Stoners Don’t Like Kids

screamerSure, they’re cuddly and cute when they aren’t all covered in grape jelly, or snot, or afterbirth. It’s not that stoners don’t dig kids… it’s just that kids ruin everything and they’re just such buzzkills. Just imagine how fucking awesome Chuck E Cheese would be without kids. Getting stoned at that place would totally rule, wouldn’t it? Pizza, beer, flashing lights, unstable climbing structures, bad music from a fuzzy robot band starring a duck, a purple Gimmace-looking monster motherfucker, some dude that looks like Cap’n Lou Albano meets Super Mario all fronted by a big fucking rodent. Sounds like Burning Man and shit, doesn’t it?


You see…being around kids usually requires responsibility. That’s the real shit stoners don’t like; responsibility. And, the kids don’t even have to be yours, dude. That responsibility shit permeates, it’s pervasive when kids are in sight. Who needs responsibility when you’re getting your smoke on and shit? And, seriously nothing kills a buzz faster than changing a diaper. Dirty diapers have nothing but poop and kids in ’em. Nobody likes poop. So kids are totally gross by association.

20070328teletubbiesSo here’s just a few more drawbacks to kids. Kids are broke, man. They never have any money on ’em and even if they did, what’s a $5 allowance gonna get ya? You can’t even score a joint for five bucks nowadays. Kids can’t drive. They usually have horrible taste in sandwiches and music and love watching shitty television shows like Barney and Teletubbies. Why are kids surrounded by purple monster motherfuckers all the time? Actually, Teletubbies is purty fucking trippy when you’re stoned, so that’s not really a drawback. But, Kids don’t usually dig watching the game on TV. And, when you mute the TV while the Wizard of Oz is playing and turn up Dark Side of the Moon on the stereo they complain. Kids just don’t get the Yellow Submarine at all AND if you don’t wash ’em every once in a while or keep ’em clean…they begin to smell. And, they’re loud. You think your alarm clock is loud and obnoxious…ever hear a three-year-old lose it when the ice cream truck rolls by without stopping?

snotMan, stoners don’t like kids because they drain wallets leaving no money left for weed, never have a lighter on ’em when you need one, they can’t roll a decent joint to save their lives and all their toys suck nowadays. Those cheap-ass things break the very second you try and transform them from a fucking robot to a dinosaur…and it’s not because you’re stoned! Kids whine all the time. They even whine when they get FREE weed in their McDonald’s Happy Meal. Damn, unappreciative li’l brats. If we got FREE weed in a fuckin’ happy meal, you wouldn’t hear us complainin’. We’d not only be way stoked we’d eat hamburgers every fucking day!

Kids prefer juice in a box or a li’l impossible-to-open pouch over beer, they don’t dig the best part of the pizza, they can’t work a carb, they always get the remote control sticky and they seem to make not only weed dealers nervous but the guys behind the counter at porn and head shops a little nervous too.  So, aside from supplying stoners with a bit of free candy on Halloween kids aren’t really good for anything.

18 Responses to “Stoners Don’t Like Kids”

  1. Nikhol

    i agree with everything you’ve said here XD

  2. ben

    its so awkward around kids. sometimes you can’t understand what they say. naw mean

  3. Anonymous

    all these things that this lists are wrong, except maybe for senseless violence, no body should like that so it doesnt make much sense. but everything else is just wrong. what kind of cold hearted stoners are you meeting?

  4. Baschive

    i dont hav a problem with kids, although annoying sometimes, eventually most of us will hav them

  5. leswift

    PRETTY FUNNY STUFF!!! But really kids are great, when their sleeping:)

  6. danielcook

    im 25 my wife 23, Were very self centered and focused on our lives. When we seattle into a home and career we will have a(ONE) child. A child is for when your spent on life and youve spent your youth, say about 29 when your like shit I need something in my life im almost 30. Then there 18(hopefully in collage) when your 48 to 50 when I want to retire at least.

  7. danielcook

    Retire to smoking fist size bowls and watching old Star Trek movies telling kids how Grandma used to love listening to 50 cent and “working them hoes” and “popping my collar”.

    Im kidding.

  8. miles ainley

    i think this is total bull shit. when i babysit my nephew my sister leaves a fat sack to smoke and i get super ripped and play with legos and action figures and all that jazz… your just trying to be funny and its not working and ben harper is dope and all stoners like him.

  9. Jennifer

    I so wish i could share this article with the fb world

  10. Joe

    this is bogus, kids are fun, you just have to put yourself in their simple mindset, after all you dont get to be a “grown-up” until after you have survived childhood. some people even try to prolong it as long as possible….wonder why?

  11. NoypibudZ

    Kids are hella funny and crazy when being stoned. I don’t mind them at all.

  12. Allen

    This had me crackin’ up. You guys are funny. Thanks for the laughs. What’s up with the people who say, ” This is wrong,”? Good Lord people this is a JOKE. What do the writers have to do write, THIS IS A JOKE, in caps right after the title just so you get it? For stoners there’s an awful lot of uptight people reading this site. For those people I’d prescribe TGA’s Ace of Spades.

  13. morebullshit

    bitch, if want to go to a place like chuckie cheese (which sucked as a kid btw and still sucks now. not even sure why’d you’d chose that as an arguing point) then go to mother fucking dave and busters? don’t have one? well stop living in a shit fuck town then. damn, you are one whiney ass mother fucking stoner. i can’t believe those even exist.

  14. Lucaspaterson53

    I’m a stoner and kids definetly piss me off. They’re annoying as fuckkkk. Stinky little fuckin bastards too.

  15. Tiluriso

    Kids are cool and cute and stoners often make great kindergarten teachers-granted that one does not show up for work stoned. Now, being a parents is where more attention and clearer head are required, so I see your point.

  16. JokerMachine

    Kids are the best. Like having trained monkeys. (Hehehe) I love the entertain them with funny faces and sleight of hand tricks. One time I made a little girl cry when she thought I really pulled my finger off my hand and put it back on. Her mom had to explain that the man was ok and was just fooling her. Sure, it’s hard work raising them, with all the blood, sweat, and tears, but it’s well worth it.

  17. jess

    omg, sure i sometimes wish my children had an off button,lol! But nothing, and I mean nothing is more awesome than “getting settled and happy” and watching the old Star Wars with my son, who is at the age where farts are hilarious, he calls his little sister a butthole (and uses it correctly), and referes to his own keister as his “butt canon”. Yeah, we have a great time, but then again, I am almost 40. So, I had my fun up until 35, but now I get to relive a second childhood, so, I got that going for me (Caddyshack, anyone?)

  18. WaltSob

    One thing for sure is they are absolute buzzkillers. You gotta watch over them and you can’t “focus” anymore on your high..

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