Finally, a realistic book about HIGH-functioning STONERS who save the day…by killing zombies and smoking marijuana. Introducing Zombie Killing Stoners by C Che Bhalin and Professor BT Mienore. We don’t often encounter zombie experts, so when these dudes got in touch with us and turned us onto their book we took the opportunity to ask all ’em everything we ever wanted to know about the living dead. Follow these dudes at @zombiekstoners
HAPPY HALLOWEED…here’s a special secret excerpt from the upcoming Episode 2 of Zombie Killing Stoners Nugs and Kief.
1. What is it about brains that zombies like? Haven’t you ever tried a brain-filled burrito from a shady taco truck? That shit’s nasty, dude.
Prof: So few people have brains anymore, that our zombies just eat everything on the human. They would starve on brains alone, especially around Wall Street!
C. Che: I know what you mean, dude. My grandma used to make brains for breakfast on the farm sometimes, NASTY SHIT!! The traditional and beloved zombie brain crave held true for many millennia. You know, the old “crack the melon and have a scoop of the scrumptious, warm, vibrant gray matter still sparking the last electrical jolts from the terror-filled, pain-wracked demise of the previous owner of said brain, then move the fuck on to the next putz or putzette.”
Then suddenly, like pigeon shit coming out of nowhere and splattering on your head, things changed. The repub-T-tard-neocon-religious-profits-over-people zealots (who have no more goddamn sense than a pile of Zed scat… wanna be in your fucking bedroom… vagina-fearing, female-hating, tell-you-who-to-love) control everything but the MIC and fucking guns. These right-wing motherfuckers hit the scene and … POOF!!! NO MORE CERVEAU du HOMME.
The poor “modern” Zed now has to settle for the less, shall we say, choicer cuts like ears, lips, eyeballs, livers, intestines, digits, smooth delicious thighs, scrumptious buttocks, tasty cocks, luscious vaginas….
Che! Focus Dude! Although I do like your “repub-T-tard-neocon-religious-profits-over-people zealots”. Nice one!
What? Oh, sorry guys. See, boys and girls of all ages, that no brain shit is catching. Be careful, use your brain, ask questions, and push for the truth.
2. Aside from brains what other foods do zombies dig when they’re stoned?
Prof: Zombies don’t get stoned, and getting stoned does not turn people into Zombies, no matter what Fox News says.
C. Che: Shit. That is actually a scary thought there, dude. The Zombies are already driven by the need to feed. Imagine a pack of Zombies cruising for some grub after sparking a few bowls of Sour Goo? Man, I don’t know about you, but I’m like a Zombie when it comes to satisfying the grumble and our Fridge is full.
3. Wait? Do zombies even smoke weed?
Prof: Nope. More for the people!
C. Che: THAT’S THE SPIRIT PROF! Pass me the lighter, please.
4. Seems like if they did, they’d prefer a heady motivating Sativa over some couch-locking Indica, right?
Prof: I disagree. The zombie hunger is so omnipresent and strong that only Indica could maybe tamp it down a bit. Of course, that’s if zombies smoked weed, which they don’t.
C. Che: Gotta go 2 for 2 with the Prof on this. Those carnivorous suckers don’t need any more motivation than a warm Homo Sapiens who happens to be unlucky enough to cross their path. I think the correct term for a Zombie who is a couch potato is “target.”
5. What sorta WEED do zombie-killing stoners prefer? Killing seems like a lot of work, man…so what motivates these dudes?
Prof: A nice Jamaican Lambsbreath or some Vanilla Kush are always nice. For travel, some Sour Diesel wax in a Greco MicroG pen goes a long way.
C. Che: The fact of the matter is the ZKS just want to be left alone so that they can chill and savor the joys of living in an awesome space in the happeningest city in the world. It is definitely pretty hard to do any chilling or savoring any place, happening or not, with some Zed douche bag wanting to tame the Sour Goo belly beast (see question 2, sweetie pies) by snapping its teeth and trying to latch on to your sweet tuchas.
Wait, I just thought of something. The Yiddish word ‘Tuchas’, is the whole ass the tuchas or is it a tucha and a tucha side by side hence the plural ‘Tuchas’? Who knows the answer to this? Please help? Somebody call Babs? Lives depend….
Just asking, dude. Back to the question. Yeah, I agree with The Prof. The MicroG is great for that close-in tactical work. Zeds can’t pick up on the vapor like the old school bowls that are my fave.
