‘Rumors’. Turn it to eleven and think about disappearing into a Halloween costume that pays tribute to your favorite 80’s band.

CANCER (June 21 – July 22)

Cancer, did you know back in the days before Christ, in the lands of Egypt your constellation was called Stars of the Water and was represented by two turtles? The astrological scholars say, this may have been because the constellation was seen at dawn when the Nile was at its lowest, and Nile turtles were rather plentiful at that time of day and the year. So, makes sense they were referring to little turtles and not crabs when your sign was born. Many astrologers think that Cancer the Crab is actually a combination of the Egyptian turtles and a Babylonian water creature called Allul, which was also a tortoise. No matter you might say? Crab or tortoise they are all hard shelled creatures from the sea and move slowly? Well, agreed, all three sea creatures above are hard shelled and move slowly. But, a tortoise is not just a hard shelled, slow moving sea creature like a crab. Tortoises are mythical amphibians capable of living on land and in water. Tortoises are from the time of dinosaurs and they might move slow, but they move with purpose, thought, and they live for hundreds of years. My point is, you are not a crab, a crustacean that eats from the bottom of the ocean. No, you are a mystical, wise, peaceful sea creature that has the ability to deliver life and love wherever you go. Inhale lots and lots of indica and relax into a groove only a turtle could understand this week. Watch this clip for a reminder on how cool turtles truly are and remember what a gift you are to this universe…. just like the sea turtle. …..

LEO (July 23- August 22)

You need a symbol, a charm of sorts to inspire and launch you to new heights on your spiritual plane. Some kind of talisman that will protect you from all negative energies and attract only positive pulses from the universe. Go search for such an object in your house. Make sure it brings nothing but good feelings to you. Then wear or touch this object everyday this week. Let it remind you of the energies converging to protect and guide you through what could be a difficult time right now. Think of your talisman like a fluffy, warm blanket surrounding you with security and safety. Inhale some heavy sativa dominant herb and watch Terence Trent D’Arby sing ‘Wishing Well’. The song has no relevance to your horoscope this week, it is just running through my head right now and I want to share it.

VIRGO (August 23 – September 22)

There are times in our lives when life is all about work and pushing to achieve to get to the next level of maturity and/or milestone. This is not one of those times for you. Now is the time to think about what your soul yearns to learn about. Not about what you should do or what you could do, but all about what you yearn from deep inside to do. Think how Rose yearned for Jack on the Titanic before it split in two and crashed into the bone cracking cold ocean. Or think about, how you feel sometimes when your best friend has more pot in their supply than you do. Then, try and meditate for 20 minutes and let your mind focus only your breath. See what images come up from your subconscious and take some steps to learn some new ways to achieve and maintain. Consume some edibles this week, especially on Halloween. Costume suggestion: Angus Young or Elvis Presley. Theme song: Anderson Paak, ‘Celebrate’. Take note of first verse and implant it into your head.
Time never cares, if you’re there or not there
All you ever needed was a simple plan
But you’re doing well, I mean you’re not dead
So let’s celebrate while we still can.

LIBRA (September 23 – October 22)

I want you to channel the energies and attitudes of both Snoop Dogg and Willie motherf***in’ Nelson’s ’s ‘Superman’ this week. Use these two very influential and integral figures as your muse for inspiration and direction if you run into any drama for the next couple of weeks. Imagine what Snoop or Willie would do when the bullshit hits you in the face this week. Then, think about how Willie motherf***in’Nelson out smoked Snoop Dogg, and how you too could show respect and homage to somebody you honor. Costume recommendation: Aquaman or favorite superhero.

SCORPIO (October 23- November 21)

Lady Day, THE singer of her time and arguably THE singer of all time, once said, “You never sing the same song twice. If you sing it with all the same phrasing and melody, you’re failing your art.” True that in double time Ms. Day. It’s important to note, Billie Holiday wasn’t just a jazz singer in the 1920’s she was THE singer who altered the way vocal artists perform forever. Lady Day’s contribution to music cannot be emphasized enough. One of her biographers wrote, “More than technical ability, more than purity of voice, what made Billie Holiday one of the best vocalists of the century — easily the equal of Ella Fitzgerald or Frank Sinatra — was her relentlessly individualist temperament, a quality that colored every one of her endlessly nuanced performances.” Your job this week is to channel and study Lady Day. Listen to, “Lover Man,” “Don’t Explain,” “Strange Fruit,” and, her own composition “God Bless the Child”. Watch Diana Ross embody Lady Day’s art in, ‘Lady Sings the Blues’, and then think long and hard on how she never failed her art by singing the same song twice. End your day with much indica herb, anything with kush in it, and look for ways to draw inspiration from Billie Holiday. Put a gardenia in your hair, or your bud vase and let the aroma of the flower lead you to new and different ways of approaching life. Halloween costume suggestion: the complete and polar opposite of your first choice.

