Weekly Stoner Horoscope for October 9-15, 2017

Horoscope HeroARIES (March 21 – April 19)

The most difficult and challenging task one will ever take on in life is sustaining and maintaining a relationship with a mate. And, guess what? The majority of people fail at this effort as few know how to feed and keep a healthy relationship alive. Think about it for a second….how many successful, loving, supportive relationships have you witnessed in your lifetime or somebody else’s? Not even fucking Albert Einstein was able to navigate his way through marriage, and he understood gravity and all the workings of the universe. My point is, beleaguered as it might be, there is no perfect playbook to get you through life with a partner and we are all doing the best we can with what we got. Now is the time for empathy and understanding for the one trying to navigate life with you. It may also be the time for heavy indica flowers to balance you a bit. ‘Gimme Shelter’, is your theme song this week. Ruminate on giving those around you a safe place to run when the shit goes down.

I am channeling only Stones songs this week, because they are the greatest rock and roll band ever and the world needs rock and roll now like it never has before. ‘Gimme Shelter’, is your theme this week, ruminate on giving those around you a safe place to run to when the shit starts flying around.

TAURUS (April 20 – May 20)

Has your mother ever told you to ‘love yourself like I love you’? This is my message to you this week. I want you to love yourself like you would love your own child. Meaning, lavish yourself in a self love that is comparable to the unconditional and relentless love of a parent. Now is the time for you to immerse and relax into a river of self love, wider and more powerful than the Mississippi River. Take a bath in the security of knowing you are loved and have lots of love to give and focus on all the little details that make you feel at ease and in love with the world. Inhale your favorite indica and listen to ‘Loving Cup’,  just one drink…..

GEMINI (May 21- June 20)

The astrological omens tell me the universe is sending you support via what some may call ‘an angel’ or what I like to call a ‘beacon to spiritual awareness’. Be on the lookout for the wayward beacon of spiritual awareness and allow them to shine a light for you. Now is the time to open your mind and allow the universe to show you where to go. Allow your beacon or beacons to be like a lighthouse in a storm showing you a path to safety and remember everything happens for a reason. Nothing is random or simply up to chance. Listen to ‘Emotional Rescue’, and let yourself to be swept up in Jagger’s falsetto disco tribute.

CANCER (June 21 – July 22)

Feel like a boxer punched you in the stomach with one of those cartoon like, oversized boxing glove? Or maybe you just feel a little uneasy or unsure about your safety in the world. Don’t worry, you are in good company and this uncertain time is temporary. This phase will pass and allow for opportunities for you to become closer and more intimate with your loved one. Stay strong and inhale lots of indica to keep things cloudy. Stay away from heavy sativa’s this week and indulge in all things kush. Also, use ‘Tumbling Dice’, as your mantra this week.

LEO (July 23- August 22)

Did you know Samsung sold noodles and dry fish when they first started their company in 1938? Yup. Then, in 1954 they jumped to wool manufacturing before venturing into electronics decades later. Why is this important to you? The planets are aligned for you to experience something similar. It’s a very exciting time for you right now my ferocious and feisty lion. The next year or so will be all about you transforming and redirecting your energies for your ultimate happiness. Inhale, sativa hybrids this week and focus on getting a detailed plan solidified. The next couple of weeks are prime time for organization and clarity. Use, ‘Can’t You Hear me Knocking’, as your background soundtrack. The world will soon hear your knock and it will sound like the roar and tone of Keith’s guitar.

VIRGO (August 23 – September 22)

Life is journey and a continual process of emotional and spiritual evolution. Right now you are in a metaphorical mixing bowl of emotion and spiritual evolution, turning and twisting in all different directions. Tell all friends and co-workers to just give you some breathing room this week. Inhale lots and lots of indica, and listen to one of the greatest songs in rock and roll history, ‘Satisfaction’. This period of turmoil and uncertainty are only temporary and you will soon be feeling satisfied once again.