6. So this zombie apocalypse takes place in NY, eh? So do like greedy-ass wall street banker zombies prefer money over brains? Wait aren’t those fuckers already dead inside?
Prof: Actually, it starts in North Korea. But our tales center around a luxury residential skyscraper in lower Manhattan, near Brooklyn Bridge and Wall Street. The Zompoc is the great equalizer for the victims. Bankers and Occupiers tearing up people together.
C. Che: The Five Boroughs of New York City, in this case mainly the island of Manhattan, have always been a fun canvas to use because no other city feels more like an actual character. I think that’s because NYC has been a dual iconic image, one of hope and dreams fulfilled, the other of over-the-top ostentatious excess that seems to be hard-wired to the human desire gene.
The Prof. and I apologize for taking liberties with the landscape, but we do it with respect and a good heart. Those Wall Street Bankers already suck the life out of everything, so I’m not too certain we’d notice much of a difference. See, the Zompoc’s already taken hold and we can’t boogie out of the way.
7. So like, dudes, is this book fact or fiction?
Prof: Definitely fiction.
C. Che: Think of the old adage “free your mind, and your ass will follow.” The stories could be fact or fiction. It just depends on one’s perception of what is fact or fiction (unless you’re one of those assholes referred to in question 1. Can you believe some of the dung that comes out of the religious right? People riding dinos? Shit, I watched the Flintstones when I was a little kid too, but I got past that shit.)
No, just fucking with you. ZKS is totally a work of fiction based on a true story as told by an old traveling minstrel with research done by the bubble boys of Whankadelphiaburg.
8. Okay, like…here’s our theory…you’ve seen one explosion you’ve seen ‘em all. So what makes the explosions in yer book worth checking out?
Prof: C. Che and I can see the Brooklyn, Manhattan, and Williamsburg bridges from our apartment. Woods and Divsha, two of the main ZKS characters, live on a much higher floor with a much better view. C. Che takes all of his military knowledge and combines it with the best visual descriptions ever, rolls it around in that beautifully twisted brain of his, and spits it out to bring the sealing off of Manhattan Island to life. It’s just plain awesome!
C. Che: I defer to The Prof. on this one.
9. So like, which scenes occurs more in this book—scenes involving weed or scenes involving nudity?
Prof: Definitely weed! Almost no nudity, but plenty of gore.
C. Che: I think the title says it all. Besides, what’s the name of this website that’s interviewing us? Say it with me everyone… StuffStonersLike.com. See, it’s not stuff-naked-halfeaten-Zomchicks-like-to-fucking-eat.com. All kidding aside, and to answer your question, weed.
A pretty fair amount of the Zompoc stuff out there seems to have a conservative “Right” lean. You know, the nice, average, clean-cut, Caucasian, hetero guy.
Let me stress that NOT all Zompoc has this, just a lot I’ve had to wade through. There is a buttload of really fun alternative Zompoc on the market that just begs to be read and reread – gotta give major props to JJ Zep and his boy ‘Cruisin’ Chris Collins, one of my favorites. The Prof and I wanted to take a bunch of people who are stoners but aren’t the stereotypical stoners. You know, the ones like you and I, the majority of stoners who manage to function in what civilization likes to pretend is a normal fashion.
10. So like how does someone become a zombie? Do you have to be bitten by a vampire rat or eat some really bad sushi or some shit?
Prof: We dig the classic Romero zombie. You are bitten by a Zed and you become a Zed.
C. Che: JUST SAY FUCK OFF TO FLYING BLOODSUCKING RODENTS!! In the ZKS stories the source of the original outbreak is a mystery and really not relevant to the episodes. It is generally accepted that a virus of unknown origin caused the outbreak to begin in North Korea. In the time honored, get down and dirty manner, if you get bitten by one of the rotten assholes then your ticket is punched. That is, if the Zeds don’t leave you just a scattered pile of picked clean bones in a slick of your own blood and excrement.
11. Are Scientologists zombies? No wait…it’s the Mormons, right?
Prof: Both are based on crazy science fiction stories, but really, aren’t all religions mind-numbing?
C. Che: Well, they are interchangeable. There are Thetons and spaceships, and then magic holy (I so want to say “holey” but the Prof is giving me dirty looks and reaching for something sharp) lingerie. These are prime ingredients for a ‘50s B-movie – a bunch of crazed folks stampeding after the wrong choice as fast as shit out of a politician’s piehole.
