Of course we know 2-time Cy Young winner, SF Giants ace, Timmy Lincecum smokes the herb, well because he was famously busted with weed while cruising up through Oregon back in ’09. But, despite ever sharing a spliff with Lincecum we know he’s a TRUE STONER…not only because of his shaggy hair, his glazed eyes, the fact that he’s #101 on the PERIODIC TABLE OF STUFF STONERS LIKE or even his constant perma-grin…we KNOW he’s a stoner because the motherfucker frequents In-N-Out Burger!
Now, we know what you’re saying to yourself…”self-just because a guy goes to In-N-Out all the time, that doesn’t really mean he’s a stoner”, right? Well then, check out what Timmer’s usually orders: Three Double-Doubles, two fries and a chocolate-strawberry shake! Three Double-Doubles? Listen, man, pregnant ladies can’t even down 3 Double Doubles, let alone all those fries! 3 Double-Doubles…that’s like a whole fuckin’ cow, dude. You’ve gotta be HELLA stoned to eat a whole cow, man. Eating a whole cow ain’t the appetite of just any ordinary 168 pound dude. Not even the appetite of a star-athlete. Well…maybe a star Sumo Wrestler dude, but Japan ain’t got no In-N-Outs. C’mon the ability to gobble down that much greasy shit just HAS to be munchy-induced, man.
So he eats hella hamburgers, whatever, you say? He ain’t no stoner just because of that? Well…did you know Timmers is a HUGE fan of the pinnacle of stoner food…The AMAZING ChocoTaco? We’ve been touting the legendary ChocoTaco for years, man. Maybe Timmers took our advice? Anyhow, not only does Timmers chow down ChocoTacos…they’re his secret to stoner success! Yep, if we remember correctly, which doesn’t happen very often, Timmers ate up a ChocoTaco (mmmmm ChocoTacos) last summer, Jun 23, 2011, before going out and throwing a complete game in a 4-1 win over the
Oaksterdam Oakland A’s. That fateful ChocoTaco-powered game marked the fourth time Timmers has pitched a complete 9 innings in his career. And, he couldn’t have done it without the performance-enhancing ChocoTaco. Also marijuana.
Spoken like a true STONER, “I’m not a big vegetable guy,” Timmers says. So, uh…that just confirms it right there, dude…because just like Lincecum most STONERS aren’t big on vegetables…unless that vegetable is WEED!
WAIT! Timmers ain’t the only li’l STONER to ever pitch in the big leagues…in fact that shit was already done well before the invention of the ChocoTaco. Those must have been rough times, man. Anyhow baseball’s OG “Li’l STONER” Ulysses Simpson Grant Stoner made his pitching debut in 1922! So like there’s a rich history of stoner pitchers in baseball that you pro’lly didn’t even know about…at least we didn’t…because we’re too fuckin’ busy getting STONED and WATCHING HOCKEY!
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