Weekly Stoner Horoscope for May 27 – June 3, 2020

ARIES (March 21 – April 19)
Communication, communication, communication. I could end your weekly words of wisdom here, but let me expand a little further if the first three entries didn’t get through. It is vital for you to communicate all that you are feeling and thinking to those in your inner circle. Keep nothing inside. It’s your time to purge, release and be free of all thoughts, bad and good. As the Dali Lama says, life is neither bad or good, it just is. Use this little nugget from the Dali and inhale three bongs hit a day to manage this week of opportunity. If you need further inspiration watch ‘American Beauty’. 

TAURUS (April 20 – May 20)

Malcolm X, fellow Bull, once said, “There is no better than adversity. Every defeat, every heartbreak, every loss, contains its own seed, its own lesson on how to improve your performance the next time.” I am not saying you suffered a defeat lately, but the above quote could be helpful to propel you forward this week. Inhale a doober a day this week and move forward somehow, someway. Think ‘Gaga: Five foot Two’.

GEMINI (May 21- June 20)

Venus is currently in retrograde which signals you might be ready for a new look. Not just a trim to an old hairstyle new look, you need a drastic, visible and forever memorable new look. Think about the many transformations Madonna has made over the decades and take inspiration from her ability to morph into an alternate version of herself . Think about the girl in ‘Lucky Star’ and then the woman in ‘Express Yourself’. I am not saying you have to go platinum, but make a significant change. The new energy shift could be a game changer for you this month. or this video

CANCER (June 21 – July 22)

Cancer my trusted friend, your strength and wisdom are about ready to catapult you to another level of confidence that will ultimately shift your life in an unprecedented manner. Imagine yourself as the gorilla in the 80’s arcade game, Donkey Kong. Picture yourself smashing and crashing your way to the top of the board unobstructed. You are totally free to jump forward, one level after the next, annihilating the competition. Just remember when you win the big prize choose your friends wisely and don’t share your world with those who are undeserving. Inhale 4 bong hits throughout the days of the week for clarity and serenity.

LEO (July 23- August 22)

We have all experienced unprecedented stress the last 12 weeks, you my dear friend, have been through a tsunami of turmoil and emotional disruption. Take a deep breath and focus on the good that is poised to dump all over you. But, be careful and wary of any new relationships. Now is not the time to establish serious connections. Now is the time to focus on you and what brings you joy. Think Zoe Kravitz in ‘High Fidelity’ and embody your best James Dean. Include, at least 5 bong hits a day to clear the cobwebs.

VIRGO (August 23 – September 22)

It’s your time to shine!!! The spotlight is going to follow you around this week whether you like it or not, so you mine as well let go and embrace the attention. Don’t be afraid of all eyes being on you, it’s a great opportunity to influence and educate the masses. Just remember to do good and avoid being influenced by those disingenuous souls trying to take away your mojo. Inhale some dank indica with hints of purple and think about the late and beyond great Little Richard. He never allowed a spotlight to pass him by and somehow always brought the focus back to how great he was.

LIBRA (September 23 – October 22)

You gotta find something that inspires you to live this week. Find and focus on one thing that brings you joy and leaves you awestruck when you do it, see it, hear it, or feel it. I can’t tell you what that one thing is, but for me it’s watching the ocean for you it might be experiencing a sunset or sunrise. Inhale some indica heavy Purple Urkle to help let your mind go and watch City Slickers for inspiration on that ‘one thing’.

SCORPIO (October 23- November 21)

The next couple of weeks could be a bit tumultuous for you and you might turn to destructive coping mechanisms to get through the madness. In one word, DON’T. Now is not the time to use force in any way shape or form and now is the time to focus on coping with positivity and compassion. Remember, you can do this and if you allow yourself to deter from past patterns you could permanently shift your energy towards a new way of interacting with the world. Inhale two doobers today and two doobers tomorrow and then maybe two doobers a day until the anger goes away. Also, watch some Kobra Kai and think about what happens when Johnny and Daniel react in anger.

SAGITTARIUS (November 22 – December 21)

It’s been a tough couple of weeks for you. Lots of ups and downs, twists and turns going on in your world of volatility right now. Sorta, like the stock market for the last couple of months. Lots and lots of volatility. Don’t worry and most importantly don’t stress. Both worry and stress will never bring you joy and happiness and they are both deadly when consumed heavily. And, remember your life may appear to be volatile, but just like the stock market, the ups and downs are an allusion and if you diversify your emotions like your assets all will be well. Eat some heavy CBD edibles this week and relax your mind. Also, smoke a hog leg doober and watch some ‘Up in Smoke’ for a nice reality check.

CAPRICORN (December 22 – January 19)

Have you ever seen Jane Goodall’s footage of male chimpanzees announcing their presence with authority running through the jungle? Often the male chimpanzee will start waving his arms, making noise with anything in his path to frighten and intimidate other males. The chimp could be 2 feet tall, but he appears to be 4 feet tall when he exercises his innate instinct. I encourage you to embody the animalistic qualities of the chimpanzee and let your community know you are a force to be reckoned with. Let the world know your voice is one that will be heard and amplified with fierce conviction and attitude. Keep things groovy with some Grandaddy Kush and don’t be afraid to do what you need to do.

AQUARIUS (January 20 – February 18)

John Donne, poet from the 17th century, said “No man is an island, entire of itself; every man is a piece of the continent.” I want you to put laser focus and meditate on his observation on humanity. You will gain great rewards and wisdom if you reach out to those around you and abandon any solo, I am my own island kind of thinking. Inhale lots of smoke and watch Castaway. Poor Wilson.

PISCES (February 19 – March 20)

Your birthday has come and gone, and now is the time to reflect on all your accomplishments and successes. Write or type them down and then post them on the wall for the next couple of weeks. I want you to remember all the work and energy you have invested in projects of the past. This is the time to pat yourself on the back and give some praise to you. Inhale some Afghan Kush, kick your feet up, and watch Gene Simmons pontificate on how great he is….solid inspiration. PUFF, PUFF, PASS and be kind.

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