I have a hard time with any organized religion. One’s belief in some guy (ALWAYS with the fucking Guy! One guess who wrote – or at least took credit for writing – the holy texts for most organized scams, oh sorry, religions.) is personal and I personally don’t care what or who or how people do their imaginary friend thing, just as long as they keep that shit to themselves and don’t bother me.
I feel like the whole purpose of life is to do as much good with as little harm as possible, and to question and learn. You must experience as much as you can before you check out of this mortal coil. Every religion censors free will to one extreme or another, but that doesn’t make living religious people zombies. It just makes them of questionable intelligence.
12. Isn’t a zombie like someone who just blindly follows some ideology and is on a quest to convert the brains of others to their ideas?
Prof: No, otherwise so many people would already be zombies. Zombies are walking dead who eat people.
C. Che: You’re talking about “The repub-T-tard-neocon-religious-profits-over-people zealots (who have no more goddamn sense than a pile of Zed scat… wanna be in your fucking bedroom… vagina-fearing, female-hating, tell-you-who-to-love) control everything but the MIC and fucking guns” from question Uno aren’t you?
13. With that said…what religion appeals most to zombies?
Prof: They are equal opportunity eaters.
C. Che: Hummmm? Tough one, dudeskis. Probably Catholic, since their meal already comes with a side of non-gourmet, barely-able-to-choke-down with the jebuz juice, cracker that signifies human flesh. That’s a little payback to all the Siztur Sandy Bustyourknuckles from all the kids in Catholic schools everywhere. Mean-spirited penguins and fucking rulers are not a good combo.
14. Is there some sort of way of reversing zombie—ism?
Prof: People need to read the book to find out.
C. Che: Stop giving the people hope, Prof. Once you go Zed your ass is dead.
15. We vaguely remember a fairytale set in the Roman times about some dude who got pinned-up on a letter T and died because some chick ate an apple after like some talking snake told her to. And like a few days later that dude turned into a zombie. No wait…that dude came back to life as a bunny who hid colorful eggs or some shit?
Prof: Isn’t the Pope a bunny? Or do I watch too much South Park? But yes, I suppose you could read parts of the New Testament as a zombie story.
C. Che: I thought those dudes in Italy WERE the Easter eggs and were just waiting around for the bunny to hide them or dip them in chocolate or some shit like that. SHIT! Now I’m confused. This dude came on a spaceship, right? No? Made a T out of the tree he sat under? Again no? FUCK! Ok. Ok. Had twelve stepsisters that hit a casino in Vegas? NO!? COME ONNN!
WTF do you mean wrong religion? See people! Get your fucking fairy tales str8t. Aesop didn’t have this problem getting his point across.
16. So like isn’t the holy bible like the OG best-selling zombie book of all time?
Prof: Yes, but not according to their kick-ass propaganda.
C. Che: Of course it’s best-selling! The damn thing’s been around for 2000 years. How the fuck do you compete with that shit, man? Those cocksuckers got some serious bank off of that collection of tales. Like P.T. Barnum (the circus guy) said, “There’s a sucker born every minute.”
Prof: The New Testament is a story devoted to a 33 year old single rabbi who still lives with his parents and hangs out with twelve other dudes and a shiksa prostitute. What more can I say?
C. Che: I read Dr. Seuss instead and felt highly enriched by the experience.
18. Who is a more fearsome foe a cannibal or a zombie?
Prof: A cannibal is easier to kill. Center mass shot will kill a cannibal, but not a zombie.
C. Che: A cannibal could be a problem because s/he and you could be of comparable skill and intelligence. If s/he gets the drop on you, Bingo – you’re dead.
One-on-one a Zed isn’t that fearsome of an opponent if you’ve got your shit sorted. It gets hairier when you start adding more of the Zed’s posse to the mix, ‘cuz if you have to skedaddle those douche bags just keep on your ass 24/7 til eventually you wind up with a new name – Dinner.
19. What is it with people these days and their fascination with zombies?
Prof: People have always loved Zombies. They make for great, gory, escapist fun.
C. Che: I think that society is looking in the mirror and realizes that it is so FUBARed that the only thing scarier is the thought of some blood and shit stained creature chewing on your ‘nads. Dude, ever since Romero’s Night of the Living Dead hit the screen the people have been clamoring for more. We just love having the shit scared out of us in the most basic way. What’s more scary – a disgusting, decomposing zombie nightmare coming after you or some pussy vamp who can’t decide whether to fuck you or suck you?
