Weekly Stoner Horoscope for November 6 – 12, 2017

When your feet just can’t keep still

I never knew me a better time and I guess I never will

TAURUS (April 20 – May 20)

You may be feeling out of sorts lately….kinda like rag doll that has been left on spin cycle too long. The astrological omens suggest stress and tension have invaded your house and home like a black locust on crops in Africa. Don’t worry, the times are a changin. In the coming days a special gift from the universe is on its way. This prize may not be highly valued by anyone else but you. And it will amuse you and be of use to you in just the right ways. Stay positive, inhale indica in the evening to ease those heavy worries, and play lots and lots of Tina Turner. Ms. Turner, is the perfect example of somebody who has survived and flourished through times of stress and tension. ‘Nutbush City’ is your mantra.

GEMINI (May 21- June 20)

Strange things are on the horizon for you this month. How strange kinda depends on you and how strange you are. The planetary positions suggest your freaky deaky nature and your beautifully unique personality may be mirrored back to you either by new friendships or some new spiritual encounters. Sounds intriguing, right? Meeting somebody just like you, but more of you or a slightly different version of you? Inhale lots of indica in the evening and allow yourself to be open to new and interesting people and their things. Remember strange is the ultimate compliment and acknowledgment because it means you no longer care about what others think. When somebody describes you as strange it’s a good sign you are on the right track. The Door’s describe this phenomenon the best with, ‘People are Strange.’

CANCER (June 21 – July 22)

The astrological omens are pulsing your name right now. Why you may ask? Because right now it is all about you. YOU, and nobody else. All focus and direction needs to be on YOU. Think of the next 7-14 days as a period in time when all the planets are aligned for you to absorb nothing but positive energies designed to protect and nourish your soul. I recommend you indulge in any or all of the following exercises. 1. Dedicate an entire day to performing acts of love. 2. Buy yourself flowers, sing yourself a song, and tell yourself a story about why you’re so beautiful. 3. Explain your deeply-felt opinion with so much passion and logic that you change the mind of a person who had previously disagreed with you. 4. Make a pilgrimage to a sacred spot you want to be influenced by. 5. Buy a drink for everyone in a bar or cafe. 6. Inhale lots and lots of indica to even your shit out and then listen and watch, the SOS Band, ‘Take your Time.’

Words to live by is you ask me….with a disco beat. Thank you Niles Rodgers.

One life is all we have to live

Our love is all we have to give, yeah

LEO (July 23- August 22)

It’s not always easy being the one who leads a group. Responsibility, accountability, culpability, and many other heavy bility’s come with being a natural born leader like you and those is your tribe. It’s even more difficult to be the one that leads in times of crisis and despair while others are breaking down before you. Some of the astrological omens suggest the last couple of weeks may have tested you in ways you didn’t know were possible. And, just maybe your idea of what ‘home’ means is being questioned. The coming weeks will be an excellent time for you and your tribe to clarify and cultivate your notion of home. Inhale lots and lots of indica to chill your sh*t out. And, dance, dance long and hard to Lee Ann Womack’s, ‘I hope you Dance’.

VIRGO (August 23 – September 22)

Virgo, last week I recommended self reflection and lots of self love. This week is different….this week it’s not about you. Ruminate on ways you may be transferring your own suffering onto others. We all do it from time to time and now is your time to be aware and re-direct your energies. Don’t let words like victim, wounded, or broken enter your vocabulary. Focus on words like competent, endowed, capable and qualified. Let any words of empowerment flood your mind and imagination and remember you are a powerful force with massive potential to take care of your business. It’s all about the TCB right now. Inhale some sativa hybrid strains throughout the week to keep things lively and productive. Plus, add some Aretha to your playlist and show some, ‘Respect’ for yourself and those who surround you.

‘R-E-S-P-E-C-T…take care of T-C-B’.

LIBRA (September 23 – October 22)

Libra, you and your tribe tend to like things balanced and even. ‘No sudden movements’ is kinda your mantra. If you were a horse you would be the horse that tends to spook at the site of a squirrel running up a tree or a harmless, floppy eared bunny rabbit running across the path. You get the picture…you don’t like sudden or impromptu encounters interfering with your plan. Forget all that BS and don’t let your innate energies dictate the path you are about ready to take. Think about what you would do if life presented you with all the material wants and desires you could imagine. What would be different in your life? What would you do and who would you do it with? Your answers may give you some insight and clarity on how to move forward. Inhale high CBD strains to help keep you focused and happy. And, use The Notorious B.I.G. as inspiration, ‘Mo Money, Mo Problems’, The Notorious B.I.G. ft. Mase & Puff Daddy. Throw your hands in the air and turn it up to eleven.

