Weekly Stoner Horoscope for January 1-7, 2018


Aries, my beloved Ram, life is often tumultuous for you because people think you have it all figured out. Those who surround you don’t always realize you need help or a hug. And, we both know, from time to time you need an enormous squeeze from the ones you love. Not everybody understands you are filled with nervous energy and constantly worry about how you are going to make every little thing work in your life. Let 2018 be all about you sharing some of your fears and worries. Breakdown some of the barriers you have set in cold stone. Allow others around you to share in the cloud of responsibility and pressure that follows us all. Inhale some indica in the evening and free your mind and body to relax. All is good right now and 2018 will most definitely bring more of what you need to continue to be the badass that you are. Shine on my crazy diamond.

TAURUS (April 20 – May 20)

Somebody once told me, ‘You don’t get everything at once’, she was dying of cancer and had months to live. Her perspective is one I can’t totally understand, but the words will resonate within me forever. My nugget for you this week, and the rest of 2018, is don’t get tangled up inside trying to make your life perfect. Forget about trying to emulate anybody else. Trust me when I say nobody has a perfect life and nobody gets everything at once. The rosetta stone to living life happily is to see the beauty in everything and everyone. Sounds trite and simple, but it’s true. So, lively up my sexy beast and inhale some sativa hybrids in the first week of 2018. Let your creative nature bubble up and just be you boo. You are exactly where you are supposed to be. And guess what? It’s a ‘Beautiful Day’.

GEMINI (May 21- June 20)

The past has been an active player in your conscious and subconscious mind for quite some time. The astrological omens suggest the past will continue to discover ways into your nocturnal impressions and daily conversations until you face the message it is trying to send. Embrace this time and don’t fear the future. Sometimes anticipating the inevitable is more taxing than facing the issue at hand. Now would be an opportune time to inhale some heavy CBD strains before bedtime to enhance a relaxed state of mind. Listen to some Little Richard and think about how the past keeps on knockin’, but you won’t let it in.

CANCER (June 21 – July 22)

Do you remember the scene in Cameron Crowe’s flick, ‘Say Anything’, when Lloyd’s best friend Corey reads the love letter he wrote to Diane Court? Do you remember what she said after she read the letter? She said, she had never gotten a letter like this and dreamed of it someday. The final quote in the scene was, “Get ready for Greatness, Lloyd.” This is my message to you for 2018, “Get ready for Greatness”, because it is going to hit you like an industrious sized dab of GDP hitting your cannabinoid receptors. You are primed and poised for experiences and pleasures beyond belief. So, prepare for all good things to come by keeping a doober or two nearby for backup. And, listen to some Tupac, ‘All Eyez on Me’.

LEO (July 23- August 22)

I see lots, and lots of success with enormous dollops of fulfillment for you in 2018. The key to obtaining all this glory will be in how well prepared you are for the tasks at hand. And, there may be quite a few tasks at hand. Don’t worry, you have all the tools needed to get the job done. Just be cool, cool and insanely organized. Think like the Wolf in Tarantino’s ‘Pulp Fiction’. The Wolf had the amazing ability to dispose of dead bodies and leave absolutely no clues and/or evidence behind. Point being, you too have the power to clean up any unfortunate mishaps. Just like the Wolf after Vincent Vega accidentally shot off Marvin’s face. Inhale many indica doobers to keep your energies in check and use the below link to keep things funky.

VIRGO (August 23 – September 22)

Jim Lovell, world famous astronaut ,once said, “There are people who make things happen, there are people who watch things happen, and there are people who wonder what happened. To be successful, you need to be a person who makes things happen.” I want you to embody his words of wisdom for the coming months. You are a powerful force Virgo, focus, and the world could be yours for the taking. Stick with the sativas this week and listen to a little Bowie and ‘Major Tom’. I always think of Bowie when I think astronaut and all those things associated with space.

LIBRA (September 23 – October 22)

Libra, the great equalizer, you are in store for some shit to come. I don’t want to freak you out too much, but the first couple of months in 2018 might be full of conflict and confrontation. You might be in the middle of opposing forces and asked to choose sides. My advice to you during this time is to be Switzerland. Switzerland never chooses sides at time of conflict, and somehow remains everybody’s favorite destination for banking. Go figure. Just be Switzerland and all will be well. Think of yourself like the iceberg that broke off from the ice fjords on Greenland’s west coast traveling towards the Titantic. You could avoid the big collision if you remain in Switzerland. If this doesn’t make sense you need to smoke more indica dominant doobers, and listen to one of my favorite Swiss citizens, Tina Turner.

SCORPIO (October 23- November 21)

2017 was the year of the Rooster on the Chinese lunar calendar. I mention this because I see you and those in your tribe as chickens coming home to roost this year. Meaning, I see all things that happened in 2017 coming back to you in some shape or reinvented form this year. Kinda like a karmic boomerang or homecoming for chickens. Think of 2018 as an opportunity to rewind and be more kind. Inhale more doobers in 2018 and share the love with those around. Listen to Frank Stokes lay down ‘Chicken you can Roost Behind the Moon’ for some perspective.

SAGITTARIUS (November 22 – December 21)

Opportunities are like women… they come in all shapes and sizes and avoid you when you want them the most. Don’t fret and please don’t worry. You will be the victor in the end. And, you will gain critical information key to bridging that space between you and what you want. 2018 might start from a place you didn’t think you would be, but it will most definitely take you to where you want to go. Inhale many indica doobers and don’t lose faith. Use Mavis Staples as your guide.

CAPRICORN (December 22 – January 19)

Some knowledgeable and enlightened soul once said, “Fake it til’ you Make it”, and I want you to embrace these sage words from the past. Let 2018 be all about the year you create and bring forth the person you want to be. Don’t waste any time or energy on trying to find clues on what you should be, but let your soul wander and create the self you want to be. You be your own Svengali and spawn the creature of your dreams. Forget about everything you think you have learned about yourself and begin anew. Inhale lots of indica in the morning and then do a few yoga poses to get the flow going. Use Lenny Kravitz as inspiration. I always thought he was somebody who faked it til’ he made it.

AQUARIUS (January 20 – February 18)

2018 is all about you and your success. But, you need to do your part by not allowing your confident nature to override potential opportunities from those experts in your field. Meaning, if you think you could be somewhat immature, or not totally baked then allow yourself some more time in the oven to solidify your ingredients. If this doesn’t make sense to you then you definitely need to inhale weed right away and ruminate on how you could do more, be better, and truly enhance your expertise. Think Spinal Tap, take it to eleven and listen to Kid Rock’s, ‘You Never Met a Motherfucker Like Me’. Perfect example of somebody who might need a little more time in the oven to master his craft.

PISCES (February 19 – March 20)

2018 will be all about you establishing and defining your own path. I see you on a journey like little red riding hood, but you are not afraid of the woods or impending doom in grandma’s cabin. You are fearless, like a ninja warrior charging through combat with a samurai sword in hand and doober behind one ear. Indulge in anything indica and remember you are the only one who can navigate to your truth and unleash the freedom to just be you. Let Faith No More be your muse for the week. ‘Paths of Glory’.

PUFF, PUFF, PASS and be kind.
Horoscopes by: @StonedAndStuff

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