Weekly Stoner Horoscope for December 11-17, 2017

FB STONER HOROSCOPE templateARIES (March 21 – April 19)

The planets are positioning and aligning for your maximum money making potential. Sounds exciting huh? It gets better, the planets are also aligned for you to experience the best sex of your entire life in 2018. Now, I have your attention. The next 12 months could be epic beyond compare. However, it’s important to think about the kind of person you want to be after you make a fortune and bang all those you desire. The potential is there for you to bounce onto bigger and what most would think are better things. But, I want you to be somewhat cautious and most of all don’t forget to be humble. The universe has a way of checking braggadocious spirits and it isn’t always a pretty outcome. In short, don’t be an asshole. Ruminate on trying to include everybody into your world instead of excluding those that don’t think like you. Inhale anything with cookies in it and use Shade Sheist and Timbaland’s, ‘Money Owners’, as your mantra this week.

TAURUS (April 20 – May 20)

Taurus, you are a bull headed spirit with superhero personality traits and qualities. There is truly nothing you cannot do once you direct your horns downward, focusing on your fated target. However, right now I fear you are headed for cataclysmic disaster if you don’t soon learn how to disengage from that which does not bring you joy. Are you feeling me on this? My Humboldt Seed Company, Blueberry Muffin filled joint, tells me you need to inhale some of the same. If you were not lucky enough to attend the Emerald Cup over the weekend and have limited resources inhale anything with the word blue in it. And, take a moment and reminisce with Snoop and Pharrell, ‘Drop It Like It’s Hot.’ Take cue from the masters and drop anything in your life that does not take you one step closer to your ultimate happiness.

GEMINI (May 21- June 20)

As I embibe on my second doober of the day and meditate on your weekly inspirations I see you baking in the kitchen, and then ferociously consuming all the fruits of your labor. Have the munchies ruled your world lately? Is your appetite beyond insatiable? Don’t worry, it’s only temporary and now is the time to enjoy eating, chewing, and filling your hungry insides. But, you also might want to inhale or eat a heavy indica strain, like my fave Select/GDP or Sunset Sherbert. After a few inhalations ruminate on how your appetite may be a substitute for something else missing in your life right now. Is there something else popping up in your dreams or surfacing through your subconscious? Food for thought. More food for thought is embedded below.

CANCER (June 21 – July 22)

Do you know how the porcupine procreates? I didn’t, so I looked it up and according to touted, porcupine expert, Uldis Roze, the female porcupine cannot be raped and is always in control. Interesting language for the porcupine world, don’t you think? To quote Mr. Roze, “The female will make it known if she’s not receptive to the male’s come-ons by screaming at him, shaking the urine off and running away. She may also be hostile and try to bite or tail-swipe him if he doesn’t get the hint. “The male has to respect [her decision] — the female cannot be raped,”

Roze goes on to say, “When the female is ready to mate, she’ll present her hindquarters and curve her tail over her back so that her quills don’t impale the male. She’ll also lay the rest of her quills flat against her body, allowing the male to mount her briefly with little danger.”

Why the lesson in porcupine mating habits? Because, you and all those in your tribe embody the energies of a female porcupine this week. Nobody is going to mess with your shit and if anybody does try to take advantage of you the end result will feel like a male porcupine being impaled by a quill during sex. Ouch. Inhale much indica this week and keep your powers in check. Remember, with great power comes great responsibility. Let Andre 3000 keep your moral compass in line with the universe. ‘Vibrate’.

LEO (July 23- August 22)

It’s not easy being the king of the jungle. You want to protect and keep your pride safe, fortified and healthy. I want you to acknowledge and accept those who love you understand your plight and choose to be with you despite your somewhat egotistic ways. Keep this in mind if your personal relationship starts to experience some volatility this week. We all love you and want to be with you, but you gotta give people their space and oxygen to develop their own voice and presence. If none of this makes sense, inhale some sour diesel and watch the below clip for perspective and inspiration. Sufjan Stevens, ‘Year of the Tiger’. Afterall, the tiger is the true “king of the jungle” and you don’t have to worry about saving the world by yourself.

VIRGO (August 23 – September 22)

The holidays can be such a drag sometimes and not like a drag of your favorite strain, more like a drag from a dirty, dusty bong hidden in the closet. But, not for you, the next couple of weeks will be the optimum time and opportunity to absorb and enjoy as much family and friends as you can possibly handle. The moment is ripe to seriously touch and love those that are dear to you. All that you give will most certainly be returned in a manner you could not imagine. Inhale some of Select’s, Maui Wowie, and keep things lively…this sativa hybrid will not do you any wrong. And, take a look at Tupac and his shout out to his mama.

