Weekly Stoner Horoscope for August 7-13, 2017


Imagine not having anything to lose? What would you do first? Think long and hard about this question and really ruminate on the thoughts that bubble up. Yes, ruminate. For at least 5 minutes on what you would do if you had nothing to lose. Let all of your inhibitions go this week and embrace where your mind takes you. Smoke lots and lots of weed and listen to Motley Crue’s, Girls, Girls, Girls. Remove all misogynistic stereotypes and embrace the guitar riff.

TAURUS (April 20 – May 20)

Your creative powers are peaking and now is the time for you to unleash your inner wild child. Let it go. Just, throw all fucking caution to the wind and ride this wave like Jeff Spicoli in 1982. It’s going to be epic if you can channel that inner younger you. You remember the one that used to live for summertime and all the joy it can bring. Gotta give another shout out to 1982 and Joe Walsh’s, “WaffleStomp”.

GEMINI (May 21- June 20)

Slow and steady said the turtle to the rabbit and this is what I say to you this week. Stick to low doses of vape, sativa hybrids and keep it balanced – no sudden, herky jerky movements that may scare off any curious onlookers. Take a listen to Sam and Dave’s, “Hold on I’m Coming“.

CANCER (June 21 – July 22)

Cancer your strength and power for the next 11 months will propel you to reach heights you only dreamed of. Now is your time to do anything you want to do. So, please don’t squander this precious, coveted, temporary time in your life. Live, breathe and smoke at least 2 joints a day. Take a trip back into time and listen to Aldo Nova’s, “Fantasy“.

LEO (July 23- August 22)

Sometimes it takes more energy trying to conceal something than it does to reveal it. Now is your time to reveal and not conceal. Ask yourself what you might be trying to hide from those around you and from your biggest critic, yourself. Smoke three heavy indica joints a day and listen to some Bowie, “Changes“.

VIRGO (August 23 – September 22)

What do Beyonce, Michael Jackson, and Gene Simmons all have in common? Three famous virgos who have all made an indelible impression on the world through music. Now is the time for you to leave your indelible impression on the world and all the stars are aligned to help you to do it. Smoke 1 sativa joint in the morning and 1 indica joint at night. Open your mind to how your strengths can be utilized. Give a listen to Carly Simon’s, “You’re so Vain”, and think about whose voice is in the background. You could leave a similar stamp on your world if you want to.

LIBRA (September 23 – October 22)

Your life has been on an endless roundabout of work and responsibility for the last 11 months and now is the time to exit this chaotic circle of bullshit. Get off this crazy train and let your mind wander to places it hasn’t been before. It’s okay to let go and regroup and now is your time to do exactly that; let go, and regroup. Plus, vape heavy indicas this week and listen to Ozzy’s, “Crazy Train”.

SCORPIO (October 23- November 21)

S-C-O-R-P-I-O. I put this all in caps because I am calling out to you. I want you to hear me, feel me, know me, when I say this is your time to shout to the world about how fucking great you are. It’s not often we enter a phase where pumping your ego is encouraged, but here you are in a phase where it is your duty to scream about you and all the good things you do. Sativa, sativa, sativa to keep you light and lovely. Two songs come to mind for you this week: Kid Rock’s, “You Ain’t Never Met a Motherfucker Like Me”, and Kanye’s, “Can’t Tell Me Nothing”.

SAGITTARIUS (November 22 – December 21)

Hindsight is always 20/20. Meaning, it’s real fucking easy to look back on life and see what you should’ve of done. On the other hand, not so easy to see what you should do in the future. However, right now the planets are aligned for you to see clearly for months to come. You got a gift for 4-6 weeks, but you gotta open your mind and heart with some heavy indica in the early evening. Listen to Snoop’s collaboration with Dre and D’ Angelo, “Imagine”, it will do your soul good.

CAPRICORN (December 22 – January 19)

Love, love, love is all you need this week and probably for the rest of your life. Not the red, heart pumping emoji type of love, but the dark, dank, mysterious, cloudy and complicated love that permeates from the deep, secret parts of your soul. This kind of love will be an all empowering kinda of love if you are up for the challenge. Smoke at least (3) joints a day and keep it really cloudy. Let all that love seep through like a nice dab of concentrate peeking through a tasty, fragrant joint. Also, take a listen to Bryan Ferry’s, “Slave to Love”, but don’t be sad. Love will always conquer.

AQUARIUS (January 20 – February 18)

A moon eclipse is coming to your birthsign and some might say this is the luckiest time of your life. Or, some might say, this is the unluckiest time of your life and you probably shouldn’t tempt fate by walking out the door during this fucked up period. However, there is good news, it’s all up to you and how you deal with what is to come. The buddha says life is neither good or bad it just is. Ponder that for a tid bit while you vape some sativa hybrids throughout the day and week. And, listen to Creedence’s, “Bad Moon Rising’, for a little perspective.

PISCES (February 19 – March 20)

Please meditate on this thought: Summoning your peak effort in the little things will mobilize your peak effort for the Big Thing. I think pondering on this set of words you will bring interesting insights into what makes you happy. Paths will be revealed, lights will be shined and minds will be opened. Smoke lots of indica and keep it cloudy while listening to, Brother Iz’s, “Somewhere over the Rainbow”.

PUFF, PUFF, PASS and be kind.

One Response to “Weekly Stoner Horoscope for August 7-13, 2017”

  1. Jelly

    Looking forward to my week thanks to my Highorscope. I love this new feature. Keep it coming Stoner!

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