Weekly Stoner Horoscope for September 4-10, 2017


You might be experiencing what appears to be a crisis, a sincere nuclear meltdown of a crisis, but don’t worry too much or at all if you can help it. Opportunities always follow or come from disaster. So, be on the lookout and keep your mind open during this period of turmoil. The universe is not conspiring against you. Trust me when I say it only wants joy and happiness for you. Which leads me to my recommendations for you this week. Keep things cloudy and relaxed with indica in the morning and a little sativa throughout the day. Listen to some Al Green, “Love and Happiness”. It’s the Universe’s dedication to you.

TAURUS (April 20 – May 20)

I see you tearing down the roads of Pamplona this week. You and your loved one are running with joy and ecstasy, laughing hysterically as you dodge death and seek safety. What does this vision mean to you and your loved one? I am not totally sure to tell you the truth. But, I think it might mean you and your loved one like taking risks and taunting fate, but it’s okay because besides the bull it is just you two who are going to get hurt if the road turns and bad shit happens. So, enjoy this crazy, fantastic somewhat dangerous period and keep things energetic with sativa dominant hybrids. Listen to the Eagles, “Life in the Fast Lane”.

GEMINI (May 21- June 20)

Some say imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Meaning, stealing someone’s shit is an implicit way of paying them a compliment. You may feel like somebody stole your shit this week and you may be a little pissed off. If so, revert back to the top of your horoscope for this week and remember imitation is the strongest and most clear way somebody else can give you props, it’s a true gift. Try and take this gift and catapult yourself a little further in your profession. Taking a positive patty approach to the situation will garner rewards you didn’t think were possible. Try some edibles to keep things loose and light. Stay away from confrontation and emerge yourself in some Rick James, “Give it to me Baby”, And, then watch Chappelle’s tribute to the master.”

CANCER (June 21 – July 22)

Creativity and Innovation are your theme words this week. Now is your time to bring forth your inner Da Vinci and let him or her go. Do whatever you can to expand your consciousness and receive life from an alternative perspective. Think thoughts and ideas completely outside of your comfortable wheelhouse. Heavy on the indica for you this week to let go and allow your imagination to bubble and pop with spontaneous nuggets of wisdom. Take a listen to the Dandy Warhols for some inspiration. Get some of those cool red glasses if you can.

Deep Purple Kush StrainLEO (July 23- August 22)

Leo, my lovely and courageous lion, now is your time to grab whatever you want with all four of your hungry paws. Think starving kid in candy store, or the first time you went to a dispensary, and then barter, trade or steal to get what brings you a similar joy and happiness. Not often are the planets aligned for you to just take what you want, but this week they are and you should drive this astrological car like you stole it. Also, keep your thoughts and creative impulses pulsing with sativa in the morning and then use some heavy purps in the evening to relax the body. Add a little Sheryl Crow to your playlist and take inspiration from her tribute to one of the baddest motherfucker’s to ever grace the cinematic screen: Steve Motherfucing McQueen.

VIRGO (August 23 – September 22)

Some of you Virgo’s may be returning from Burning Man. And, if you are, you are probably caked with dust in places you didn’t think dust could go. If you weren’t one of the masses trying to get their creative cloud on this week, imagine tens of thousands of people in the desert, w/o running water and plumbing, and dirt, lots, and lots of dirt. My point is, right now you are caked in astrological dust and you need an emotional and physical wash. A deep cleansing is in order with eucalyptus and lavender and then burn some sage. Plus, lots, and lots of indica to slow down the constant churn in your mind right now. Try listening to this soundtrack from the meditation and relaxation music channel.

LIBRA (September 23 – October 22)

Looks like sadness has entered your world like the thick, sticky, skunky smoke that comes from hotboxing after many doobers. Just like the smoke from the doobers in your metaphorical car your sadness is temporary and most important of all a learning opportunity. From this sadness can come such things like enlightenment, self discovery, and even love if you so choose. Keep the indica flowing from your favorite device and listen to Otis Redding, “Tenderness”. And really think about it when Otis sangs, “You won’t regret it no, no, Young girls they don’t forget it, Love is their whole happiness, yeah, yeah, yeah.”

SCORPIO (October 23- November 21)

Ever hear of those annoying sayings people tell you when they can’t come up with anything creative to say? Like, “don’t burn the candle at both ends”, or “nothing good happens after midnight”? If somebody says either one of these parental relics of unsolicited nuggets of advice, Ignore them. Totally and utterly ignore anybody who tells you the above and do the complete opposite. Burn the candle at both ends and make sure to stay out past midnight doing whatever it is that you love to to do. You have my permission – planets are aligned for your maximum productivity, receptivity and enjoyment. Imbibe with your favorite strain in joint form and lace it with some concentrate. Also, please watch and listen to Willie’s, “Both Ends of the Candle”.

SAGITTARIUS (November 22 – December 21)

Sagittarius—leadership and you don’t always go hand in hand walking down the beach together. Now is the time for you to grab the hand of leadership and unleash what you and your loves ones have always known—that you are a fucking awesome leader and you do like to lead. But, keep in mind leadership is just not being popular in a crowd. Leadership is lifting a person’s vision to higher sights, raising a person’s performance to a higher standard, building a personality beyond its normal limitations. Leadership is being more than you can be…kinda like that army propaganda in the 80’s and 90’s. Well, not like that, but kinda like that. No mind, inhale lots of indica to relax your body and let your mind do what it needs to do. Meditate on your power this week and let Survivor’s “Eye of the Tiger” give you some background theme music.

CAPRICORN (December 22 – January 19)

Oscar Wilde has written some of my favorite words of all time, “We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.”, “Life is much too important a thing ever to talk seriously about it.”, “Man is least himself when he talks in his own person. Give him a mask, and he will tell you the truth.” Wilde was truly prophetic and I want you to use him as your own personal fairy godmother of poetic playwriting inspiration. Ruminate on the above after many hits of an indica dominant joint. In addition, ponder on the words of another great man, Bob Dylan, and listen to, “The Times They are a Changin”.

AQUARIUS (January 20 – February 18)

Karma, do you know the technical definition? Just in case it slipped your head, take a look at the below for a refresher.

The spiritual principle of cause and effect where intent and actions of an individual (cause) influence the future of that individual (effect). Good intent and good deed contribute to good karma and future happiness, while bad intent and bad deed contribute to bad karma and future suffering.Karma is closely associated with the idea of rebirth in many schools of Asian religions.

In these schools, karma in the present affects one’s future in the current life, as well as the nature and quality of future lives – one’s saṃsāra.

Inhale lots and lots of indica, Grandaddy Purple, if you have access and think about the karma you are creating for yourself and then think about what you could do to better improve upon your next life. And, use Lennon’s, “Instant Karma”, as a reminder of what not to do.

PISCES (February 19 – March 20)

Want to live life to it’s fullest and experience everything under the planet we know as the sun? Start by removing the bug that crawled up your ass this week and inhale some sativa hybrids to get your mind and spirit to mobilize for some fun. Some serious fun, the kinda fun you had as a kid before social protocol and norms lured you to the dark side of responsibility and accountability. It’s ok to break from these two deadbeat albatrosses around your neck and fly like an eagle high on mushrooms soaring through the big blue Montana sky. And, of course, listen to Steve Miller Band’s, “Fly like an Eagle”.

PUFF, PUFF, PASS and be kind.

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