Stoners Don’t Like Cubes

Dude, c’mon, it’s nothing but obvious, stoners don’t like cubes. It really doesn’t matter what kind of cube we’re focusing on here, because all cubes, no matter their shape or size, just aren’t for stoners. Okay wait a second; we fucked that up. All cubes are the same shape. Cubes are the epitome of conformity. Fuck cubes, those rigid geometric motherfuckers.

That’s right, cube’s are from geometry. Geometry is math, man, and math ain’t got no place in the weed game. Oh wait. Well maybe when it comes to buying and selling weed with all the prices and the weights and the metric system and stuff. Ya know…most Americans wouldn’t even know what the fuck the metric system was if it weren’t for marijuana. Anyhow, cubes are square and squares don’t dig weed.

Take the Rubik’s Cube for instance. When you’re stoned, a Rubik’s Cube is about as fun Leukemia. Okay, well, that’s a bit harsh, but they’re fun for about 15 seconds and that 15 seconds usually takes place during a joint and a conversation over how cool it was to see that fuckin’ thing rocket by, bounce off the wall, hit the ground and explode into a beautiful mosaic all over the floor. Turning that cubic mess into art, like our friend Invader does with his RubikCubism…now that’s some cube shit a stoner can get behind, man.

Sure, the internet says the Rubiks Cube is like all-bad ass and popular and like the best –selling toy of all time and stuff. Don’t go around believing everything you red on web is true, but as of January 2009, like 350 million of those motherfucking Rubiks Cube things have been sold worldwide—not a single one to a STONER. Because stoners spend their money on cool shit like weed and practical shit like bongs and Slurpees and stuff.

Operating solely toward the fulfillment of a single purpose, assimilation, the leaders and supporters of the Tea Party movement in this country are to our universe what the Borg are to their universe, one of the greatest threats to society! And their chosen method of travel? A cute. These cybernetically enhanced humanoid drones of multiple species, organized as an interconnected collective, with all decisions being made by a hive mind…cruise around in…you guessed it; a soul-crushing cube! Figures, right?

Speaking soul-crushing cubes…take the modern workspace for instance. A typical workplace nowadays is just an adult-sized rat maze filled with cubes, go figure. Cubes, or Cubicle if you want to get all proper, are human cages. They’re the perfect setting for the rat-race. Where the FUCK is PETA when you need them? Like cages, cubes are confining, demeaning, and no place for mind-expanding drugs like marijuana. It’s no fair to lock a stoner up in a boxy-li’l cube and make him or her fill out TPS reports all day long. Listen, they make movies about freeing mammals being kept in captivity like whales or dolphins or whatever, right? Well, stoners are mammals too. Being stuck in cubes all day long, performing tricks for the marketing department is just plain dehumanizing, dude.

Remember that skater movie called Skate or Die, featuring a young Christian Slater as Brian Kelly, a 16-year-old skateboarder investigating the death of his adopted Vietnamese brother? Well, of course you don’t, because they fuckin’ renamed it to; Gleaming the Cube. Nobody wants to see a movie called Gleaming the Cube, man. Nobody even knows what the fuck “Gleaming the Cube” even means. Tony Hawk doesn’t even know what the fuck it means…and he appeared in the damn movie. Oh and nobody ever saw that movie because it totally SUCKED.

The Nissan Cube, Cube the game, Cube bikes, the movie Cube, Cube 2, The Mac Cube? Suck, suck suck, suck and suck. Need we go on…because all this cube talk is boring us and we need another bong hit?

7 Responses to “Stoners Don’t Like Cubes”

  1. Ændrew

    “Cube” and “HyperCube” weren’t so bad and are actually fairly worthwhile movies if you haven’t seen them. “Cube 3”, however…

  2. DexedrineRX

    There is no “Cube 3”. It is Cube Zero. And it was far better than Hypercube.

    But that’s not the point.

    Of course you goddamn stoners don’t like cubes, you just want to stare at your black light posters and complain about how, like, the man is totally keeping you down.
    Now move our of your parents basement.

    Now uppers, caffeine, nicotine, dexedrine; these will make you see the WORLD as cubes. Everything are parts that can be diveded, recombined, and reused to built bigger and better things.

    Legos! Sugar! Bricks! Shit, even my lighter is a cube!

    Now get a job, hippie.

  3. James

    Hey dexe, I myself have been a smoker for 6 years, I’m a chef for a good quality restaurant, have a beautiful girlfriend and work six days a week, around sixty hours. I did extremely well in school and even went to University for a few years to get a Computing degree.

    So, I think you need to get up off your high horse, and realise that the stereotype you just quoted is only in movies, and very rarely occurs in real life.

    Yours sincerely, James.

  4. check thisout

    these indigenous people i met are extremely advanced they are called the kogi. they call themselves the elder brother because they feel like the big bro to the rest of the world and they know they have been taking care of the world for the last thousands of years, until now when when younger brother is fucking up the world to much, either way about CUBES – they think our architecture is ridiculous, with all of the cubes and shit, one guy checked out a hospital and almost went nuts because of the cube space of everything, they think it’s from a restricted mind.

  5. NoypibudZ

    Our last day of work before they laid us off I smoked three bowls of OG Kush before heading to work. I was so high, sitting at my cubical I get the first call of that last day and it was a very irate customer.

    He started babbling and bitching that his computer doesn’t work. So like almost 15 minutes of him babbling I’m like..Your computer doesn’t work…Gee that’s too bad find some other tech that gives a fuck….*click!*

  6. mindstate1

    @ Noy… that was pretty bad ass!!!

  7. Pink


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