BREAKING NEWS– Pot-Smoking Tim Lincecum Wins the Cy Young AGAIN (and is ordered to appear in court on pot charges)

Yet more proof that smoking a little weed from time to time will prevent you from doing anything productive with your life, 2008 Cy Young Award-winning pitcher Tim Lincecum just won the coveted title for the second time in a row! Oh, and he’s being forced to appear in court.

The low-level “district court” judge overseeing the case, Darvin Zimmerman–who’s probably a Dodgers fan– spends his spare time coaching and officiating in local youth sports leagues. He has ordered Lincecum to appear in a Vancouver, Washington court on December 22, 2009 for an autograph session arraignment on charges related to his October 30 traffic stop where he was nabbed with about 3.3 grams of weed and a pipe.

linsecum with weed“The judge wants to see him and talk to him,” prosecutor Grant Hansen said. “He’s going to make an appearance, and that’s all we know.”

Crucial in his effort to beef up the ol’ resume, land a cushy appellate gig, and make a name for himself, Zimmerman will seize his opportunity to have a Big League 2-time Cy Young winning pitcher kiss his Little League Umpire ass by telling the millionaire athlete–who’s expected to receive more than a tenfold raise from the $650,000 he made last season–to wise up and set a good example for the kiddies. “Okay, kids, let’s start with the basics. First, you want to remove the stems and seeds….”

We kid, Lincecum wouldn’t say that because he probably buys top-shelf weed without seeds or big stems. Anyhow, this morning the “Freak” (as he’s known by Giant fans) had this to say about his two misdemeanors during a national telephone conference call held after he won the Cy Young award:

“I made a mistake and I regret my actions earlier this month in Washington. I want to apologize to the Giants organization and the fans. I know as a pro athlete I have a responsibility to conduct myself appropriately on and off the field. I certainly learned a valuable lesson from all of this. I promise to do better in the future.”

He added he could not address the issue further because the plea deal is still pending and took no questions on the matter. If the judge (who’s probably never met anyone famous before) refuses to accept the plea deal, Lincecum’s two misdemeanor charges—for possession of a controlled substance and possession of drug paraphernalia with intent to use—each carry a maximum of 90 days in jail and a $1,000 fine.

Although USA Swimming issued a three-month suspension to 8-time gold medalist Michael Phelps after a photo of him hitting a bong surfaced, Lincecum is NOT in danger of being punished by Major League Baseball because they realize even starting pitchers need something to do like smoke weed to sit through an entire boring baseball game.

One Response to “BREAKING NEWS– Pot-Smoking Tim Lincecum Wins the Cy Young AGAIN (and is ordered to appear in court on pot charges)”

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