SAGITTARIUS (November 22 – December 21)

Dorothy L. Sayers, said in her book, Gaudy Night, “Wherever you find a great man, you will find a great mother or a great wife standing behind him — or so they used to say. It would be interesting to know how many great women have had great fathers and husbands behind them.” Ruminate on Ms. Sayers question, and think about what greatness means to you and how you can help others to new levels of greatness. Now is the time for you to totally forget all the unfinished business of the last 10 months. Focus on the here and now knowing resolution to all pending issues is around the corner. Inhale some sativa in the mornings this week and remember what another great writer, Mario Puzo, wrote in ‘The Godfather’, “Great men are not born great, they grow great.” Wonder for a second, who Connie would’ve married if she had complete and utter confidence in herself? What if her dad told her she was valued like Michael, Sonny, or even weak and freaky Fredo? Just saying, maybe Sonny wouldn’t have died if she didn’t marry that piece of wife beating excrement, Carlo? And, if Sonny had lived, Michael could of stayed in Italy and lived in fairytale happiness with his beautiful goddess, Apollonia. Which leads me to your theme song and Halloween costume suggestion: Favorite Greek God or Goddess and listen to Nicki Minaj’s ‘Realize’.

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CAPRICORN (December 22 – January 19)

Halloween is your day this week and all the astrological omens suggest your psychic sensitivities are ultra sensitive. Kinda like those ultra sensitive condoms with ribs and stuff on the end. You know the ones for “her pleasure”. Think of Halloween and the next 7 days as a time ripe for heightened awareness. The universe is trying to send you messages on how to obtain joy and I want you to look to your dreams, visions, encounters, and meditations for guidance. Listen to the signals and channel your favorite magical character like Lena Horne’s Glinda from The Wiz, or Maurice from ‘Bewitched’. Also, inhale lots of indica in the morning and ease into your days. Use The Flaming Lip’s, “Spongebob & Patrick Confront The Psychic Wall of Energy” as your inspiration.

AQUARIUS (January 20 – February 18)

You are not the easiest tribe to commune with….sometimes you make life difficult not just for yourself, but for those close family and friends who choose to be around you. May sound a little harsh, but you know it’s true. Don’t get too focused on what I just said, because I think your zodiac tribe is one of the coolest if not THE coolest tribes of the calendar. And, I tend to think all cool people are Water Bearers. Did you know your symbol can be dated back to both Egyptian and Babylonian religions? In Egypt the Water Bearer was the god Hap, the personification of the Nile. Hap carried two vases of water, representing both South and North Nile, and was considered the sustainer of life. All living things would die without the waters of Hap. I want to remind you although Hap may be your symbol, not all living things will die without your help. And, it is not your responsibility to be the sustainer of life. I know your tribe has some of the greatest minds and talents: Mozart, Lincoln, Edison, Jordan, James Dean…and, Bob f***ing Marley are just a handful of the cool people born under your sun sign. But, you are one of many individuals on this planet and you can’t do it all by yourself, silly. Inhale lots and lots of indica in the evenings and think about how we all need one another and we are at our best when we are with other people. Listen to Mr. Marty Dread and Mr. Willie Nelson put it all in perspective with, ‘Take No Part’. .

PISCES (February 19 – March 20)

We all have a beautiful and mysterious inner monster living in our soul just waiting for the right time to appear. Now is your time to allow your little monster to appear. Inhale lots and lots of indica in the evening and ruminate on what that inner monster looks like, what does he or she love and hate, and what does she like to eat and drink? Build your own personal little monster, love him and hold her, and don’t forget how affectionate and compassionate your inner monster can be. Think about being your favorite monster for Halloween and relish in the innocence and beauty of ‘The Addams Family’. Try this scene with Wednesday and Lurch…not all monsters are evil. .

By @stonedandstuff
Happy Halloween! PUFF, PUFF, PASS and be kind.