Weekly Stoner Horoscope for June 5, 2017
ARIES (March 21 – April 19)
This is your time to shine Aries and let everybody know how deep your beauty penetrates down to the deepest darkest depths of your soul. Sativa’s are your friend this week with a little indica at night that will soothe your energetic ways. Keep it cloudy and don’t forget how important you are. It’s okay to brag once in awhile and remind the world of your presence. You are a badass in training and ready for a challenge.
TAURUS (April 20 – May 20)
Your big bull head is needed this week to propel you the next level in your relationship to the world. It is time for you to realize your body is a precious vessel in need of nurture and love. Focus on finding what it needs to be it’s best and let yourself experience the joy you deserve.Enjoy an edible or two, heavy on the CBD to help with focus and clarity.
GEMINI (May 21- June 20)
Gemini, Gemini, Gemini. I say your sign three times out loud and I feel your inner twin is tweaking it’s head right and left contemplating which path to take on your current journey to finding your true and genuine self. I would recommend some heavy bong hits from a kush strain to help balance and reset the recent turmoil. Try and focus on your strengths and what brings you joy. Remember you are driving this car called life and you have power beyond your imagination.
CANCER (June 21 – July 22)
Cancers’ are definitely Stuff Stoners Like….now that is something you don’t see in print often. But, it’s true, Cancer is one of our favorite signs because your tribe tends to feel life and all that it brings on a deeper more intense level only a few can appreciate. When I think about Cancerians I see deep shades of purple and fuscia dancing around like a light show at a Pink Floyd concert. Every now and then, a black cloud covers your body electric and getting up in the morning seems like a climb to Everest. Sativa, sativa, sativa. Is what you need this week. I would smoke three joints of Red Congolese, Cookies, Jack Herer, anything with a big boost will help you back to your lighter and brighter days.
LEO (July 23- August 22)
Leo, you are the master when it comes to organization and planning. You love telling people what to do and how to do it and we love you for it. You are the Lion that nobody wants to mess with and everybody wants to be around. People look to you and you inspire them to be better and do better. This week your power to unite is strong like the Lion King himself. Be careful how you wield it, remember, with “great power comes great responsibility”. And, also don’t forget your cartridges this week to help with the anxiety of being you. I would recommend a 50/50 hybrid with high THC content.
VIRGO (August 23 – September 22)
The moon will be beaming a perfect circle of light this week as will you my Virgo stoner. The planets are aligned for optimum personal power to do whatever it is that you want this week. Think of it as your time to ride the sweetest most epic wave that lasts a lifetime, or 4-6 seconds, and remember these waves don’t come along very often and now is the time for a “carpe diem” moment. Seize the mother fucking day and grab life by the balls by smoking two joints of an indica dominant flower and put your neat and tidy self in a position to do some good.
LIBRA (September 23 – October 22)
The great equalizer, the one who is even and balanced by nature, the one that somehow unites and inspires, this is you Libra. We love how you always want to please and support your tribe. We look to Libra’s in times of need and guidance. Nat Turner, Confuscious, Oscar Wilde, John Lennon, Gandhi….all Libra’s who have led a few people to do some pretty incredible and historical things. But, don’t forget how the Nat Turner situation turned out and don’t forget Putin and Billy Bush are also Libra’s. Meaning, you could go either way sometimes and it is always better to stay away from the darkside. Smoke three joints and then smoke three more joints. All indica dominant. You need to ground your ass this week.
SCORPIO (October 23- November 21)
The planets tell me shit is going down for you this week. Somehow a funk has penetrated its’ way through your aurora and everything probably feels just a little off, not quite right, like you have crossed into another dimension in a sponge bob and patrick sort of way. Well, maybe not like that, but weird nonetheless. Don’t worry, and keep cool, seriously cool, with some kush based strain that will help you relieve the foul, heavy weighted air that is following you around like a sticky resin that refuses to let go. Lighten up Scorpio your family will be most appreciative.
SAGITARIUS (November 22 – December 21)
There are some pretty famous stoner/sagitarians out there that are worth noting for this week’s post. Jay Z, Brad Pitt, Jon Stewart, Briteny Spears….Steve Bannon. The lot of you and all other fun loving Sagitarians out there are experiencing a time when rumors are running rampant and throngs of peoples (some even in your most inner circle) are talking shit about you. Don’t listen, and don’t allow anybody else to define who you are for you. And, smoke lots of joints, many, many joints, any and all kinds of flowers. You need to keep positive this week and remember this is your party.
CAPRICORN (December 22 – January 19)
Life isn’t easy for most of us, but life for a Capricorn can be gruelling and exhausting to the point of depression. You need to be seriously aware this week on tendencies to judge and demand perfection from your world. You are too hard on yourself and you project that level of scrutiny to all those around you. It is your task this week to diligently open yourself to all people and all ways of life. Thinking is not on your priority list right now. Try and feel your way through this week and remember right now is the only time you have and you need to appreciate the people you love for who they are and not who you want them to be. You can only control you Boo. Focus on Indica’s and anything laced with Purp’s. You goin’ need some reinforcement this week.
AQUARIUS (January 20 – February 18)
Love is in the air for you my friend. The astrological signs say you are pulsing with sexual energies that are screaming for attention. I hear Prince’s “Get Off” in my head as I write this. For you this week I recommend smoking (2) heavy indica joints/day to help balance you a bit. It is also heavily recommended you listen to Prince everyday and remember you are a precious addition to this universe and your body is only for those worthy. Be choosy. Like Mom’s and Peanut Butter.
PISCES (February 19 – March 20)
Holy Moly Pisce’s – you are in for a fucking whirlwind week that will feel like you have been put through a carwash without a car. But, don’t worry, you will endure and something big is going to happen. We don’t know what this epic event will be, but we do know if you eat a couple of edibles and top it off with a few bong rips you will weather the storm. Or, at least get high enough to where you are okay with the wind ripping off your face.
PUFF, PUFF, PASS and be kind.
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