20. Tell us the top 3 things we need to know about Zombie Killing Stoners?
Prof: One, it is really funny comedy fiction – laugh-out-loud mental masturbation (especially if you are stoned). Two, there is plenty of action, along with gore, guns, chronic, and interesting characters. Three, it takes place in a fictionalized version of an actual residential building in the TriBeCa/FIDI, NY neighborhoods. So downtown New Yorkers might recognize a place or two.
C. Che: 1) It is a fun take on the Zompoc – weed, bullets, Louisville sluggers, Samoan Drag Queens, awesome-ass doormen, babes, The Farfel, gore…
2) There are some really interesting people running through the episodes. As we all know, in a Zompoc no warm-blooded human is 100% safe.
3) IT IS NOT A STORY OF HOPELESS DESPAIR!!!
21. So like if we saw this headline in the newspaper: Zombie Killing Stoners We’d think the story was about a zombie who is killing stoners. So is that what your book is about? Or did you like get too stoned and forget to like add that like little line thing in between Zombie and Killing as in Zombie-Killing Stoners…so it would be like stoners who we’re killing a zombie?
Prof: Now, now. “Like stoners who we’re (sic) killing a zombie?” No throwing stoners, and all that. You do know that the “hyphen in a compound adjective” rule is only very loosely followed in the US, since given some context most people can figure things out.
C. Che: Dude, I slept with my grammar professor (NOT The Prof., you sick little bunnies) so I have ab-so-fuc-king-lute-ly no clue what little line you’re referring to.
22. Who is more annoying zombies or assholes who correct people’s grammar?
Prof: Zombies. Getting eaten and turned into a Zed sucks more than grammatical corrections. Just sayin’.
C. Che: That’s like asking which is more painful – getting your cock sounded with a 3/4inch drill bit dipped in grain alcohol or getting a haircut in a nice comfy barber chair. Let me get back to you on that one.
23. Wait…we were getting STONED once…and like saw some documentary on TV about real life zombies in the Congo…what’s up with that?
Prof: Where did that come from? Fox News or The History Channel? Was it on that show with the “proof of aliens” crazy-hair guy? Clearly you were not stoned enough.
C. Che: Dude, you are going to rot your brain so fucking bad a Zombie wouldn’t touch it if you keep watching Faux Spews. Just step back from the set, put the remote in the drawer, get your goodie of choice, go sit out under the Sycamore tree with a lovely view of the sunset, fire up, inhale the soothing tendrils…hold it, exhale all the bad Tarzan juju shit, repeat.
See, isn’t that the icing on the cupcakes.
24. Mummies are creepy, dude. We saw one in a museum once. So like when mummies come back to life and fuck with the people who fucked with their final fucking resting places…are they like considered like mummy zombies? Zombie mummies?
Prof: Mummy is a description of the wrapped preserved dead, whether asleep or awake. The ones who come back are definitely zombies. C. Che, you will probably disagree with me here, since mummies tend not to go on blind feeding rampages in the way of the Romero zombie.
C. Che: Yes Prof., I disagree. I gotta go off course with you on this one. I think that even though the mummy comes back it still doesn’t fit your classic definition of a zombie because it only kills its intended victims. There is no slapping on a lobster bib then tucking in to any and every schlub’s innards. Aannnddd there is no spreading of the Zombie virus by mummy. Yes boys and girls, we have two different creatures. Mystery solved. Now give me my doobie snack.
25. Which group is more like zombies the GOP or the Democrats?
Prof: At this point, watching them all circling each other like sharks moving in for a kill, I would say all of them. Including elected Libertarians.
C. Che: Ooh, ooh I know…I know. (D) None of the above.
Prof: HELP! Somebody call 911! C. Che’s been replaced by a sumbitch replicant. Where the fuck is my shotty? Dude, there is no ‘D’.
C. Che: Yes there is, if you think about it. To get to the positions where these former-human beings are now they’ve necessarily been totally devoid of any semblance of humanity or warmth for years. While they are not zombies, they are also not zombie food.
Why would any self-respecting Zombie want to waste time and energy going after a well-coifed empty shell who does nothing when there is a nice warm… oh, let’s say, Emo girl on a lime green Vespa going nice and slow, with only the open road ahead of her? Zombies don’t fuck with lesser life forms like politicians.
