ARIES (March 21 – April 19)
Dr. Maya Angelou, fellow Aries, is without a doubt and unarguably was one of the most gifted literary giants to grace our universe. She published seven autobiographies, three books of essays, several books of poetry, and was credited with a list of plays, movies, and television shows spanning over 50 years. Not to mention, she received dozens of awards and more than 50 honorary degrees.[Kinda a big deal to say the least. Why do I bring up the extraordinary accomplishments of Dr. Angelou? Because I want you to see what a lifetime can do if lived right and I want you to embrace one of her many quotes, “I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.” Inhale some Forbidden Fruit and use the tasty bud to relax into your ever so productive, natural rhythm. Enjoy a little, Aretha and try to take cue from how she makes people feel.
TAURUS (April 20 – May 20)
You are the writer of your narrative, nobody else. Meaning, you are the only one who can imagine then pen the tone and attitude you choose in life. I encourage you to surround yourself with positive people and take cue from their glass ‘is half full’ mentality. Think all things pink and pretty, like Molly Ringwald and Andrew what’s his face, the guy who played, Blane in that eighties classic, ‘Pretty in Pink’. Don’t worry, if you are of the male persuasion and aren’t comfortable with thinking things pink and/or pretty. It doesn’t make you gay if you appreciate the color pink and it doesn’t make you gay if you have an affection for Molly Ringwald and John Hughes’ flicks. Just sit back and relax, inhale some Cookies and feel the color pink. It can be quite pleasant if you let it. Also, listen to Nik Kershaw and ‘Wouldn’t it Be Good’.
GEMINI (May 21- June 20)
What is your strategy when it comes to attracting a lover or your loved one? Do you adore your loved one with affection and present little gifts of admiration and appreciation? or do you create beautiful sceneries with flowers, wine, candlelight and seduce from the opposite end of the table? Whatever your technique I suggest you turn it up a notch. Time to add some creativity and innovation to your game. Try and integrate a little intelligence to help actually seduce and not just bed your lover. I think you will be pleasantly surprised. We all like to be courted and have special thought thrown our way. Focus on inhaling some Afghan Kush and listen to Joe Cocker while watching Kim Basinger. Look to Kim for inspiration….
CANCER (June 21 – July 22)
You are primed for brave commitments and epic adventures. The next 8 weeks are a perfect opportunity to inhale lots and lots of sour diesel to help put the pieces in place for your next monumental experience. I see huge amounts of clarity and consciousness coming your way. Like a tsunami of events and occurrences designed to help catapult you to your next karmic level. You know you are ready and remember to tell yourself you can do it, move forward and all will be more than you ever imagined or expected. Think Alice in Wonderland and listen to Jefferson Airplane for inspiration, ‘White Rabbit’.
LEO (July 23- August 22)
Now is the time Leo for you to embrace and clutch on to your eternal optimism in humankind. You know you look at the world with rose tinted glasses because you choose your glasses every morning. Being positive is part of your physical and astrological DNA. You can’t help it and I personally thank the universe for it. Please inhale some indica dominant strains and let your body go. Then think about what it is you want from this life. After severe deliberations I believe you will see a clear path to all glory and goodness in your future. I am hearing Macy Gray in my ear for your weekly musical motivation.
VIRGO (August 23 – September 22)
You probably don’t want to admit to knowing the Poison song, “Every Rose has it’s Thorn”, but I am pretty sure you are familiar with it. Take this Bret Michaels masterpiece and run with his wisdom. Know, ‘Every rose, really does have it’s thorn’, and the better equipped you are to handle the thorn the better. Meaning, wear gloves when you garden and use condoms when you have sex. Or be prepared to get poked and/or pregnant. The astronomical omens suggest inhaling lots and lots of OG Kush might prove to be beneficial when dealing with all things sharp. This may be tough, but I am asking you to do it anyways. Take a listen and watch Bret do what Bret does best….lament and rue the day a beautiful woman left his bed. Poor Brett.
LIBRA (September 23 – October 22)
Wow. I need to take a breath and a much needed doober break after reading your astrological omens. The planets suggest you are exuding sexual energy like Kathleen Turner in ‘Body Heat’. Albeit, her energy was somewhat contrived and created to kill her husband and steal his fortune. Nevertheless, she was hot and you are too. Expect those little fuck bumps in the back of your head after a night of solid love making. Inhale some sativa dominant hybrids, like Acapulco Gold and watch the king/prince of sex. Enrique Iglesias.
SCORPIO (October 23- November 21)
We all have the power to positively influence those around us, however, for the next couple of weeks you will be the president of positivity and you will have astrological angels in your back pocket for an extra boost. Remember your presence is the only tool needed to shift those around you. Think of yourself like a lighthouse and the world as a ship lost in the fog. You don’t have to do anything, but just be to do the job you are destined to do. Inhale some Blueberry Muffin if you can find it and listen to some Destiny’s Child, ‘Say My Name’, if you ain’t playing game.
SAGITTARIUS (November 22 – December 21)
Do you believe in shamrocks, rainbows and pots of gold? Your answer is kinda irrelevant because whether you believe or not the astrological omens remain the same. The universe is currently sending you blessings via little pots of astrological gold. But, they may be hidden in what appears to be a disastrous wave of darkness. Remember luck, or lack there of it, is only a figment of your imagination. Inhale some Grandaddy Purple and ruminate on this one thought: you are the shamrock like Paul was the Walrus.
CAPRICORN (December 22 – January 19)
The stock market took a dip on Friday and if you have cash to spend now would be a good time to invest. Do your research, listen to Jim Cramer and seriously give your intuition a voice and it will give you an opportunity to increase your financial wealth. Remember nobody but you will care more about your money and you are the best one to manage it. Own it, and don’t be afraid to take control. You can do it. Inhale some sativa hybrids this week and allow your creativity to lead the way. Also, let Janet give you a lesson in control. Totally missed her and her star studded nipple on Sunday. That dick in a box, Justin Timberbake did her wrong and will never be Stuff Stoners Like.
AQUARIUS (January 20 – February 18)
Do you feel stuck? Personally, financially, creatively? Looks like you might be in many different conundrums and can’t quite find your way clear of any of them. Think about what might be holding you back from achieving all that you want to accomplish in this life. Take an edible and a day to ruminate on what isn’t working in your life then take steps to remove it. Just let that which does not work float away like a child’s balloon in the wind. And use the Temptations as inspiration. ‘Papa was a Rolling Stone’.
PISCES (February 19 – March 20)
It’s a bit early for Spring cleaning according to the groundhog, but for you it’s the optimum time to do a deep cleanse, and I mean deep. Get rid of all things you have not worn or used in the last year. I have a feeling you will be surprised by how many unnecessary objects are in your house. Take this deep cleanse to your emotional house as well. Now is the time to banish all negative baggage and start anew. Inhale heavy indica strains and use Rose Royce and ‘Carwash’ to inspire.
PUFF, PUFF, PASS and be kind.