LIBRA (September 23 – October 22)

Did you know Chuck Berry was a Libra? It’s true, and he clowned Keith Richards publicly more times than I am sure Keef can remember. Berry was notorious for snubbing Keef and the Rolling Stones. He actually punched Keith in the face in 1981 during a backstage encounter in New York and he threw a lit match down his shirt in 1983. Then when Keef tried to pay tribute to him and his art in the movie Hail! Hail! Rock ’n’ Roll Chuck skewered him on camera. I am not sure if Keef has taken shit from anybody like he did from Chuck. My point is, don’t be like Chuck Berry and piss on those that idolize you and your craft. History will not be kind to you and you will end up looking like an insecure asshole. Inhale and eat much indica for a bodily high and turn up, ‘Brown Sugar’, the song wouldn’t exist without Chuck Berry, but Keef and Mick take it to eleven, if you know what I mean.  Read More: The Night Chuck Berry Kicked Keith Richards Off His Stage.

SCORPIO (October 23- November 21)

Sometimes the only way to heal emotional wounds is to analyze the past and reflect upon what life has been lived. Freud based his entire life and career on this concept. Lucky for you years of expensive analysis will not be needed to help you put things in their place. Now is the time to think about an autobiography and what you have done thus far. Seriously, outline the events of your life and detail all the twists and turns of your journey. Think about how you felt during the tumultuous times and acknowledge your growth and beautiful contributions to the world. Inhale some sativa in the morning and journal a bit this week. Your Rolling Stone theme song is, ‘100 Years Ago

SAGITTARIUS (November 22 – December 21)

Have you been holding on to a coveted object, saving it and stowing it away somewhere safe for that perfect moment to partake in it’s offering? You know like when you save a real juicy, purple nugget from your favorite strain and put it away for a rainy day when your stash has been depleted? Well, now is the time to pull that precious relic out and imbibe in all its glory. Quit saving up for that rainy day and smoke what has been waiting patiently for your consumption. And, take a moment to think about one of my favorite quotes, ‘Eat, drink, and be merry. For tomorrow we may die.’ Most people drop the second line and use the Disney version of the message, but I like the OG version the best. ‘Rocks Off’, is your mantra this week. And, you should probably listen only to songs from Exile on Main Street, nothing else for a whole week.

CAPRICORN (December 22 – January 19)

The Kardashian’s just celebrated their 10th anniversary of documenting their lives for profit. As a result, a generation of young people and older people too, think tweeting and snapchat are legit ways to a career. Too many believe you do not exist unless you are viewed on social media sources. This week I want you to know fame and fortune do not bring food for your soul. It’s all smoke and mirrors and now is the time for you to choose between what’s flashy and what’s authentic; between feeding your ego and feeding your soul. Heavy stuff, I know, so keeps things light with a couple of joints a day. One sativa dominant in the morning and one indica dominant in the evening. Make sure to take a dose of, ‘Sympathy for the Devil’, to help you get your priorities straight.

AQUARIUS (January 20 – February 18)

Ever sit and watch the ocean waves from the beach? Ever think about where you would go if you could jump on a ship and cruise to any destination? Let your mind wander and ask yourself these questions. See what bubbles up from within and really think about what long-range inquiries or invitations might you send out to that direction? Try some Select vape, Pineapple Kush, and let your mind go to where it is needed. Use, ‘Miss You’, as your muse this week.

PISCES (February 19 – March 20)

I often reference Spinal Tap, as many who love music do, turning the amp to eleven is one of my favorite scenes. Did you know turning the amp up to eleven is actually defined in wikipedia? Check it the fuck out,

“Up to eleven”, also phrased as “these go to eleven”, is an idiom from popular culture, coined in the 1984 movie This Is Spinal Tap, where guitarist Nigel Tufnel proudly demonstrates an amplifier whose volume knob is marked from zero to eleven, instead of the usual zero to ten. The primary implication of the reference is one in which things that are essentially the same are seen as different, due to mislabeling or the user’s misunderstanding of the underlying operating principles. A secondary reference may be anything being exploited to its utmost limits, or apparently exceeding them. Similarly, the expression “turning it up to eleven” refers to the act of taking something to an extreme. In 2002 the phrase entered the Shorter Oxford English Dictionary with the definition “up to maximum volume”. Anything you do this week to turn your life to 11 will be rewarded by the universe giving it right back to you in a similar fashion. Turn it to 11 in all ways possible and rock on to, ‘Jumpin Jack Flash’. Arguably, one of the top three Rolling Stones Songs ever written.

By @stonerandstuff
PUFF, PUFF, PASS and be kind.

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