LIBRA (September 23 – October 22)

Now is the time for a self reckoning of epic proportion. I want you to completely look to yourself for full accountability of where you are at this moment in time. Nobody but you is responsible for how you live your life and you need to look no further, but the man in the mirror for the answers you seek. So, if you get the urge to blame or project your frustrations with life onto those around you, don’t. This is your time to blaze or vape something indica heavy to help trigger you back to looking at yourself and your part in the whole. Let Ziggy and his brother Daniel help you find the way with ‘Changes’.

SCORPIO (October 23- November 21)

Sometimes in life it’s much easier to just do the task or the solve the problem that is facing you than to discuss and analyze it. This is not a new strategy or life coping skill for you. I know you feel me on this, so what I am about to say might sound alien to you. Instead of taking action and just doing what needs to be done, maybe take a breath and think about what is troubling you this week. Don’t act or react for a week to whatever is causing you angst right now. Just think about what is going on and let the water simmer for awhile. Once in awhile all you need to do is breathe and be. Eat some heavy sativa hybrid edibles and don’t do anything in haste. Sit and relax to Mos Def and ‘Quiet Dog’,

SAGITTARIUS (November 22 – December 21)

Sagittarius, it’s your birthday and the time is ripe for you to celebrate and commemorate. Are you familiar with the Australian term walkabout? Wikipedia tells me the word, “Walkabout historically refers to a rite of passage during which Indigenous male Australians would undergo a journey during adolescence, typically ages 10 to 16, and live in the wilderness for a period as long as six months to make the spiritual and traditional transition into manhood.”

Wikipedia also says, “Walkabout has come to be referred to as “temporary mobility” because its original name has been used as a derogatory term in Australian culture, demeaning its spiritual significance.” You are primed for your own kind of walkabout and I want you to be on the lookout for impostors and frauds trying to take away from your authenticity. Let your intuition guide your way and inhale Blueberry Muffin like it was oxygen to Usain Bolt. The strain not only smells and tastes like a blueberry from heaven it also embodies the essence of a muffin. Not even exaggerating. Listen to Fats Domino talk about his thrill he found on blueberry hill. He may have been the original source of this highly coveted strain. Thank you Fats Domino and Humboldt Seed Company.

CAPRICORN (December 22 – January 19)

You are kinda of a big deal this month and the next. Astrologically speaking you are bubbling over with spiritual awareness of universal proportion. The planets are all aligned for your growth and understanding. Soon you will see, with great clarity, all the complexities and simplicities of what is going on around you. In short, your life is good right now, real good and if your heart is pure the universe will acknowledge your gifts. Enjoy and embrace, but remain balanced with lots of indica dominant flowers. Marvin Gaye and ‘What’s Going On’ is blaring in my head right now.

AQUARIUS (January 20 – February 18)

You never know who will be your boss and where your next opportunity will present itself. Life can take some pretty sharp twists and right when you think you know what you are doing something happens to alter your perception forever. Classic tale and it happens all the time. Think Martha Stewart and getting caught insider trading, going to jail, coming out of jail to do a variety show with Snoop Dogg. Or, think Matt Lauer, Harvey Weinstein, Russell Simmons, one day ruler’s of the world and the next day they can’t find jobs or their wives. Point being, you just don’t know how things will go down. But, if you behave like you would as if the world is viewing your every action you will be A okay. Inhale a sativa dominant joint in the morning and remember to do good. Matisyahu and ‘One Day’ will help pave the way.

PISCES (February 19 – March 20)

Remember in Peter Pan when Tinkerbell sprinkles her fabulous fairy dust on Wendy and all the boys? Remember how they started fluttering then flying around the bedroom for the first time? Can you imagine the exhilaration of a child flying like a bird in the wind with the ability to go and see whatever their heart desires? If not, inhale some sativa dominant vape, like Trainwreck or Sour Diesel, and get in touch with your inner Pan. Metaphorically speaking, now is your time to fly like an eagle in the sky and all the world is below your span and influence. Embrace this moment and time as it is all temporary and worry is only a waste of energy. Live, laugh, love and listen to Kate Bush for some ethereal Peter Pan inspiration.

PUFF, PUFF, PASS and be kind.

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