The exciting to conclusion to our EXCLUSIVE interview with indie-filmaker extrodinaire Thomas Newman about his brilliant cult-hit, BONG OF THE DEAD…
STUFF STONERS LIKE: Boo Berry, Count Chocula, Franken Berry, but no Zomie Chrunch. What the fuck is up with that? Equal treatment to all monsters, eh? If General Mills were to make a Zombie fortified-cereal…what the fuck would it taste like? What shape would it be?
THOMAS NEWMAN: I believe the perfect zombie crunchy serial would be tiny little crunchy brains! This way you become the zombie eating tiny little brains with milk! They can make it in chocolate, strawberry and bacon grease flavor! MMMMM….grrrrr…bacon greeeaaasseeee….
STUFF STONERS LIKE: Do zombie have to eat their own species or can the supplement their diet with other mamals?
THOMAS NEWMAN: Zombies will own eat each other during fornication and or during a random street fight when one zombie stumbles across another as he or she is feeding…..or fornicating….or both!
STUFF STONERS LIKE: The Donner party seemed to be pretty fuckin’ resilient and they ate people…two hallmarks of being a zombie. Are you sure history has it right? Were the Donner Party, dudes were just a bunch of zombies?
STUFF STONERS LIKE: Can zombies procreate? If they can and they were to create ½ zombie, ½ humans…would those people have inalienable human rights? Should we pay to educate those children?
STUFF STONERS LIKE: Uhm…hello???
THOMAS NEWMAN: Sorry I was smoking a joint and totally lost track of time and dont remember what the question was. But yeah I would totally procreate with a zombie…fucking rights!
STUFF STONERS LIKE: Speaking of half zombies, couldn’t you consider people with TV’s or those poor motherfuckers decaying in cubicles all day to be half zombies then? If so…isn’t most of America comprised of zombies?
THOMAS NEWMAN: There are MUCH MUCH bigger population of zombies who are worse than the workers stuck in the rat race or the TV watchers! They are known as…..RELIGIOUS FOLK! Oh yeah you want to see emptiness and nothing there…talk to someone who believes in the big invisible man up in the sky story! That’s a fucking zombie!
STUFF STONERS LIKE: Did MTV copy your movie idea?
THOMAS NEWMAN: I have been told that before but I think its just a matter of they have the money to steal my shit and call it their own and I dint! If they did then fuckem and I hope their children’s children and their fluffly little fucking pets fry in hell! Ok maybe not the pets I’m a PETA fan so lets keep calm here. But seriously who knows?
STUFF STONERS LIKE: You say your movie cost $5000 to make. Do you think it would be better if you had $6000…how about $10,000?
THOMAS NEWMAN: I don’t honestly think if I had more money especially an extra couple grand would have made it any better. I did the very best with what I had and quite honestly its not how much you have its how much passion you have!
STUFF STONERS LIKE: What was the costliest thing you bought for the movie?
THOMAS NEWMAN: The most expensive item I had to buy for the film was all the BEER I had to buy my FX guys! They were like fish on fucking land with their crazy thirst for booze. Zombies need flesh to operate..they needed BEER to work! Bunch of great guys who gave me their time for free so buying beer and keeping them drunk then protecting them from blowing me and my crew up was challenging at times but worth it!
STUFF STONERS LIKE: What’s more acceptable nowadays? Zombies or weed?
THOMAS NEWMAN: Both have become part of social culture now a days! I know in BC where Im from Weed is huge but then so are Zombies. Its hard to say really.
STUFF STONERS LIKE: What’s more popular nowadays? Zombies or Weed?
THOMAS NEWMAN: Holy fuck I just had a déjà!
STUFF STONERS LIKE: Wouldn’t a zombie Jimi Hendrix be better than nothing?
THOMAS NEWMAN: If we had a Zombie Jimmy Hendrix then the world would be a much better place!
STUFF STONERS LIKE: Was the hockey-mask-wearin’ Jason from Friday the 13th a zombie? That motherfucker was hard to kill?
THOMAS NEWMAN: Technically yes Jason is a zombie however he is more articulated then your average zombie. He is what I like to call an advanced level 2 zombies! One who can operate weapons and knows how to put on their own wardrobe each day before going out and killing. That mother fucker is hard to kill but I don’t think anyone has ever chopped off his head yet have they?