26. Hrm…can animals become zombies? Because, man…imagine a zombie sharknado, dude…that would be HELLA scary, wouldn’t it? Fuckin’ zombie sharks and shit flying through the air…cray, eh?
Prof: Above my pay grade, dude.
C. Che: There are none in the ZKS series, but I’ve read other writers that had Zed animals. Shit dude, just think if the rat population in NYC became Zombiefied and commenced leaving their burrows on the hunt for something bigger than that week-old chicken you pitched down the chute. Or, how about a Zed pachyderm, charging down the street and smashing those big-assed feet down on a pack of Goldman Sachs executives? Fuck, that would look sweet on the evening news. Imagine… “Good evening. In business news the mar….SPLAT!!”
27. So like a zombie Bob Marley would be better than no Bob Marley at all, right?
Prof: I would have to say yes. One love!
C. Che: In all honesty, that is a touchy subject for me. I still choke up to this day at the world’s loss. Bob is sacred and will not be toyed with by someone as unworthy as I. ONE LOVE
28. What’s the best way to kill a zombie? Oh wait…they’re already dead. So like how the fuck do you eliminate zombies?
Prof: Head shot. You can take that shot with a spear, knife, shovel, crovel, or gun, among other things, but it better be in the head.
C. Che: One in the dome. No need to get fancy.
29. Shouldn’t the politically correct thing to do with these zombie dudes… be like to offer them rehabilitation over treating them like criminals and killing them?
Prof: Fuck that! When it comes to Zombies, the right-to-life crew is just wrong. And because they try to save the Zombies, they get eaten first. Serves them right! (Ha ha.)
C. Che: I’m all for giving someone a second chance in life. We’ve all been down that road one way or another. But when it comes to some stank-assed Zombie wanting a nibble of my succulent self, I say a resounding “FUCK THAT SHIT!” That chomping assface is heading for FUBARville on a one-way ticket.
30. So is zombie—ism like reincarnation? Because, dude…killing people and eating their brains would lead to some really negative kharma wouldn’t it?
Prof: Not like reincarnation at all, since the person is actually dead.
C. Che: Reincarnation is when the essence of our conciousness leaves one shell and goes to…. Ah, fuck it, Dude! No way, no how.
31. Do zombies have feelings?
C. Che: No. That’s why you don’t really need to experience remorse or guilt when you jack those suckers up. That’s not a person any longer stumbling towards you salivating like a Mastiff in a butcher shop.
32. So like what inspired you guys to write this book?
Prof: We were sitting in our apartment getting stoned and discussing how much fun it would be to write a book where the high-functioning stoners would save the day. C. Che is really into Zombie books, and we both love Walking Dead and Romero’s films. And then we thought it would be awesome to set it in our neighborhood, which we love.
C. Che: Like the Prof. said.
Prof: The second book is in editing right now, so look for it around December 2013. Episodes three and four are also in the works. We would love to do some comics of Zombie Killing Stoners, since the writing is so visual. Don’t be surprised to see a screenplay.
C. Che: Yeah, the second episode is at the hyphen-police right now. Number three is started but needs fleshing out. Number four is still in outline. Wait a sec… “What was that Miss Smiley? Oh yes, yes, I’ll mention that also. Thank you, dear. Now run along and assist The Prof., please.”
Our delightful PA, Miss Smiley, wants me to mention that there will be other stories related to but not necessarily featuring the ZKS crew, coming out in 2014.
After that…. Well, that’s The Prof’s. gig.
34. Why don’t zombies cook them brains first, what the fuck…are they like on that raw food diet and shit?
Prof: Anyone on a raw food diet is already on the path to Zombie-dom. If they eat raw meat, even better.
C. Che: Bud, Zombies are uncoordinated as hell, and you want these fuck-sticks to sauté and flambé? That sounds like a fun event to watch. Cooking the brains or whatever delicious body part they want to feast on destroys the necessary proteins the Zombie craves. Also, if they want to cook then they need pots and pans, utensils, plates, wine glasses, cutlery, salt & pepper…. Nah, dude. Zombies like to travel light. They’re not into the materialistic shit.
35. What about vegan zombies…what the fuck do those assholes eat?
Prof: The Zompoc brings out the meat tartare lover in all of us.
C. Che: HARF!!! Talk about fucking nasty. Seitan brains. I think I need to eat some warm flesh right now just to cleanse my brain.