Weekly Stoner Horoscope for December 4-10, 2017


ARIES (March 21 – April 19)

Still feeling a little worked from Thanksgiving? The astrological omens suggest you may have experienced some tumultuous waves from familial sources. Now is the time to stop all the madness and inhale an indica heavy fat boy, try some GDP if you can find it. Sit in a quiet place for at least 20 minutes and think about all the love you received. Then think about all the love you delivered to your family and friends. Focus on your part in the equation and ask yourself if you are doing what you can to help the world be a better place. Because in the end it is all about the love you make and not the love you take. Which leads me to Abbey Road and your song for the week, ‘The End’.

TAURUS (April 20 – May 20)

‘Money, Money, Money’, by The O’ Jays—learn it, know it, live it. I usually leave the song dedication for the end of my weekly words of inspiration. But today, today we are starting with the song, because I want the music to ring through your ears from beginning to end. The planetary omens suggest now is the time for you to focus on your finances. Get your financial house in order, plant some serious seedlings in its garden and look for their blooms in 2019. All that you put forth now will most definitely pay off in the not so distant future. Think long term goals and don’t allow negative nay sayers deter you from success and wealth. You are your own best guide to what is right for you and yours. Inhale a heavy CBD strain and relax. Make sure to smile more than you frown and remember it’s all good Taurus.

GEMINI (May 21- June 20)

Gemini, the planets suggest you may be holding on to anger and resentment from the past. I see you with a death grip on the handlebars of life right now. You may be relentlessly riding, up and down previously traveled roads and pathways looking for answers with new direction. Perhaps your heart and soul are twisting in the wind searching for solace and peace? My advice? Stop, drop everything you are doing, and roll a joint laced with many, many calming cannabinoid crystals. Inhale, then meditate on this little nugget of wisdom. If you can learn to give up your attachments to the negative emotions triggered by previous responses to past frustrations and failures you will be able to focus clearly on the future. Let go of what’s been done and think about what you can do now. And, for a little pick me up, listen to Oasis’, “Don’t Look Back in Anger”.

CANCER (June 21 – July 22)

Our country was at one of the lowest and depressed times in history when FDR spoke the below words of wisdom at his first inaugural address in 1933. “So, first of all, let me assert my firm belief that the only thing we have to fear is…fear itself — nameless, unreasoning, unjustified terror which paralyzes needed efforts to convert retreat into advance.” Why the history lesson you may ask? Because fearing fear is what is holding you back right now. I want you to abandon and cut loose from the fear that binds you to your current situation. Think brave, fearless, lionhearted thoughts and remember your voice has an insurmountable fiery that can make the wrong right and the wicked wish they had never met you. Inhale some sativa hybrid strains like Sour Diesel or Trainwreck. And, for your daily dose of inspiration try some Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers, “I Won’t Back Down”.

LEO (July 23- August 22)

Success is a relative term most often associated with wealth and beauty. However, most of us normal “Joe’s and Jane’s” don’t often marry millionaire’s, professional athletes, or supermodels. Most of us marry and procreate with people of the same tribe and go on to have children that will also boomerang back to that tribe. It’s vital you take joy now in the fact you’re far more likely to cultivate synergistic and symbiotic relationships with people who enrich your soul and stimulate your imagination, but don’t necessarily pump up your ego. Instead of models and millionaires, you’re likely to connect with practical idealists, energetic creators, and emotionally intelligent people who’ve done work to transmute their own darkness. In short, inhale lots and lots of indica and don’t worry about not being a millionaire or not being married to a supermodel. Take solace in the fact you are in the perfect place to be a successful mensch and transform the world around you. Listen to a classic from the 80’s, when everything was about shopping at the mall and purchasing power. ABC’s, “How to be a Millionaire”.

VIRGO (August 23 – September 22)

There are just 21 days until Christmas and the year called 2017 is almost a memory. Now is the time for bold and bodacious action from you to you. I want you to give yourself the gift of love and appreciation by taking serious care of yourself. I know this sounds like something your mother might lament as you are walking out the door. But, you cannot disregard how important your physical well being is right now. The planets are aligned for you to take full advantage of doing what is good for you. Seriously, think about integrating healthy habits into your daily routine. Exercise in some shape or form. Get your blood pumping and your sweat dripping. Inhale some indica and go for a run or brisk walk. Or, better yet, go find a mountain trail and hike through some vegetation to reconnect with the happiness of being alive. Olivia Newton John’s, “Physical”, is your mantra this week.

