Stoners Don’t Like White Lighters

Dude, don’t you hate when someone “accidentally” pockets your lighter? Man, nothing sucks more, well except for maybe Coldplay or the Toronto Maple Leafs, than spending time rolling-up the perfect joint, or packin’ a nice fat bowl or getting’ the bong all readied with ice…only to discover you’re fuckin’ lighter’s gone, man! Dude, that sucks, right? So check it out, man, the best way to make sure that shit doesn’t happen again is to only buy white lighters.

WTF? White lighters, dude? Yep, because as legend has it…white lighters are stuff stoners don’t like. Google it, man, if you don’t believe us, dude, or just keep reading…it’s easier. Some stoners are so superstitious and shit that when it comes to this fuckin’ white lighter thing, man, they won’t even look at one, let alone light a spliff with one.  It’s crazy.

Seriously, how the hell do you think edibles got their start? “All we got is this fuckin’ cursed white Bic lighter, dude and I ain’t usin’ that shit…we might as well just eat this weed,” said the 1^st stoner to ever eat weed to the 2^nd. True story, man…that is specifically how edibles got born, dude…ask anyone.

Why? Why don’t stoners like white lighters, man? It’s like what the hell’s the difference, you know, right? Well, we’ll tell you, dude, stoners don’t like white Bic’s NOT because Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, Jim Morrison, or Kurt Cobain all died with a white lighter in their pocket. Wha? Oh c’mon, dude, you’ve never heard those rumors, man. Just how long have you been smokin’ weed, man? You have heard of Jimi Hendrix, right? Shit, dude, Jimi, Janis and Jim Morrison all died before white Bics were even invented, man, so unless those motherfuckers had time machines, and they may very well have had ‘em since their shit was so ahead of it’s time…which would explain a lot of shit, man…wait, what were we talking about? Oh ya, Jimi Hendrix. No, wait. Aww, fuck it.

White lighters, that’s right. You wanna know why white Bic lighters suck, dude? Because they’re all white and stuff. They’re all white like the color of mayo or even worse, Miracle Whip. Gross. They’re all white like chalk outlines around a dead body or that nasty chalky-ass candy grandmothers always leave out on their coffee tables…and once you leave they dump that shit right back in its bag for next time and then bring out the good stuff like jelly beans and Hershey miniatures and eat it all behind your back and stuff, all laughing. White lighters are like white crayons…they’re lame. Why the fuck do they even put white crayons in the box anyhow? Who the fuck uses the white crayon? What the fuck for? Paper is white, dude, so what the fuck is the white crayon for? It doesn’t write over different colors…it’s useless. Fuckin’ white crayons…they taste gross too. Anyhow, white crayons are the white lighters of the Crayola world. And, like we said, dude, white’s the color of a blank sheet of paper, man. Nothing’s as scary as a blank sheet of paper on a Monday morning, man. Blank means you’ve been smokin’ weed instead of writing that fuckin’ science report or filling out those TPS reports and shit.

You know how hard it is to find a white lighter in snow? Drop a white lighter in a thick blanket of snow and guess what, dude…you ain’t getting stoned. Remember the Shining? Jack Nicholson went crazy and hacked up his family, who all died with a white lighter in their pocket, because he dropped his white lighter in the snow. He wouldn’t be all hacking up his family if he was stoned, man, just think about it.

White lighters are for rookies, dude.  If you just started smoking weed, man, you probably use a white lighter. White lighters suck because like white rice, or milk or the evening news they’re all processed and homogenized. They can’t jump or rap or dance or play basketball.  And, when you use the bottom corner of a white lighter to snuff out your bowl after a hit or to tamp down your weed before the next one…their asses get all dirty with resin. And, that’s a dead-giveaway you’ve been using it to smoke weed. Dirty-ass, resin-laden white lighters are a cop’s best friend, next to donuts, man, because that shit ensures job stability as they bust your ass for possession.

You know, that’s probably, like the real reason for the persecution of white lighters, because they’re li’l narcs, man. In fact, white lighters we’re probably created by the man…to keep us stoners down, dude.

So like we said at the beginning…the best way to make sure you always have a lighter is to make sure it’s a white one…because white lighters are definitely stuff stoners like. Wait…did we just fuck that up? Ah, whatever…just smoke weed.