SCORPIO (October 23- November 21)

Did you know Cindy Crawford, 80’s supermodel and business mogul, was encouraged by her sister to remove THE mole on her multi-million dollar face? Her sister told her, in a way only a sister could, she should get rid of that “ugly mark”. Bitch. Cindy says her mother always told her, ‘You know what your mole looks like, you don’t know what the scar is going to look like.’ Not bad advice. Cindy decided to let her sister’s loving direction fall to the side and a supermodel was born. Ultimately, keeping the mole separated her from the competition and defined her career. What does this mean to you? For the next year or so I want you to use Cindy’s life experience as your example of what happens when you embrace all your ‘ugly marks’. Inhale some heavy indica purps in the evening and ruminate on what beauty is what ugly means? Instead of a song this week, I want you to watch a movie, ‘American Beauty’. The film is layered with life lessons and is even more relevant today than it was in 1999. Okay if you must have a song let’s go with one from the movie’s soundtrack. ‘Because’ by the late Elliott Smith.

SAGITTARIUS (November 22 – December 21)

Has a low hanging, curveball been catapulted your way? Has an alien or extraterrestrial fallen out of the sky and into your backyard? Or maybe just a wonky, funky energy is hanging around your house? Don’t fret, this temporary source of frustration may look and feel like an obstacle in your way. But, it’s not, it is actually a gift in disguise. Lessons will be learned from this time and what may look like a natural disaster could turn into a life saving or altering event. Stay positive and remember what the Buddha teaches us…life is neither good or bad, it just is. You need some Marley to set you straight with a couple of indica heavy joints. Try some ‘Mr. Brown’ and think about the lyrics and story behind the song.

CAPRICORN (December 22 – January 19)

Capricorn, hear me, hear me, hear me. This is your time for greatness….it’s time to be great and spread all that is great to those around you. And, by being great, I mean compassionate beyond your usual levels of empathy. From here until the very beginnings of 2018 the planets are aligned to give you unlimited amounts of compassionate. The universe is giving you this unique time and space as resource for you to give more. Your benevolent nature is peaking for the next few months and should not be wasted. Embrace, enjoy, and inhale much herb. The stinky, sticky purple kind with lots of nature’s crystals. Also, use Ms. Turner’s, ‘We Don’t Need Another Hero’, as your mantra. Love her and used to love Mel Gibson before he popped up on TMZ with crazy, racist, drunken diatribes. Gotta love Mel too, that’s what compassion is all about….in a way, it’s all about giving love to those that make you sick.

AQUARIUS (January 20 – February 18)

Do you know the definition of magic? You probably think you do, but I am not totally sure you get the true meaning of the word magic. So, I looked it up for your. Wikipedia tells us, “Magic or sorcery is the use of rituals, symbols, actions, gestures, and language with the aim of utilizing supernatural forces.The term magic has a variety of meanings, and there is no widely agreed upon definition of what it is or how it can be used.” The last sentence is the integral part of the definition and deserves repeating, “The term magic has a variety of meanings, and there is no widely agreed upon definition of what it is or how it can be used.” You are like magic and sometimes other people have no idea who you are or how you think. You are a bit of anomaly and it takes time to understand and really know you. Be patient with your loved ones as they try and navigate your somewhat stormy and unchartered waters. Inhale lots of indica this week and just relax. People love you and want to be around you. Listen and embrace the magic of a classic song from The Drifters – featuring a very young Ben E. King, ‘This Magic Moment’.

PISCES (February 19 – March 20)

We all make mistakes, even you my perfectly compacted, aqua swimming fish. Life is all about making wrong turns and poor choices….I think Dory and Marlin say it best in ‘Finding Nemo’. Remember when Marlin beats himself up for Nemo’s capture and tells Dory the below?

Marlin:I promised I’d never let anything happen to him.

Dory: Hmm. That’s a funny thing to promise.

Marlin: What?

Dory: Well, you can’t never let anything happen to him. Then nothing would ever happen to him. Not much fun for little Harpo.

You are Harpo this week…not much fun for you if nothing happens. Feel me? If not, inhale 3 indica cones a day and watch ‘Finding Nemo’….. As you already know, many lessons can be learned from fish and ‘Finding Nemo’ is like the rosetta stone to a happy life. Also, key this week, listen to ‘Just Keep Swimming’ a couple of times throughout the week. Maybe, right after you inhale one of those cones?

PUFF, PUFF, PASS and be kind.