LIBRA (September 23 – October 22)

You know what I adore about those born under the Libra sun sign? I adore and admire how your tribe takes joy from being cooperative, diplomatic, gracious, and fair-minded. Plus, people love you, want to hang with you and some may even want to have your baby. Libra’s are superb providers and caregivers. Do you know what drives me crazy about you and may be aggravating to others? Indecision. It can rule your world and drive those who love you to drink. Plus, sometimes when somebody has the audacity to cross you or somebody you love you will carry a grudge for the one that did you wrong until death knocks on your door. I kinda love this about you too, but I don’t want to encourage such negative behavior. Anger and grudges only really do damage to you and cause nothing but pain and suffering. My advice to you this holiday season is don’t let your not so attractive trait ruin your holidays. Give forgiveness and free passess to all assholes who have crossed your path and your weight will be lighter. Which leads me to your weekly prescribed pick me ups…The Beatles, “Carry that Weight”, and much, much indica anything. Maybe try some edibles, but remember it’s a little tricky timing a brownie. Be cautious and caring, my Libra lover.

SCORPIO (October 23- November 21)

The clouds are parting and I see only rainbows, unicorns, and sunshine for you and yours. Remember, life is nothing but simple mathematics, good times + bad times = death. We live, we love, and then we die. Life really isn’t that complicated, but sometimes we can all get lost in the munition of constant marketing by insidious corporations morning, noon, and night. You are impervious right now and have the protective powers to shield yourself. Kinda like wonder woman with her golden armor. Inhale some sativa hybrid strains and listen to some Bjork and the Sugarcubes.

SAGITTARIUS (November 22 – December 21)

Tina Turner once asked, “What does Love Got to do With it”? Truthfully, I hate this song, and Tina Turner hated it too. She didn’t want to record it, but was influenced by her then manager. The song ended up being the song of the year and catapulted Ms. Turner to the top of the charts. Point being, love had nothing to do with her success and love is not something that comes in a heart shaped box. Love is dirty, tumultuous and nothing but sheer terror is you do it right. It is your job for the next ten months to purge any aspects of this shrunken and shriveled kind of love that may still be lurking in your beautiful soul. You are primed to cultivate an unprecedented new embodiment of mature, robust love. A Tina Turner kinda of love if you know what I mean. Listen to some Tina Turner for inspiration. Not, “What’s Love Got to do with It”, but “Proud Mary”.

CAPRICORN (December 22 – January 19)

Failure is only a state of mind. Meaning, if you feel like you are in the toilet bowl of life, hanging on the rim, just one flush away from complete and total demise, it’s really only your attitude that keeps you in the shit, so to speak. So, stay positive and know even the toilet bowl is only temporary and this too will pass. We are all in the toilet this time of year and you are no exception. Put on a happy face and go with the flow. It’s the only way to get through the shit that will ultimately turn to something good. It’s just a matter of time. Which leads me to Styx and “Time on my Hands”. Inhale and consume all that you can this week. You are going to need it.

AQUARIUS (January 20 – February 18)

Work, work, work. Sometimes I think you don’t know anything else. I want you to take the rest of the year off from your internal machinations that keep you running at a hummingbird pace. You are not a hummingbird and you need to remember to pace yourself for supreme reward. Life is not all about crossing the finish line first. It is mostly about working for the reward and learning from the mistakes and failures on the way. Not sexy, but true. Inhale and ingest some heavy indica strains, GDP, or anything with the name kush in it. And, listen to some Right Said Fred, “I’m too Sexy”. Keep things in perspective and don’t take everything too seriously.

PISCES (February 19 – March 20)

Now is the time for you to embody your favorite superhero. Pick whichever one you identify with most and start to integrate little parts and pieces of your fav crusader into your life. Like Wonder Woman’s deflection bracelets or Superman’s lyotard. Be creative, but instill some superhero symbol in your life and use it for inspiration. You are a superhero and you are capable of more than you realize. Inhale some Blackberry Kush and get in touch with the greatness within. Listen to some REM and “Superman” for motivation.

PUFF, PUFF, PASS and be kind.
By StonedAndStuff

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