Weekly Stoner Horoscope for September 18-24, 2017

NEW--STONER HOROSCOPE templateARIES (March 21 – April 19)

Did you know the kangaroo and emu don’t move backwards? Can you imagine a life that only moves forward without ever looking back? Well, if you can’t, inhale lots of indica and ruminate on how you can move your shit forward for the next couple of weeks. Think like a kangaroo or emu if you prefer. And, focus only on going“forward”. If you look back this week you might turn into a pillar of salt like Lot’s wife. You remember that story from the bible? She looks back on Sodom and Gomorrah as it goes up in flames from God’s fury and then turns into salt. Well, maybe not like that, but you get the jist. I am hearing Charlie Daniel’s Band for your mantra this week. “Devil Went down to Georgia,” not often you hear a fiddle solo like this.

TAURUS (April 20 – May 20)

Taurus, my very brave, ballistic, bull, you are in store for some epic, unprecedented experiences that will rock your ever so chaotic patterns of the past. I want you to open your mind and remain in the moment every moment this week. Don’t think about what happened yesterday, don’t think about what you have to do tomorrow, only focus on breathing and being in the now. Experience your day from beginning to end as if it was your job to focus on being in the moment. Inhale a couple of indica joints a day to keep yourself balanced and even. Plug into Van Halen’s, “Right Now”, for a little inspiring boost. I prefer “Poundcake” off this album, but it wasn’t quite appropriate.

GEMINI (May 21- June 20)

Love, lots of love is in the air for you this week. All kinds of love, it should be dripping everywhere you go and you should enjoy every second of it. Touch it, smell it, taste it, inhale it. And, don’t fret if you are not mated. The love that is coming to you this week will find you, but it may not come in the way of a romance. Remember it comes in all shapes and sizes and may hit you in the face when you least expect it. Love is a powerful action and can literally change the world when utilized. Keep things lively with some sativa hybrids and listen to the master of all love, Bob, “One Love”.

CANCER (June 21 – July 22)

Are you familiar with the Clash’s song, “Should I stay Or should I go”? This is where you are this week. The lyrics will give you an idea of the juxtaposition that faces you for the next 5-7 days. I am not necessarily talking about your intimate relationship, but just your life in general. “Indecision is buggin you”….so inhale some indica and embrace this indecisive phase. It is only temporary and might bring you some enlightened wisdom by the end of the week. Keep it cloudy and of course listen to the Clash’s classic. Make sure to turn it up when the guitar solo comes on – Joe Strummer was genius.

LEO (July 23- August 22)

Necessity is the mother of invention. Say this proverb to yourself ten times and let it sink into your subconscious mind. Let these words float to the innermost part of your brain and then release the floodgates to your imagination. The next couple of weeks are a very creative and innovative time for you. Think about all the materials you have at hand and then think about what you really need from this life. Inhale sativa in the morning to get your juices flowing then let your body go with some indica in the evening. Also, listen to the “Bare Necessities.”

VIRGO (August 23 – September 22)

Stay away from any sort of gambling this week. Now is not the time for any bets with money or without. The planets are encouraging you to focus on family and all things close to home. Do not tempt fate with overwhelming amounts of risky behavior. Keep it cool and calm with indicas and listen to some Jack Johnson’s, “Home”, for your mantra. Sit back and imagine the waves if they aren’t in your view. Maybe drink a margarita or two.

LIBRA (September 23 – October 22)

Have you ever thought about the origins of pain and confusion? Both are mothered by the dying of old ways and can be used to your advantage if you so choose. Focus on what life will be like once the old ways die. Think about making room for new and different energies and experiences. Sort of like a snake ditching its old, tired, weathered skin for freshly nourished layers of new protection. Your pain and confusion are temporary and will make way for joy and clarity. Keep it cloudy with heavy purps/indica and listen to Love and Rockets, “Ball of Confusion”. Or check out the OG version by the Temptations. The lyrics were written in 1971, but the words are timeless.

Ball Of Confusion that’s what the world is today
The sale of pills is at an all time high
young folks walkin’ ’round with their heads in the sky
Cities aflame in the summer time, and oh the beat goes on

SCORPIO (October 23- November 21)

Did you ever see Aladdin? It was the Disney flick with Robin Williams as the voice of the Genie. Imagine Robin Williams as Aladdin coming to your home and giving you three wishes. What would your wishes be? Think about your answers for a bit and don’t make any hasty choices. Write down your wishes on a piece of paper and then put the paper in your underwear drawer. Every time you get a new pair of underwear think about your wishes and how you can take one step closer to any one of them. Inhale 3 hybrid sativa joints a day and think about making this life the greatest life ever. Also, put your ears to this classic as it is my wish for you. Sam Cooke’s, “I Wish you Love”.

SAGITTARIUS (November 22 – December 21)

The next couple of weeks might feel like you are walking through Tim Burton’s version of Alice in Wonderland. Think Johnny Depp as the Mad Hatter and yourself as Alice, of course. Consume Alice’s thirst and hunger for life and inhabit her childlike curiosity. Walk through the upcoming adventures with confidence knowing you are where you are supposed to be for what is about to come. Try some edibles to relax and keep all negativity at bay and inhale some indica dabs for a heightened high. Play Tom Petty and the Heartbreaker’s, “Don’t Come around Here no More.” I love this video. Love it. I want to enter it and smoke a doober with Tom every time I watch it.

CAPRICORN (December 22 – January 19)

Think of this week as an opportunity to fill futuristic karma buckets with nothing but selfless acts of kindness. This is the astrological equivalent to tripling traveling bonus points on your credit card. It’s your time to maximize future selfish benefits by being nothing but thoughtful and considerate of those closest to you. Not about you this week. Keep things light and energetic with some hybrid sativas and use Reef’s, “Consideration”, as a theme song this week.

AQUARIUS (January 20 – February 18)

What is your life’s motto? Can you sum it up in a few words? Do you live by, “Live life to the fullest”, or “rest and rust”, or maybe you live by, “life is far too important to be taken seriously”? Define yourself this week with a motto and envision this motto tattooed on your forehead for all to see. Pick a lane Aquarius and then don’t venture too far from it . And, most of all don’t be embarrassed by what you believe. This is your life and you can do with it what you want. Inhale whatever you want this week and make sure to be clear about who you are. Listen to Mick when he says, “Get off my Cloud.

PISCES (February 19 – March 20)

Look around your house, find the one thing that is really bugging you. It might be your broken toilet, laundry on the couch, dirty bongs or dab rigs in need of cleaning, or maybe spider mites or mold in your garden. Whatever, that one thing might be right now, identify it and focus all efforts towards resolving the issue. Now is the time for you to clean up whatever that is causing you the most frustration. Inhale lots of sativa to keep things energetic and lively. And, turn up a classic from one of the greatest hairbands ever, Autograph, “Turn up the Radio”. Turn it to eleven if you know how.

PUFF, PUFF, PASS and be kind.

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