"My theory with the Republicans gaining control of the senate is that they’ve got two…
STUFF STONERS LIKE: We know a lot of chicks that play in bands and happen to play the guitar. Some really hate to be referred to as girls…as in girl-band; girl-guitar player…like it diminishes their talent or something. What do you think about that?
White Mystery: Guitar World just named Alex “10 Female Guitarists You Should Know” so it’s cool.
STUFF STONERS LIKE: That’s cool, because like now we do know you. So that IS cool. So you two played more than 120 shows all across the country last year, damn. So like, during your travels have you come across a particular state where you, uhm…think the grass is a li’l greener?
White Mystery: Have you been to the fertile soil of Canada?
STUFF STONERS LIKE: Ahhh…Canada, we’ve heard of that place…ain’t it famous for hockey and weed? Ya know they have a pot leaf on their flag, right? Yeah, we LOVE that place. Wait…speaking of hockey, you two are from Chicago, eh? Don’t tell us you’re like Blackhawks fans and shit?
White Mystery: I love Basketball, like The Bulls and DePaul Blue Demons college games. Are you big hockey fans in the freezing tundras of Oakland, California?
White Mystery: You mean the smell of road kill?
STUFF STONERS LIKE: Uhhh…you know what we mean, dudes.
White Mystery: Smile!
STUFF STONERS LIKE: Ya know…rolling dirty has it’s risks, just ask Willie Nelson or Snoop Dogg, so let’s pretend the highway patrol stops ya. If you’re listening to Snoop or Willie or NWA’s FUCK THE POLICE when a cop pulls ya over…yer pro’lly fucked, right? So what’s like the best album to be jammin’ at that very moment you get pulled over?
White Mystery: “Born Innocent” from Redd Kross
STUFF STONERS LIKE: So like really, though…you guys are from Chicago, eh? Isn’t that like where the President’s from, right?
White Mystery: President Obama lives somewhere in Chicago, right?
White Mystery: Peace Out
STUFF STONERS LIKE: Peas? Did you say peas? And, were’ back to food again. Okay, when we get stoned we like to order Chinese food, watch some Star Trek and wait for that shit to get delivered, yo. But, like Chicago’s known for pizza, right? So that must mean their Chinese take-out must suck, right?
White Mystery: Chicago is a paradise for pizza lovers, and we pickup deep dish in person from a classic joint called Gulliver’s.
STUFF STONERS LIKE: Good call, dude, that way you don’ t have tip nobody. Damn, all this pizza talk and now we’ve got the munchies hella bad. Like, when you guys get the munchies what are ya lookin’ to get into, man? Potato Chips, Mother’s Animal Crackers and a ChocoTaco?
STUFF STONERS LIKE: Good choice. Them Animal Cracker cookie things do go great with weed. And coffee. Ya know…Jeff Spicoli once got Van Halen to play at his birthday using the money he scored after tossing some coffee in this dude’s face. Blam. It was awesome. No wait…it wasn’t Spicoli it was that other dude behind the counter who threw the coffee. Spicoli made his Van Halen money by saving Brooke Shields from drowning, right? Eh, who cares…the point is…we totally love coffee…it’s delicious. So uhm…how do you all like your coffee?
White Mystery: You know the first White Mystery song on “Blood & Venom” actually explains exactly how I like my coffee? Black, with ice.
We did know that. Did you know we’re about to start the quick-fire round? And…GO!
STUFF STONERS LIKE: Do you think it’s easier for someone to understand Ozzy Osbourne if they’re stoned or drunk?
STUFF STONERS LIKE: Wait reunion tour? Are we dreaming? Okay…Give us a word that rhymes with Fuck?
Alex: Suck
Fran: MUCK
STUFF STONERS LIKE: How ‘bout one that rhymes with Greed?
Alex: Bleed
Fran: SEED
STUFF STONERS LIKE: Favorite cereal to eat at 2 am after a gig?
Fran: APE BUTTS
STUFF STONERS LIKE: Aren’t those the same thing? Okay, so if you had just one weapon to defeat a zombified Newt Gingrich…what would you choose?
Alex: Intelligence
Fran: DOUBLE CHAINSAW
STUFF STONERS LIKE: Ooohh…double chainsaw. NICE! Who’d win in a fight Bruce Lee or Godzilla?
Alex: Godzilla!
Fran: BRUCE LEROY
STUFF STONERS LIKE: They say the mind is a terrible thing to taste…but a brain on drugs looks completely delicious…especially with a side of bacon and some toast. So uhm, what do you two usually eat for breakfast?
Alex: (IN UNISON) Six cups of coffee, toast and a green apple.
Fran: (IN UNISON) Six cups of coffee, toast and a green apple.
STUFF STONERS LIKE: Would you make out with Maggie Gyllenhaal? and if no…how about your brother?
Alex: I’d make out with her bro…just imagine a Gyllenhaal/White three-legged race down the aisle.
Fran: YES
STUFF STONERS LIKE: Nooo, no…we mean…would your bro make out with Maggie…on purpose?
Fran: YES
Alex: It defies gravity
Fran: 190 LBS
STUFF STONERS LIKE: Quick…first word that comes to mind when you hear the word; crybaby
Alex: Johnny Depp
Fran: YOUR MOTHER
STUFF STONERS LIKE: How long have you known your brother?
Alex: I’ve know Francis for 8911 days, 1 hour, 30 minutes and 44 seconds.
STUFF STONERS LIKE: Wait are you sure that dude’s your brother?
Alex: Yes.
White Mystery: We would save them both from a burning building.
And…we’re done with the quick-fire round…guess we should ask you ’bout your music, eh?
STUFF STONERS LIKE: We love that fire-glo Rickenbacker guitar you seem glued to, Mrs. Alex. It’s very 60s garage-rocky, a lot like yer sound. So, uh…what made ya choose that particular guitar? It really sets off your beautiful locks.
Miss Alex White: A tall, redheaded man at the Chicago Music Exchange handed it to me and then a choir of angels sang.
STUFF STONERS LIKE: A redhead, eh? We knew it had something to do with hair. But damn, yo…how do you get those angel’s voices to sound so distorted and rockin’?
STUFF STONERS LIKE: Mmmm pie. So, in closing…would you PLEASE suggest 5 ROCK albums our Hip Hop lovin’ audience (not that there’s anything wrong with that?) should check out to get an understanding of why ROCK ROCKS…
Miss Alex White: White Mystery spins vinyl all the time, here’s the crowd-pleasers:
Check out White Mystery’s site, FB action, Twitter coordinates. We stole photos for this article from Diane Alexander White. And, make sure to check out White Mystery’s new album, 2011’s, Blood & Venom. The opening track’s called White Mystery…and our theory that any band who introduces themselves via song, especially on an album THAT IS NOT their debut…FUCKIN ROCKS!
Upcoming White Mystery Gigs
01/24/12 DJ WXRT The Eclectic Company Chicago, IL
01/25/12 DJ The Charleston Chicago, IL
02/04/12 The Metro Chicago, IL
02/11/12 Cowboy Monkey Champaign, IL
03/02/12 Gabe’s Oasis Iowa City, IA
03/03/12 Brother’s Lounge Omaha, NE
03/04/12 Zoo Bar Lincoln, NE
03/08/12 Jackpot Music Hall Lawrence, KS
03/10/12 Hi Tones San Antonio, TX
White Mystery Shreds SXSW III
03/13/12 Beauty Bar Austin, TX
03/15/12 The Elysium Austin TX
03/17/12 Beerland Austin, TX
03/18/12 Club Dada Dallas, TX
White Mystery Live by Rob Karlic
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SF cancels HUGE 420 Celebration!