Weekly Stoner Horoscope for August 28-September 3, 2017
ARIES (March 21 – April 19)
Angus Young is a guitar god. Nobody can dispute the man knows how to blow the skin off your face with his weapon of choice, the guitar. Angus also happens to be an Aries which brings me to my point for you this week. Do what you can to channel your inner Angus and find a similar weapon of choice to unleash on the world to hear. Don’t forget you were born under a sign of fire and have the power to change the world, if you so dare. Stay positive and energetic this week by inhaling sativa hybrids throughout the day with a hit or two of heavy indica at night. Also, start your day to one of my favorite AC/DC anthems, “Highway to Hell”.
TAURUS (April 20 – May 20)
Have you ever heard of the author Kameel Hawa? He wrote that he “prefers pleasure to leisure and leisure to luxury.” You might want to heed Kameel’s wisdom by doing some soul searching and thinking about his observation. Sometimes the really big box with the really big red bow on top isn’t always the best choice to run with. Think about what life would be like if you were to focus on sustaining the good thing you got going and say no to the shiny and sparkly, blingy, bling thing that may be dazzling in front of you. Just food for thought. Inhalations of indica are recommended to open your mind and relax your body. Take a listen to Fuel’s, “Shimmer”, and remember, “all that glitters will surely fade away”.
GEMINI (May 21- June 20)
Gemini you are entering a phase pregnant with possibilities and opportunities to realize your potential in life. Take a walk in your mind back to your childhood. Think about your first friendships, first kiss, first time you drove in a car by yourself. Allow your imagination to show you where you once discovered love and ruminate on how that experience affects you today. Now is your time to learn from some of the lessons of the past to trigger potential happiness in the future. Inhale lots of indica in the evening to release all your juicy juggernauts of revelation and listen to the Beatles for inspiration. “In My Life” will help lead you to the road of your childhood.
CANCER (June 21 – July 22)
Penny Arcade, a noted performance artist, playwright, and actress from New York has given us the below nugget. “I am the person I know best, inside out, the one who best understands my motivations, my struggles, my triumphs. Despite occasionally betraying my best interests to keep the peace, to achieve goals, or for the sake of beloved friendships, I astound myself by my appetite for life, my unwavering curiosity into the human condition, my distrust of the status quo, my poetic soul and abiding love of beauty, my strength of character in the face of unfairness, and my optimism despite defeats and loss.” Consume and ingest this wisdom from Penny and make it your own. Inhale some sativa hybrids this week and don’t forget you are the shit, seriously the real fucking deal cancer. Add some James Brown to your playlist for a theme song this week, “Funky Drummer” is a must if you don’t already have it. Remember what Jame’s used to say, “on the one”.
LEO (July 23- August 22)
Leo, this is your year. Not that every year isn’t your year, but this year, the next 12 months starting from now, will be epic for you. This is the beginning of your time to explore and mine for what will bring a lifetime of joy laced with emotional and spiritual success beyond your wildest imagination. Have you ever heard of the Witwatersrand? It’s a series of cliffs in South Africa that encompasses 217 square miles. From this area, which is a teeny tiny area compared to the rest of the planet, humans have taken 50 percent of all the gold ever mined. Crazy? Right? Use the Witwatersrand as a metaphor to inspire as you glide through this next step in your journey. Inhale heavy indicas in the morning and meditate on how you can tap into your spiritual and emotional gold mine. Add Cyndi Lauper to your playlist, “True Colors”, will catapult you towards your journey. Think about what you want from life and how you can tap into the resources within you.
VIRGO (August 23 – September 22)
Virgo your tribe tends to be pretty focused in general and your peeps gravitate to order and routine. This week, I want you to abandon those pestie tendencies and embrace an alternative way to thinking about life. Order and focus are not the only ways to live and grow. Mess your shit up a bit this week, do things you wouldn’t normally do, wear something you wouldn’t normally wear, try and see the beauty in disorder and chaos.Think of how the lotus flower brings beauty and peace from rancid, dirty water. Most of all this week, remember life isn’t good or bad, it just is. Focus on your breath and inhale much indica, heavy on the purps – 3 joints a day to break up the tape you play in your mind. Also, use Tina Turner and Phil Spector’s, “River Deep, Mountain High” as your mantra. Think about how Ms. Turner conquered and endured hell in her personal life and created some of the most impressionable and timeless music that will be absorbed by generations to come. I love this fucking song.
