Weekly Stoner Horoscope for March 12-March 18, 2018

HIGH HOROSCOPEARIES (March 21 – April 19)

ARIES! Listen up, I need your full attention. Please, be more compassionate the next couple of weeks. The time is perfect for you to stockpile positivity like it was corn from the fields of Iowa. Think of an imaginary grain hopper, stories high, empty with space ready for you to fill up with compassion for your fellow man and woman. It will serve you well in the near future. Think all things positive and take the glass is half full approach to life. Also, inhale some sativa hybrids for an energetic, creative boost. Ruminate on ways to be more vulnerable and open. Listen to Bjork and The Sugarcubes.

TAURUS (April 20 – May 20)

You are entering into a new phase full of opportunity and personal advancement. Why? Because you are done with the bullshit life has been serving you and you are refusing to take another bite at the dinner table. Now is your time to grab the bull by the horns and determine your own course and direction. According to the planets the path you take will be jeweled with success and happiness. If you let it. Inhale some Sour Diesel and let go of any anxiety that is accumulating. Listen to Bradley and Sublime for some inspiration.

GEMINI (May 21- June 20)

In the movie City Slickers, Jack Palance’s character, Curly, told Billy Crystal in a poignant moment in the movie, “the secret to life is 1 thing”….and of course Billy Crystal’s character begs the question what is the “one thing”? And Curly’s answer is simple, it’s up to you to determine the one thing. We usually know what it is, but we get distracted by what others think our one thing is. Inhale some high CBD strains this week and think about what is your ‘one thing’ that is more important than life itself? Once you have your epiphany make sure to focus on your one true thing and let it do it’s magic. Listen and watch a classic from the 80’s, Ms. Neneh Cherry and ‘Buffalo Stance’.

CANCER (June 21 – July 22)

Now is the opportune time to acknowledge any fault or negative aspect of your character and personality. Why? Because once you acknowledge your flaw the power it once had will dissipate into thin air like smoke on the water. This is your time to reconcile that which has historically brought you down. Think Rocky and Mr. T when Rocky comes back from Mr. T beating his ass and tells him, ‘you ain’t so bad’. Stick with the indicas this week, stuff with Kush and Grape in the name. Also, watch James in his Rocky moment.

LEO (July 23- August 22)

When I meditated on your horoscope this week Van Morrison’s, ‘Into the Mystic’, started blaring in my head.

When that fog horn blows

You know I will be coming home

And when that fog horn whistle blows

I gotta hear it

I don’t have to fear it

As, you may know, this song is about a sailor at sea thinking about returning to his lover, who is back on land. Normally a foghorn signals danger, but in this case it means he is close to home and his love. I think you could have a similar situation and/or scenario in the next couple of weeks. Inhale two purple doobers a day and remember you do not have to fear it you only gotta hear it.

VIRGO (August 23 – September 22)

The next six weeks are prime time for you actualize your loftiest dreams and desires. The universe is positioning itself so you can optimize your powers of persuasion, opening doors of opportunity with ease and grace. Good things are coming your way Virgo. Inhale indica hybrids this week and watch Prince in ‘Diamonds and Pearls’ for the tone of your week.

LIBRA (September 23 – October 22)

Thomas Edison, inventor of the light bulb and many, many other things, once said, “Non-violence leads to the highest ethics, which is the goal of all evolution. Until we stop harming all other living beings, we are still savages.” Know it, learn it, live it. The next couple of weeks will be an excellent time for you to absorb and channel this knowledge. Inhale, some sativa hybrids this week, Sour Diesel is always a good go to. For a little perspective on ethics and history listen and watch a classic from the 80’s, ‘Cult of Personality’, by Living Colour.

SCORPIO (October 23- November 21)

Fibonacci was a mathematician way, way back in the day and he is known for the Fibonacci numbers. Go figure. Fibonacci numbers are numbers characterized by the fact that every number after the first two is the sum of the two preceding ones:

1,\;1,\;2,\;3,\;5,\;8,\;13,\;21,\;34,\;55,\;89,\;144….Fibonacci numbers can be found all through mathematics, but they can also been seen in the physical world. They appear in biological settings,[10] such as branching in trees, phyllotaxis (the arrangement of leaves on a stem), the fruit sprouts of a pineapple,[11] the flowering of an artichoke, an uncurling fern and the arrangement of a pine cone’s bracts.[12]

Why the math lesson in Fibonacci numbers? Because according to the astrological omens you may be in a phase where hidden order and patterns in your life will become obvious and tangible. Just like the pattern of a pine cone’s bracts. Stick with the indicas this week and relax your body, Bubblegum Kush comes to the forefront of my mind when meditating on your needs. Also, your theme song for the week, ‘Funky Drummer’, and James Brown. Ain’t nobody more versed in the power of the number one than James Brown.

SAGITTARIUS (November 22 – December 21)

Sag now is the time for you to buckle down the hatches and weather a storm of work that is facing you. Think of yourself as Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz when she is running from the tornado, only you make it to the storm door and are able to secure yourself underground while the tornado rages over. And, during this time underground you have the ability to accomplish shit loads of duties. Then, picture yourself opening the storm doors and seeing blue skies adorned with rainbows. The only problem is the blue skies and rainbows will come in July and August, and, of course you will be in the metaphorical cellar of work until the end of summer. Don’t worry, you can do it and you have the herb to help you through it. Keep things even steven with 3 doobers a day. One in the morning, one around 4:20, and then one in the evening. Use a little Stevie Ray Vaughn to help inspire you.

CAPRICORN (December 22 – January 19)

Have you ever seen Jane Goodall’s footage of male chimpanzees announcing their presence with authority running through the jungle? Often the male chimpanzee will start waving his arms, making noise with anything in his path to frighten and intimidate other males. The chimp could be 2 feet tall, but he appears to be 4 feet tall when he exercises his innate instinct. I encourage you to embody the animalistic qualities of the chimpanzee and let your community know you are a force to be reckoned with. Let the world know your voice is one that will be heard and amplified with fierce conviction and attitude. Keep things groovy with some Grandaddy Kush and don’t be afraid to do what you need to do. Listen to Stevie Nicks and her tribute to Jane Goodall, ‘Jane’s Song’.

AQUARIUS (January 20 – February 18)

The next 3 weeks are all about you finessing and revamping your craft. Sometimes one must repeat and redo until the final product can no longer be altered for the better. For example, if you grow pot you know it is process that requires lots and lots of effort and there is always more you can do or maybe there is less you can do, but there is always something you can tinker with and learn from your grow. Same thing goes for everything else in your life. And, for the next three weeks you will benefit greatly if you apply the same technique used in my grow room example to other facets of your life. Also, smoke two joints before you smoke two joints and think about the above. Use, Bruno Mars and Cardi B and their remix of ‘Finesse’ for inspiration.

PISCES (February 19 – March 20)

Hey Pisces, I don’t often do this, but your horoscope from last week needs repeating. I am not sure you got it the first time and it is still true this week. So, it deserves another shout out.

Have you ever heard the quote from George Santayana? “Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it.”? That’s you for the next 3-4 weeks. Inhale some Grandaddy Purple and ruminate on this quote. Remember, if you keep forgetting or burying the past you will most certainly run into it like a hooker and chlamydia. So, don’t get metaphorical chlamydia and quit repeating past mistakes. The next 4-6 weeks will give you opportune time to benefit from this priceless lesson. Also, use a little Tina Turner as inspiration to motivate you to remember the past. Ms. Turner never forgot her past and most certainly never repeated it. Remember, she wrote Nutbush City as tribute to the town from which she came.

PUFF, PUFF, PASS and be kind.

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