5 Weed Jokes That Will Make You Laugh Even If You Aren’t Stoned

The opposite sex is more receptive to an individual that makes them laugh, and as a guy that’s made quite a few women laugh in his time, I can safely say that I also enjoy a woman who can make me laugh. I’m pretty sure it’s science. Love science. But that’s a topic for another post. We’re talking about weed humor and high stories here.

Humor is one of those things that breaks through barriers of race, creed, and language. Well, assuming you aren’t trying to get the pope to smile by cracking some dirty catholic priest jokes. Timing folks. It’s all about timing. Pot jokes are no different. Timing is everything, and the word play and story is everything else.

I found a few funny pothead jokes, I’ll share this one with you. I was so high that I loaded a bowl and then forgot to smoke it. So high that I basically forgot to get high. Now that’s good shit right there, and a weed joke of sorts that most stoners can relate to. How many times have you been in a sesh and packed a bowl, only to set it down and completely forget about it? More times than I would care to admit.

So, you wanna hear some funny stoner jokes? Perhaps some marijuana puns? I like high jokes, and I’m sure most of you do as well. Maybe some good weed puns? Ok, maybe it’s not that funny, but it should get you to crack a smile. Stop me if you’ve heard this one before. Or just stop reading I guess and skip to the next part. I gotta give a shout out to my homie Poison Glass on Instagram for hitting my DM with this magic.

Q: Why couldn’t the lifeguard save the drowning stoner? A: Because he was too far out man.

See, that’s funny stuff. It’s beautiful in it’s simplicity and it’s play on words. But I think there’s also a little dark side to it, through no fault of anyone except for those who profit and continue to spread lies and corruption via the war on drugs rhetoric. It also plays on a stereotype that has been propagated since Anslinger and Nixon had a big enough hard on for people that didn’t look and act like they thought people should to impose an actual war on something like drugs. I’m willing to bet a good number of you heard the classic stoner persona Tommy Chong saying, “Far out man” in your heads when you read that joke. That’s what makes it funny, but that’s also what makes it sad.

You see, as amusing and cutting edge as Cheech and Chong were at the time as far as drug humor being in the so called mainstream mindset, I think it was allowed to do so and given the resources it was because it portrays people who smoke weed as being typical dumb lazy stoners. Sure that’s funny stuff, but underneath the guise of stoner humor, I think it was doing something to further negative associations and reference points in regards to people who smoke weed.

That’s all well and good and completely in line with how we’ve been warned the media will be used to control us. I just thought I would point it out and wax sillysophical on it for a few. Back to weed jokes. I scoured the internet looking for the most amusing weed or stoner related jokes. Here’s what I found.

If you have your own marijuana jokes, drop them in the comments below so we can all have a laugh.

5. What do you call a stoner who just broke up with his girlfriend?

Homeless.

See, even though being homeless totally sucks, and breaking up with your significant other does as well, when you are talking about a stoner, which conjures up the stereotypical lazy good for nothing neerdowell, these things instantly become funny. Why? Because fuck that guy apparently.

4. What is the difference between a Protestant woman and a Muslim woman?

Protestant woman gets stoned before they commit adultery.

I think this one is extra amusing to me because of the double entendre happening. I’m not sure how many of you are familiar with biblical texts, but getting stoned back in the day used to have a completely different feel to it. As in hard and solid. Like rocks literally getting thrown at you until you die. Couple that with the kung pow fact that even in today’s wondrously modern times, people are still getting rocks thrown at them over petty nonsense. Definitely stuff stoners don’t like.

I’m still struggling to find what it is about this joke that is so funny, as I’m laughing to myself like a multiple personality case. I guess it’s because religion in and of itself is a joke to me, and a lot of other people. So the fact that such atrocious acts are carried out in such a fairytale like manner, is completely hilarious.

This next one is something I found scouring reddit. I’m sure there are different variations with insert your favorite funny animals here. But I had never heard it before, which is awesome. It’s a bit longer than the others, which I also enjoy. The basic two sentence setup and punchline is good, but sometimes one needs more substance. Everyone loves telling and  hearing funny high stories or funny weed stories. Stuff stoners like that starts out with, “When I got high…”

3. A monkey is sitting in a tree, smoking a joint, when a lizard walks past. The lizard looks up and says to the monkey “Hey! what are you doing?” The monkey says “Smoking a joint, come up and join me, my cold-blooded friend.” So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have another joint. After a while the lizard says his mouth is ‘dry’, and that he’s going to get a drink from the river. At the riverbank, the lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls in. A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the stoned lizard, helping him to the side. He then asks the lizard, “What’s the matter with you?!” The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting in the tree, smoking a joint with his new monkey friend. He then explained how his mouth got dry, and that he was so wasted that, when he went to get a drink from the river, he fell in! The inquisitive crocodile says he has to check this out. He walks into the jungle and finds the tree where the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint. He looks up and says “Hey, MONKEY!” The Monkey looks down and says “FUUUUUCK, DUDE……. how much water did you drink?”

That’s pretty good, because it paints a more complete picture in the mind’s eye of the listener or reader. That can go a long way when trying to get some laughs. A lot further than most of the 420 puns we see. I like stoner stories, almost as much as I like hearing drunk stories. Probably moreso, because the stoners are always way better story tellers. Plus they don’t stink like booze and sadness.

As a fan of words and wordplay and also tripping, this next one really brought a grin to my face. I also found this one on reddit. The more I think about it, the more I’m pretty sure I’ve heard this joke in person while tripping from a wise old fire watching elder.

2. I just bought some shoes from a drug dealer, I don’t know what they were laced with but I’ve been tripping all day.

Boom. Simple, elegant, multiple points of wordplay entry. That’s some good shit right there.

The last one I will leave you with is another classic. I hope you enjoy this as much as the rest of us did.

1. Two Hippies are walking along a railroad track, stoned. One Hippie says “This is a really long fuckin staircase, man!” The other Hippie says “I don’t mind the stairs, man. It’s this fuckin low handrail thats killing me.”

Although it would most likely be the train that kills our hippie friend here, not the low handrail, you can clearly see why it’s funny. Silly stoners, those aren’t stairs, they are train tracks. I don’t know about you, but I’ve been seriously fucked up, and I still was able to tell the difference between some train tracks and a staircase. Although the ridiculousness is part of what accentuates the joke and gives the laugh a little credibility.

Remember that as funny as these jokes might be, the underlying mechanisms in place that make us think or feel a certain way about a certain type of people are alive and well. Laughing is good medicine, and stuff stoners like, but racism and nonsensical stereotypes are definitely stuff stoners don’t like.

By Mat Lee

Heard any good weed jokes lately. Leave all your favorite stoner jokes and weed puns in the comment section below. We could always use a good laugh or two…or ten.