Weekly Stoner Horoscope for October 23-29, 2017


Now is time for self discovery and courage. Don’t be afraid of what may come and ruminate on this little epiphany from artist Frida Kahlo, “I am the subject I know best. The subject I want to know better.” Think about the ways you could free yourself from past self perceptions and launch yourself into uncharted territories like Frida. Let your inner child roam curiously around in your imagination and see where she leads you. A wonderland of possibility and opportunity are on the horizon if you allow yourself to get to know you a little better. Keep it cloudy with heavy indica vapor and use one of Frida’s self portraits as inspiration. Your song this week is a little instrumental ditty by upcoming guitar phenom, Mateus Asato

TAURUS (April 20 – May 20)

Poet Stephen Levine wrote, “Happiness comes from getting what you want,” whereas joy comes “from being who you really are.” Does this make sense to you Taurus? It should. The astrological planets suggest Levine’s poetry is exemplary of your situation right now. You may get what you want, but don’t be surprised if you get a bit overwhelmed with who you really are. Heavy, I know, inhale some sativa dominant vapor this week and relax your worries. All will be well and remember worry only causes your face to wrinkle prematurely. It will do no other good. Use Anderson Paak, ‘Come On’ as your inspiration this week.

GEMINI (May 21- June 20)

You could be in store for a captivating involvement with a new influence, a provocative exchange that enchants you, or maybe a fascinating encounter that shifts your soul. I can’t totally foresee the event, but it looks big, real BIG. Buckle up and get ready, it could be a bumpy ride. Nothing that you haven’t experienced before, but a bit tumultuous nevertheless. Kinda like the Demon roller coaster ride at Great America, it jolts and realigns your spine but leaves one exhilarated in the end. Keep things light and smokey with some sativa in the morning and indica in the evening. And, listen to a classic from the Velvet Underground, ‘The Gift’.

CANCER (June 21 – July 22)

The next twelve months are all about you finding out what you want out of this here life. Sounds trite, but it’s not, it’s really fucking important you get this right. I want only joy and happiness for you and it is in your wheelhouse, you just need to focus and clarify what it is you want. Ask yourself this question, ‘What do I want?’ and take the next 12 months to figure it out so the rest of your life will unfold like a story from disney fairy tale. Well, maybe not like a Disney fairytale, those are all bullshit, more like a Julia Robert’s movie. No, actually, those are bullshit too. Inhale some 50/50 hybrids and don’t look to hollywood or childhood fairytales for anything, they are both bull shit. Look to T-Rex and ‘Get it On’ to set to tone and rhythm for your week.

LEO (July 23- August 22)

Leo, you are entering a phase when the single most important gift you can give yourself is to remember what you’re made of and how you got made. Inhale some kush heavy indica vapor then let your mind go and see if you can map the journey it takes. Take some time to think about what feeds your soul and brings you the most joy. This life just isn’t about you doing for others. It’s also about learning to hold yourself in the same regard you hold those you try to help. I am hearing Katy Perry’s, ‘ROAR’, in my head as I write your words of inspiration this week.
I got the eye of the tiger, a fighter
Dancing through the fire
‘Cause I am the champion, and you’re gonna hear me roar
Louder, louder than a lion
‘Cause I am a champion, and you’re gonna hear me roar!

VIRGO (August 23 – September 22)

The astrological omens indicate the next couple of weeks will be full of interesting new avenues available to help transition you into an oasis of joy and self worth. Sound good? Fuck yeah, it sounds good, now you gotta do your part. Stop being such a killjoy and allow yourself to have a good time. Inhale lots and lots of purps to help relax your mind and prime the body. And, use Prince as your muse this week. Prince on stage was like watching a self worth master dish out astronomical amounts of joy and happiness. Take a dose if you dare…

LIBRA (September 23 – October 22)

Be on the lookout for clues from the spiritual world via cues and clues in the next couple of weeks. The universe is sending you messages on how to find your rhythm, your groove, your sweet place, so to speak. The place where you feel like your soul is at home and all is right with the world. Try an edible or two this week and keep an open mind. Use Flo Rida and J-Lo for some inspiration, ‘Sweet Spot’.

SCORPIO (October 23- November 21)

Don’t get discouraged by any obstacles in your way of getting what you want right now. This time is temporary and is meant for you to settle and self soothe your soul. You don’t always know how things are going to turn out and life may surprise you this week. Stay positive and keep things cloudy with 3 sativa hybrid joints a day. Don’t worry and remember life is neither bad or good it just is. ‘Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds’ is blaring in my head right now. Use this classic to help you remember things aren’t always as they appear.

SAGITTARIUS (November 22 – December 21)

Do you know who Jacob M. Braude is? He was a famous author who wrote clever somewhat insightful prose back in the 19th century. Some of his stuff might be relevant to you this week. He wrote, “Consider how hard it is to change yourself and you’ll understand what little chance you have in trying to change others.” Ouch. If you think you can change people, but pretty bullseye accurate when you think about it. And, he gave us this little nug, “Behave like a duck. Keep calm and unruffled on the surface, but paddle like the devil underneath.” One of my favorite is, “Life is like a grindstone; whether it grinds you down or polishes you up depends on what you’re made of.” Use these tips as life preservers for the next couple of weeks and remember in the end it’s always best to just do you boo. Also, you should probably smoke a lot of weed all day with Snoop in the background, motherfucker.

CAPRICORN (December 22 – January 19)

Capricorn, do you know what I love about you? Besides, your goat like ability to cling onto the edge of a mountain with grace and purpose; no matter the climate or earthly elements thrown your way? I love your ability and power to inspire and organize. The next couple of weeks will be the perfect opportunity for you to allow your unique talents to peak. Don’t shy away from a project just because you think it will take too long. Now is the time to think big picture and begin your marathon, not sprint, to the next level. Keep things cloudy with a sativa dominant hybrid and vape your way to productivity. Pump a little Grace Slick and Jefferson Airplane in your ear buds for inspiration. ‘Somebody to Love’, inspired a generation and ultimately organized a movement that resonates today. Maybe you could organize your own revolution and find somebody to love?

AQUARIUS (January 20 – February 18)

Do you remember when Spiderman’s beloved Uncle Ben tells him, “with great power, comes great responsibility”? I want you to use this famous line from comic book history as a friendly reminder of what could happen when you obtain the power you hunger for now. Remember your continued efforts to succeed will always motivate you to do and be better. But, the resulting consequence could be a huge albatross of responsibility around your neck, forever. Naaaaw, just joking, not forever, just until you decide to let it go. Which could be forever knowing your very consistent and persistent nature. Keep your energy light with some heavy indica dominate doobers and don’t worry too much. I am hearing Bobby McFerrin in my head, ‘Don’t Worry, Be Happy’.

PISCES (February 19 – March 20)

Do you know what an exercise in futility truly means? You hear this phrase thrown out in conversation a great deal, but I don’t think people really get how many exercises in futility are completed by one individual in just one day. Ruminate on what it means to exercise in futility and try to figure out how you are continually taking on actions that cannot succeed in your daily routine. Also, throw some heavy crystallized herb into the mix while your mind ponders the above with ‘Catch a Fire’, by The Bug.

PUFF, PUFF, PASS and be kind.
Horoscopes by @StonedandStuff

Leave a Reply