Sometimes you’ll see a stoner reach for a cup of coffee in the morning before they actually reach for a bong. True, it’s rare…and we’ve never actually witnessed it or nothing, but it’s said to have to happened. Yep, it’s no surprise… stoners like to wake and bake! And, like syrup on waffles, nothing goes better with that morning bong rip like a cup of coffee.
Coffee fools those who regularly rise with red eyes into thinking that the caffeine counters that lazying affect of weed. It’s known world-wide in stoner circles from Amsterdam to Oaksterdam as the Hippie Speedball. Now, we’ve never actually witnessed a stoner take a bong rip, sip some coffee, and then run a fucking marathon or anything, but it could happen and shit. Something about that kick of caffeine makes a true stoner feel more motivated. Feel is the key word here. You know that jittery feeling ya get after about 16 gallons of Java? Yeah, well, that’s motivation.
More often than not a stoner will drink their coffee jet black. Not because they like it that way, dude, it’s just that adding milk, or cream, or sugar, or bongwater or whatever…takes motivation…not to mention time, man. You don’t see stoners fussing over all those li’l additions, ya know. You’ll never catch stoners fucking with cinnamon shakers or li’l packets of hazelnut Coffee-Mate bullshit. They get used to that plain ol’ stock flavor of coffee just for the sake of laziness, man. And, well because stoners are really into instant gratification; grab cup, pour, sip…instant gratification.
Stoners like to participate in rituals and preparing coffee is a ritual akin to packing a good bowl. To stoners, it’s the daily grind (pun intended) that’s as attractive as the caffeine surge, really. Stoners are really way into the little methodical routines of their habit and coffee provides a legal way to indulge in such ceremonial practices. Ever watch a stoner roll a joint (How ’bout Pamela Anderson roll a J topless on a boat in front of Tommy Lee)? Well, Stuff Stoners Like have watched plenty motherfuckers roll joints. And, the common denominator is STONERS get way super into that joint-rollin’ shit, man. They take that shit seriously, dude. It’s a form of pride. So why would it be any different when it comes to brewing coffee with all the roasting and grinding of beans, filling up li’l paper cones, etc…
Most stoners brew their stimulant at home. Why? Well, stoners aren’t paying $5 for a fucking cup of Starbucks coffee, you see, when they can just make it at home. Same theory applies for growing your own weed. Why buy when you can multiply? So paying exorbitant amounts of cashola for something you can make yourself is just not the stoner way. Who needs a gourmet caramel-half-caf-double-skinny, latte when you’re in the mood for a caffeine jolt, a bong hit, and some Cheez-Its for breakfast, anyhow?