LIBRA (September 23 – October 22)
Seinfeld fan? Remember the Elaine Bizarro World episode where she meets three new guy friends that look exactly like Jerry, George, and Kramer but have complete and totally opposite personalities? Consume some heavy indica, relax into a new altered state and watch this classic gem. I want you to use this dated, but much loved episode as your template of what to do this week. Look for and then embrace your bizarro and think about how life could be if your bizarro world became your one and true world. Also, listen to the Kinks, “Lola”, and remember “Girls will be boys, and boys will be girls, It’s a mixed up, muddled up, shook up world, except for Lola. Lo lo lo lo Lola.”
SCORPIO (October 23- November 21)
Do you remember back in the day on the Wheel of Fortune when the winners had to use their “winnings” on “gifts” from a store provided and supplied by the network and their sponsors? These poor souls, who thought they just won big, got tagged with goods and services and then had to pay taxes on what they won. Many would walk away having to owe money rather have anything to deposit in a bank. Moral of the story is, this week don’t accept any gifts that you have to pay taxes on, emotionally and/or financially. And, listen to Pink Floyd’s, “Money”, don’t be a fool this week – you have been warned.
SAGITTARIUS (November 22 – December 21)
‘Fake it until you make it’ is not an adage lost on you. Meaning you totally get and understand what it means to fake it until you finally, fucking make it. This technique to get through life has been good to you. This week it is going to be really good to you and now is the time to stand on your pedestal and tell the world, “hey world, i made it and i no longer have to fake it”. I am a M-A-N or W-O-M-A-N and hear me roar. Keep it light and energetic with sativa hybrids all week and listen to Bo Diddley’s, “I’m a Man”. And for the women, it’s a little corny, but the message is there, Helen Reddy’s, “I am Woman”. Sing it loud, sing it proud ladies and gentlemen.
CAPRICORN (December 22 – January 19)
Times are tense right now. Harvey has just devastated Texas, N. Korea keeps letting go of ballistic missiles, Trump keeps beating his chest about building a wall around Mexico and the list could go on and on. The signs say now is not the time for you to engage with or enter into hostile waters, lands or people. Stay away from all those that what to confront or fight. Nothing will come from these encounters and can only harsh your mellow. Inhale and/or consume lots of indica, purps if you have them. Relax your body and mind and remember peace, love and happiness are your only ways to deal with whatever life throws at you this week. When consuming your indica listen to Edwin Starr’s, “War”. Really, what is it good for?
AQUARIUS (January 20 – February 18)
This week Aquarius, my ever so thoughtful and somewhat superstitious friend, don’t rely too heavily on any wishful thinking and/or superstitious signs. If you really want something or somebody this week the ways to get them will be by utilizing your ability to research and tap into your logic. Inhale sativa hybrids only this week as you may need a little motivator. Think Star Trek and Mr. Spock, listen to Johnny Cash and let the direct punch of his guitar and voice lead your way. “Get Rhythm.”
PISCES (February 19 – March 20)
Ok Pisces, you and your tribe are continuing to sail on a astrological kite flying high in the sky dancing and gliding like a big, beautiful purple pot leaf in the wind. Good times for you right now. So, that being said, now is the time for you to really show your loved one how much they excite your girl or boy parts to do sexual activities. Inhale some indica, eat an edible, relax, let go, and channel your inner Marvin Gaye to tap into the powers of your “Sexual Healing”. And remember to tell your loved one, “Baby, I’m hot just like an oven, I need some lovin’, And baby, I can’t hold it much longer, It’s getting stronger and stronger”. It will surely get you what you and your loved one need.
PUFF, PUFF, PASS and be kind.