Weekly Stoner Horoscope for September 11-17, 2017

NEW--STONER HOROSCOPE templateARIES (March 21 – April 19)

Are you feeling like hurricane Harvey just ricocheted from one end of your house to the other leaving nothing but destruction and chaos in its path? If so, you are right on track for another storm like Irma to hit you in the face. Don’t worry, the planets are aligned for you to reap great rewards from the destruction and chaos. Prime yourself to look for that silver lining somewhere through the bullshit. It’s there, you just need to look for it with the right glasses. I am recommending indica/purple glasses for you this week. After you put your glasses on make sure to plug into Stevie Ray Vaughn’s, “Flooding Down in Texas”, .

TAURUS (April 20 – May 20)

Ever listen to George Clinton’s, “Free your mind and your ass will follow,”? If not, google it right now and listen to it. It is your mantra this week. Listen to the lyrics, pull from George’s words of wisdom and make them your own. Clinton advises you to “Be careful of the thought-seeds you plant in the garden of your mind.” That’s because the ideas you obsess on will eventually grow into the experiences you attract into your life. “Good thoughts bring forth good fruit,” he croons, while “Bullshit thoughts rot your meat.” Any questions, Taurus? According to my astrological analysis, this is the best possible counsel for you to receive right now. Plus, inhale three sativa hybrid joints a day to pry open the garden of your mind. And, of course, listen to Clinton’s masterpiece.

GEMINI (May 21- June 20)

The planets tell me the coming weeks will be an excellent time to uncover hidden, incomplete and distorted versions of your histor and correct them. Often life continues to present the same set of circumstances to set up the spiritual tutorial your life needs. Now is one of those times for you my complicated—and I mean this in the most beautiful way—wisted twin. Embrace this time and do your best to learn from what is presented to you this week. Keep your mind open with some heavy indica’s in the afternoon with a little sativa in the morning. Keep Prince on in the background all week and make sure to play “Sign of the Times”.

CANCER (June 21 – July 22)

Your tribe has been working really hard for the last couple of weeks and you deserve a much needed break. I am begging you to take it. You and everybody else around you needs this to be your number one priority this week. I want you to let your mind and soul wander through the next seven days. Inhale lots of indica to keep your mind open and ready for some surprising beacons of faith to help lead your way. Plug into some Pink Floyd for your tone and attitude this week.

LEO (July 23- August 22)

Leo, my tenacious lion, always striving and reaching to be better, how I admire you and your ways. Imagine your ultimate situation—your best life ever. Put all your hopes and wishes into one jar and look at them. After studying all things that will bring you joy and happiness don’t do anything that doesn’t bring you one step closer to the contents of your jar. It’s all about you and your jar of joy. Disregard all other bullshit and only put energy towards your jar. Inhale, three indica dominant hybrid joints a day and don’t lose focus on your jar. Try listening to, “Good Times”, a classic from Chic to get your mojo going.

VIRGO (August 23 – September 22)

It’s your birthday month Virgo, thus your time to celebrate you. Remember and don’t ever let yourself forget what a badass you are. Really, you are the motherfucking shit right now and your stuff does stink. It stinks like some potent purple punches from my favorite Granddaddy strain. So, please inhale lots of Granddaddy this week if you are lucky enough to access. And then listen to some Kanye, “Can’t Tell me Nothing”.

LIBRA (September 23 – October 22)

Libra you are venturing into some very unique and unusual astrological waters right now. Picture yourself on an imaginary, astrological Pirates of Caribbean ride at Disneyland. You are slowly traveling on your own personal boat through the midnight darkness. The air is heavy and moist and instead of pirates you see your life playing out from beginning to end. Think about all the love you have created and all the love you want to create and then put a plan into motion like that imaginary drifting boat in Disneyland. Inhale lots of indica to keep your mind open and receptive. Listen to the Beatles, “Love is all your Need.” It’s true, love really is all you need. Corny, and somewhat saccharin, but true.

SCORPIO (October 23- November 21)

Now is NOT the time to make any financial investments without doing your research or putting a contract to any friendly contributions. Watch Jim Cramer’s Mad Money for an entire week before putting any financial plans in place. Whatever you do, don’t follow your intuition and put your money near friends and family. Keep it light and energetic with sativa hybrids all week and listen to Pink Floyd’s, “Money.” It’s a gas.

SAGITTARIUS (November 22 – December 21)

Sagittarius, as you may recall, we discussed you taking the lead last week. This week is your time to expand on your newly formed leadership skills. Remember you can make dramatic strides toward being the boss of yourself and your destiny without forming your own nation. Meaning, you have the tools at your reach to do the job necessary and you don’t need a team of compadres to complete your mission. Stay strong and remember you could be the king or queen of your world. Keep it cloudy with at least 2 sativa dominant joints a day. One in the morning, one in the evening and maybe just add a third during lunch to keep things lively. Try a little Twisted Sister “Leader of the Pack” for inspiration.

CAPRICORN (December 22 – January 19)

The planets are showing me now is the time for you to put on a backpack, fill it with water, some granola bars, a healthy supply of some skunky indica to help on your journey, and don’t forget your number one tool—comfortable hiking boots. You will need them to endure the rocks and heavy terrain in your future. Don’t fret, you know how goats can climb and stick themselves to any ascent up any mountain? Again, don’t fret or stress this is not a journey that will exhaust or deplete. Energy and insight are your guides this week and you will glide up your spiritual mountain like the climber in that Price is Right game. Keep your head cloudy with heavy indica in the morning and some light sativa hybrid throughout the day. Also, add Marvin Gaye & Tammi Terrell’s, “Ain’t No Mountain High Enough”, to your playlist.

AQUARIUS (January 20 – February 18)

Sometimes it is more than difficult to see past our own world and see somebody else’s existence. Life is not easy for anybody and nobody gets through it alive—plain and simple. And not one of us truly knows the answers to life. My point is this week think about others in a way you haven’t before. Think about how humanity couldn’t move forward without one another and then inhale 3 indica dominant joints a day. Ruminate on others after you imbibe and listen to Bill Wither’s, “Lean on Mean”, for some cataclysmic inspiration.

PISCES (February 19 – March 20)

Ok my fishy, water based, friend, you are about ready to embark on an adventure like no other. The next 11 months will be a harvesting ground for you to grow and define yourself on several different levels. For example, now is a great time to think about starting to grow your own weed if you don’t already. Your thumb is green and ripe with potential for some bountiful buds. Also, think about your primal longings with as much precision as you can, so that you will never pursue passing fancies that bear just a superficial resemblance to the real things. Only think and do things that will bring you closer to those primal longings hidden deep inside. Try some edibles this week if you know how to time them properly and let your mind go. Listen to some Van Morrison, “Moondance”, for your mantra this week.

PUFF, PUFF, PASS and be kind—by @stonedandstuff

Leave a Reply