Much like any other outing stoners might experience while stoned, grocery shopping is an adventure. Remember that scene in The Wizard of Oz where everything is all black and white and shit and then all of a sudden everything turns to color right as Dorothy flings open the door to Oz and Pink Floyd’s “Money“ starts playing? Well, uh…the Pink Floyd soundtrack is optional but, that scene plays out each and every time a stoner walks in to the produce section at Safeway.
To a stoner, the produce department is a feast for the eyes. It’s filled with wild shapes and crazy textures and bright jewels of every color…like that fucking obnoxious Amazing Technicolor Dream Coat that Jesus dude wore in that pansy play.
Anyhow, the funny thing about stoners shopping for food is that they have an amazing knack for finding food that contains no food. Want some proof? Okay, see the dude in the sunglasses and the hoodie loitering in the cereal isle? He’s not smiling at all the low prices…he’s stoned, man. Now, go look in his shopping cart. It’s filled with things like Cap’n Chrunchula, Cheesey Poofs, FunOnions and Chocotacos and shit…all of which contain absolutely no food. See what I mean?
Very quickly grocery shopping morphs into a munchy run with a shopping cart and endless possibilities. Everything suddenly looks delicious…especially things within close proximity. Within no time at all after promenading up and down a few isles, stoners find their cart completely filled with a bunch of awkward ingredients that a chef at a bad Chinese restaurant couldn’t even combine into a stir fry.
Sure it was all fun and games at the store with all the flashing lights and colorful displays and the ice cream isle and stuff, but then they get home…start to unpack the groceries and unlike a memorable adventure they have virtually no memory of the event…let alone remember why they thought picking up a few bags of Skittles, Beer Nuts, Joe Perry’s Hot Sauce (Aerosmith sucks) Rock Your World Boneyard Brew, and a lighter shaped like a gorilla with flashing red eyes was a good idea?
Leave a Reply