STUFF STONERS LIKE: Speaking of hard to kill? Who would be MORE hard to kill…Stephen Segal or Cher?
THOMAS NEWMAN: Steve Segal is still alive??
STUFF STONERS LIKE: Are people easier scared when they’re stoned, ya think?
THOMAS NEWMAN: Hell yeah!! The mind is fucked when it’s trippin!
STUFF STONERS LIKE: What are you doing for 420, er mean…Halloweed…er, uhm…we mean HALLOWEEN.
THOMAS NEWMAN: I’m going to shit in tiny bags and throw it out at all the stupid little children who annoy the fuck out of me when I’m trying to avoid them! I turn off the lights, through broken glass and used needles in my driveway but they keep coming! Ill probably get high and it’ll all become too much work so Ill just let the wife hand out candy as I get stoned and much!
STUFF STONERS LIKE: Any special Halloween screenings?
STUFF STONERS LIKE: So what go you into smoking weed?
THOMAS NEWMAN: I find drunks incredibly fucking annoying!! Stoners are a much nicer crowd of deep thinkers who appeal more to me.
STUFF STONERS LIKE: How long have you smoked weed?
THOMAS NEWMAN: I started smoking pot when I was first introduced to laughing gas at the age of 2. Then from there I stared crack, then Uppers and downers, which got me way too down. I decided weed was the best choice because it made everything better.
STUFF STONERS LIKE: Is weed responsible for this movie?
THOMAS NEWMAN: Weed and a whole lot of passion to make films! I only used weed to write it and never got high during production when I was directing. I then made up for it in post production and smokes so much weed that I nearly went into a coma!
STUFF STONERS LIKE: Do you think Maggie Gyllenhaal is hot?
THOMAS NEWMAN: If you take a skeleton and stretch pig skin over it you have something hotter than Maggie Gyllenhaal! Although I really liked her as the scarecrow in Wizard of Oz!
STUFF STONERS LIKE: Wait aren’t you from Canada, eh?
THOMAS NEWMAN: Yeah I’m from Canada, eh.
STUFF STONERS LIKE: Was it zombies or just disappointed hockey fans who torched Vancouver after the Canucks lost, like what 2 or 3 straight games and eventually the cup to the Boston Bruins?
THOMAS NEWMAN: Ummm were you just asking me a sports question?? Im a hardcore film nerd and don’t give 2 shits about the Kanucks or the morons who burnt down my city because of being drunk and stupid! I think it’s the same comparison as people who ware fur! When testing intelligence or IQ level of a “rioting moron” to a zombie we found that the zombie has more common sense!
STUFF STONERS LIKE: So being all Canadian and shit means you must LOVE hockey as much as we do, eh?
THOMAS NEWMAN: Sorry I just puked in my mouth….I love hovkey as much as I love sticking A burning RAG up my ass then jumping into a pool filled with gasoline! Hockey encourages drunken stupidity! If they smoked pot and watched hockey maybe it would be ok.
STUFF STONERS LIKE: Wait, you don’t LOVE hockey?
THOMAS NEWMAN: FUCK NO!
STUFF STONERS LIKE: “You said you didn’t give a fuck about hockey?” (some of you might be too stoned to realize that this is a famous line in a song from Canada’s fave band: The Tragically Hip)
THOMAS NEWMAN: Yup! Ill say it again Fuck Hockey and fuck waiting time yelling at my TV over some idiot I can’t control through my TV. I would rather yell at my MAC while I edit shit!
STUFF STONERS LIKE: How about the Tragically Hip? Just kidding…nobody gives a fuck about them.
THOMAS NEWMAN: It’s a tragedy that they’re still making records!
STUFF STONERS LIKE: Wait a second…something smells fishy…you say you’re from Canada and you don’t give a fuck about hockey…
THOMAS NEWMAN: NOPE! I would rather jump out of a burning pool after setting myself on fire then jump in front of a train filled with toxic chemicals and end up like the toxic avenger with saggy man tits then watch hockey!
STUFF STONERS LIKE: Wha? Are you a narc?
THOMAS NEWMAN: Uh….ahem…please step away from the monitor! I ha…WE have the place surrounded! Just place ALL your weed in a zippy and ship it to me ASAP and I will not tell anyone about this! Ill make sure..ahem..We will make sure its gets destroyed immediately! Also please include any pipes, bongs or rolling papers you may have as well!
Check out Pat 1 here.
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